the Singer

Started a new book: The Singer Trilogy by Calvin Miller. Enjoy, for my next month of posts will probably revolve around this. :)

"He met a woman in the street. She leaned against an open door and sang through her half-parted lips a song He could barely hear. He knew her friendship was for hire. She was without a doubt a study in desire. Her hair fell free around her shoulders. And intrigue played upon her lips.

'Are you betrothed?' She asked.

'No, only loved,' He answered.

'And do you pay for love?'

'No, but I owe it everything.'

'You are alone. Could I sell you an hour of friendship?'

Deaf to her surface proposition, He said,

'Tell me of the song you were singing as I came upon you. Where did you learn it?'

His question troubled her. At length she said,

'The first night that I ever sold myself, I learned it from a tall impressive man.'

'And did he play a silver pipe?' the Singer asked.

She seemed surprised. 'Do you know the man who bought me first?'

'Yes. Not long ago, in fact, he did his best to teach that song to me.'

'I cannot understand. I sell friendship and you, your melody. Why would he teach us both the self-same song?'

The Singer pitied her. He knew the World Hater had a way of making every victim feel as though he were the only person who could sing his song.

'He only has one song; he therefore teaches it to everyone. It is a song of hate.'

'No, it is a love song. The first night he held me close, he sang it tenderly and so in every way he owned me while he sang to me of love.'

'And have you seen him since?'

'No, not him, but a never ending queue of men with his desires.'

'So it was no song of love. Tell me, did he also say that some day in the merchandising of your soul, you would find someone who would not simply leave his fee upon the stand but rather take you home to care for you and cherish you?'

Again she seemed surprised.

'Those were indeed his very words-- how can you know them?'

'And have you found the one that he has promised?'

'Not yet.'

'And how long have you peddled friendship?'

'Some twenty years have gone since first I learned the song that you inquired about.'

The Singer felt a burst of pity.

'We sometimes give ourselves to hate in masquerade and only think it love. And all our lives we sing the song that we thought was right. The Canyon of the Damned is filled with singers who thought they knew a love song...

Listen while I sing for you a song of love.'

He began the melody so vital to the dying men around Him.

'In the beginning was the song of love...'

She listened and knew for the first time that she was hearing all of Love there was. Her eyes swam when He was finished. She sobbed and sobbed in shame.

'Forgive me, Father-Spirit, for I am sinful and undone...

for singing weary years of all the wrong words...'

The Singer touched her shoulder and told her of the joy that lay ahead if she could learn the music He had sung. He left her in the street and walked away, and as He left He heard her singing His new song. And when He turned to wave the final time He saw her shaking her head to a friendship buyer. She would not take his money.

And from His little distance, the Singer heard her use His very words.

'Are you betrothed?' the buyer asked her.

'No, only loved," she answered.

'And do you pay for love?'

'No, but I owe it everything.'

praise is befitting

You are good. You are holy. You are worthy.

Praise is befitting.

I'm having a precious moment of listening to Will Reagan and remembering how awesome He has been, realizing how awesome He is, believing in how awesome He will forever be.

Life sucks. Each day is another opportunity for my joy to be squelched, my mind to be wearied, my body to be beaten down. Each day brings me another day closer to death. Each day heightens my awareness of the darkness in the world, in my neighbor, and in myself.

This day specifically brings me a grief that grips my heart and forms a constant knot in my throat. Lives that were taken too soon. A rampage of violence with no explanation.

I lean not on my own understanding.

I give it all to You, God

trusting that You'll make something beautiful.

The reassuring news is that grief is good. It's one of the things that, in my opinion, makes us incredibly human. My Jesus was a man of many sorrows, I am told. And that gives me hope. He felt. He cried. He grieved.

And I believe that He is here with us in the tragic and in the unexpected. He is here in the memories and in the daily experience. He is here. How that changes everything.

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.

I will heal you."

2 Kings 20:5

Be not // Yet be

Malleable:

capable of being extended or shaped by hammering or by pressure; adaptable; able to be pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking; easily influenced

I think most of us would agree that there are two opposing sides of morality in this world. A lot of things float around in the middle, where we aren't certain if they can be labeled as right or wrong, but I believe most of us know the lines. We not only know them; we often jump up and over and in between them.

It's the purposeful tension of life: who do you want to be? and do you know what it will take to get there?

There's a flip side that we cannot forget about. Our guidelines do not end at "be not conformed." They then pick up at "yet be renewed."

It would almost be easier to try not to conform to anything (though I think that's impossible considering our world and our nature as people) rather than finish the sentence and move towards life change. Towards purpose.

I don't like to use the word "required" but I think it is legit here. It is required of us to intentionally turn from one behavior to another, from one attitude to another, from one belief to another, if we have a higher vision or goal. Even in practical ways. If I want to save money I must choose not to spend it. If I want a cuter butt, I have to start taking the stairs. If I want to be Jesus to people, I must deny myself, spend my time, let Him fill my heart, focus my thoughts... in other not-so-happy words, I need to understand that it's not about me.

I want to be malleable in this sense. To be shaped from one person into another. To not crack under this transformative pressure. To keep up the pace even when I've messed up.

Our message on Sunday night was about our gifts and how in using our gifts, the transformation process is brought full circle. There are personal ways we can better ourselves, or however you want to say it. But truly, in giving yourself for others, you gain so much more.

You provide the fire & I'll provide the sacrifice.

You provide the Spirit & I will open up inside.

Fill me up, God.

map out your future, but do it in pencil

"Who knows where this path will take us, but let's go forth... because it may lead us somewhere vast and amazing."

{FreyaArt}

I was reflecting this morning as I drove down Minnesota streets in 22 degrees.

I am here. Who would've thought.

This place is already so familiar to me. It's been five, almost six, months. Yet it feels like a lifetime. Maybe that's a loving hint that I'm exactly where I need to be.

Sometimes it suddenly occurs to me how strange it is that I am where I am, wherever that may be. I've tried to envision this time in my life for years now... never would have pictured it this way. But that's how it has been for a while now: so many wonderful surprises.

I don't want to cease going. I want to keep pushing myself into change. Into the perilous and chancy things.

I hope He keeps me there.

Some have encouraged me that I've gone too much & too far to ever do differently. But I think we all can easily fall prey to whatever numbs and immobilizes us. We get stuck, and we choose to settle into the mire.

Let me remind you [and me] :

"Be alert, be present.

I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out!

Don't you see it?"

Is.43:16

catching up

This past week was insane in the membrane. I had so much fun! And subsequently am still semi-exhausted from all of the events. Our Tuesday night "Yay Kip quit his job and got a new one right after!" party was a hit and lasted well into the weeknight. Loved it. And Wednesday brought us The Civil Wars and this spectacular group called Milo Greene. I was enthralled, mesmerized, totally smitten with that night of music [ & sitting next to this really cute boy].

Working til Friday afternoon and then rushing over to a candlelight yoga class [which benefited IJM] was also great and left me a bit sore. The weekend was recovery time.

I did something on Saturday that made me even more thrilled about going home for the holidays:

after demolishing a grapefruit, I cut it up, threw in some cinnamon sticks with a pot of water and indulged in the wonderful smells of my mom's Fall concoction. I will be smelling that in my sweet little southern home soon. Happy heart.

It's the little things.

Just wasting time... ?

Exciting weekend, we had. Geocaching, leather jackets, burger drive-ins, wooded adventures, and Parenthood marathons. We also watched the movie In Time [yes, mainly because JT is the lead actor] and it spurred a good convo.

The plot of the movie in and of itself is interesting-- it's like a Robin Hood meets weird, futuristic society. Time is the currency of the world, and people are separated into time zones, either limiting the time they are given or allowing for excess. Basically, it's a mirror of the injustice of our reality: the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. The larger theme was immortality-- that men crave it but none of us were meant to live forever. I recommend you watch it! There was, of course, unnecessary violence because JT needed to be really hardcore, but I could handle it so I'm sure you can, too.

It got me thinking...

why do we as humans feel like we waste time? Or that there is some ultimate goal we must fight to achieve? This is a constant battle of my mindset: that every moment is significant, no matter what. I try so hard but have yet to truly believe that. I understand that there are things I can do to better myself, the people around me, my world, and I want to be responsible with what I've been given: energy, resources, mercy. Time. I, however, just as much need to be content and enjoy my life as it is.

So how do we balance this? Life is short; we are but a breath. How do we resolve to make a difference and simultaneously rest in mundane significance?

One of the many questions.

For my sermon sharing Monday:

Greg Boyd finished his series on Hearing God's Voice. He recapped the last 3 weeks and mainly enforced the fact that if we are too involved in our own schedules, agendas, etc., then we won't have the ears to hear His quiet, still voice or feel His soft nudges on our hearts. And that if we are constantly over-thinking those times we think He might be communicating with us (whether it's really our voices or His) then we'll miss the moment. All we should ask is if what we feel we should do will help someone else, and then just do it. The worst thing that could happen is you do something nice for someone else. :)

Refreshing.

Small group time was spent discussing our unique gifts/ passions/ strengths and formulating ideas on how to implement those more in our daily lives. I really enjoyed reflecting on the past seasons of my life-- each of my strengths has been highlighted and used in different ways, totally not purposeful on my part (since I didn't really know what my strengths were!) Cool thing. Gives me renewed peace that He is weaving my life into something beautiful, especially when I'm completely unaware.

So we were challenged to make space for specific uses of our gifts, and to keep each other encouraged and accountable to what we want to do. They are all such wonderful women. I am in awe of the greatness in our community. I do love friends, don't you?!

shake it out

Another favorite song.

Shake it out, shake it out

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

so shake him off.

I'm done with my graceless heart.

Shake it out, shake it out.

begin again

I need to restart.

& most gratefully, I will accept His new mercies for me today.

I am realizing a lack of creativity in my life. Lack of motivation. Lack of being true to myself and who I am called to be. Lack of love for others, and love for myself.

I have a passion for learning and exploration, of giving of myself and serving more than receiving.

These things haven't been happening much.

Change needs to occur. Ideas need to be formulated. Vision sparked and goals determined.

I've lately been more tense and controlling than I prefer. Kip's area of employment has not allowed for much planning, and often postponed plans that were made, which if you know anything about me, is the exact opposite of my personality. I get pleasure and purpose from making a plan and sticking to it. It's been a tough couple of months... resulting in frustration with situations that are completely out of my control, and depression because the one I want to spend time with the most is mostly not here.

I have to constantly adjust my attitude about life and ask, "are you really willing to grow, no matter what the cost or how uncomfortable it makes you?"

Fortunately the growing processes of life will never cease, if I remain open to them. It's just always harder than I imagined! [or prepared for]

But there is good news: his last day is THIS WEEK. Along with cold weather will also come freer schedules and more time together. mmmmmmm.

So, here in my thinking space, I'm going to imagine what can make our relationship lighter, fuller, more "us."

I am somewhat [haha] of a realist which seems to keep me grounded in a good way. Relationships are hard, no matter what kind they are or who they are shared with. Communication is key-- more than I wish it was. And physical separation is difficult-- whether it's being too close or being too far.

I'd like to hope that imagination and creativity, paired with more understanding/adjusting of how we desire to share/receive love, and a little [or huge] side of fruit [self-control fruit, that is] will keep us centered and well-balanced and much, much happier people.

Here are some extra thoughts on how we could begin again:

• taking turns to plan dates-- learning and keeping in mind what the other enjoys most
• cheerfully allowing for bro time and babe time with others
• intentionally pursuing time with couples who are inspirational and wise [and fun!]
• firmly and respectfully maintaining healthy boundaries
• creating together. [Stumbleupon has some great art ideas!]
• engaging in meaningful & deep conversations often, as well as taking time to talk about silly things. Maybe even using weird accents.
• grace, grace, grace.
• Patience, patience, patience.
• asking the hard questions and being willing to give honest answers
• praying for & encouraging each other
• practicing selflessness
• trying new things
• pursuing ways to be involved in this place at this time

Any advice from you out there would be appreciated as well. :)

May our gracious God continually teach us how to live by His will,

to live in love.

And to fervently pursue His heart

for He is relentlessly pursuing ours.

crags & clay

"for beauty is simply reality, seen with eyes of love."

My folksy music taste has me currently appreciating the band called Gungor.

Their song, Crags and Clay, has recently been played repetitively.

Have a listen & a read:

Crags & Clay

Standing up from crags and clay, the peaks of Earth in full display.

They break the lines that break the sky, that's full of life.

The chaos of creation's dance: a tapestry, a symphony

Of life himself. Of love herself.

It's written in our very skin.

All praises to the one who made it all

All praises to the one who made it all and finds it beautiful.

Soil is spilling life to life; stars are born to fill the night.

The ocean's score, the majesty, of sculpted shore. Mystery.

All praises to the one who made it all and finds it beautiful.

Fearfully and

wonderfully and

beautifully made.

"They stepped into the Garden again. The Maker looked earnestly at the clay creation. A monsoon of love swelled up within Him.

He had died for the creation before He had made him.

God’s form bent over the sculptured face and breathed. Dust stirred on the lips of the new one. The chest rose, cracking the red mud. The cheeks freshened. A finger moved. An eye opened.

But more incredible than the moving of the flesh was the stirring of the spirit. Those who could see the unseen gasped!

Perhaps it was the wind who said it first. Perhaps what the star saw at that moment is what has made it blink ever since. Maybe it was left to an angel to whisper:

“It looks like… it appears so much like… it is Him!”

The angel wasn’t speaking of the face, the features, or the body. He was looking inside, at the soul.

“It’s eternal!” gasped another.

Within the man, God had planted a divine seed. A seed of His self. The God of might had created earth’s mightiest. The Creator had created, not a creature, but another creator. And the One who had chosen to love had created the one who could love in return."

-Max Lucado-

you are worth exploring

I think Mondays will officially be my "sermon sharing" day. It's just so good, I have to tell!

I will preface this entry like so: I felt like I was in a YWAM class last night. My heart was so heavy, tears brimming, truth blaring, soul searching.... Greg will be speaking on Hearing God's Voice for the next several weeks, and last night he totally went there. There being the place that most of us don't like going, and if I could be judgmental just for a sec, most people didn't go there last night. I'm sorry, but 5 mins is NOT long enough to let Him walk you through your **** and the depths of your hurt from this life. Freedom is ours to have, yet so many either believe it's not attainable, or they don't have time to sit long and let Him work. Tragic.

Greg went so very deep in sharing about his own pain, his own story. He also brought some interesting thoughts to a few verses, one being Proverbs 20:27,

the spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord

searching all the inner depths of his heart.

Greg's take on this was that our spirits, in being united with God's spirit, is the light that searches through our deepest, darkest places. In a way, our own spirit evangelizes to us. There are parts of our being that have yet to be reached with freedom, with the gospel, so healing and restoration is an ongoing process in our life. It's a lot to explain, and I won't go super deep into it, because you can listen to his message { here }.

I just thought it was so intriguing, and there was a lot going on inside of me as he was speaking. I love when people talk about how to use our imaginations to connect with God. It makes total sense! If God is Someone that we can't quite wrap our heads around, and if He's Someone we can't see with our physical sight, where else could we get to know Him best except in our imaginations? That seems childish. And I think that's the point. This faith thing is simple, really. We are the ones who make it too complicated.

So after that beautiful, hopeful message at church, I read this today: Don's blog.

It goes along pretty perfectly with my mental processing. I like his words...

"We do know a lot about space, and we are learning more about the oceans, but I don't think either of these territories are the least explored. I still think the least explored territory is humanity, both collective and individual. It's not physical territory, I know, but where is there more fearful darkness or illuminating beauty than in the depths of the person sitting next to you on a bus?

Where is there more evil and more beauty than in the unexplored cosmos of a human being?"

Tough question: do you know that you are worth exploring?

We have so much more to us than we could ever know. We are complex, God is complex, but the interaction between the two doesn't have to be. This is relational. We can know Him, and as we get to know Him, let us open ourselves wide to His love and healing. He is gentle. He will make you new.

O Light that follows all my ways

I yield my flickering torch to Thee

My heart restores it's borrowed ray

that in Thy sunshine's blaze

it's day may brighter, fairer be.

So light a fire in my heart & I'll burn for You.

O Joy that seeks me through the pain

I cannot close my heart to Thee.

I trace the rainbow through the rain

and feel the promise is not in vain

that morn shall tearless be.

So anoint me with joy & joyful I will be.

In the life of a nanny:

I set my alarm to wake up 10 mins before I actually need to get up, just to get the process going. I push myself out of bed (and into my slipper boots) with just enough time to shower (only if I didn't do it the night before), create a 5 minute hair-do, and slip on my yoga pants/ t-shirt/ sweater, because thankfully my job does not require me to look my best. Make-up usually doesn't even make it onto my face until around 10 0r 11 am.

If I'm feeling inspired, or extremely tired, I will brew a small cup of coffee for the road. This doesn't normally happen, because thankfully I will have plenty of time to make a pot at work. I will also have time to eat breakfast when I get there, maybe check my facebook, write a blog, read a book, call a friend...

I know you must be thinking I've got it made. And let's face it, I pretty much do! There is no running around involved, unless I want to go somewhere. No practices or homework or messy play times. Just lots of bottles and a few much needed naps; keeping up with the pacifiers and making sure the house is tidy.

Ok, sometimes there is screaming, puking, diaper rashes, explosive poo, teething pains, drool, more screaming, odd smells, leaky diapers, the occasional short nap, and even more screaming.

But everything considered, I have a dream job. I so enjoy coming into a home and a family, keeping a car seat base in my backseat, and experiencing the pure joy of when Lucy smiles and laughs and loves life.

I am blessed.

Because of my belief, I sometimes struggle with ease and peace in my life. I live with the constant conviction and heaviness that most other places in my world are not peaceful; people are hurting, help is needed, hope is scarce, desperation is real.

I am a doer. It's hard for me to just be, to trust that prayer in and of itself is a powerful tool. I long to be there, physically present in their pain, and use my hands to help them heal. Use my faith to give them strength.

But I am here. And there is purpose.

"the poor you may have in your own family; find them. love them."

"love begins at home..."

"be faithful in the small things, because it is in them that your strength lies."

Thank you, dear Mother Teresa. Love is always brought to a closer and greater reality in her words. All that I do, if done in love, is kingdom work.

"May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and in others.

May you use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself, just the way you are,

Let this knowledge settle into your bones

& allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.

It is there for each and every one of us."

nEw

all that I can do

is give it back to You

You've taken my old skin

& made it new again.

all that I can do is give it back to You...

You have made me new.

A new creation.

Why is it that I so often forget who I am?

I need to listen so much more.

Last night we were reminded of this; of the truth that we are not just what we do. And seeking God's will is not just about what we need to do, it's about who we are.

What both disturbs me and brings me comfort is the mystery of my faith. Verses like, "set your minds on what is above not what is on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden in God," and, "you took off the former way of life, you are being renewed in the spirit... you put on the new man, the one created according to God's likeness," don't really make sense.

But then it happens to you.

There is life in His words; His words are meant to speak into our life experience.

I have experienced many little deaths and also felt the brightness of new life. There is an understanding that comes with this life for Life trade that helps me to see, not with vision but with faith, that there is nothing better than becoming the pencil in the hand of a writing God, used to bring the reality of His story to earth, through my little life. I sometimes feel the ache and growing pains of letting go of what I know, of opening my hands to drop my control and hold tightly to trust.

Life is hard. Life in God can be harder.

And yet...

I have been given all that I need. I have the power to love and forgive and have joy in the midst of pain.

I have hope despite the worries and troubles in our world.

I have acceptance, whether I am surrounded by friends or alone.

I have peace even when there is war.

I have steadfastness even when I want to give up.

I have blessings though I may be poor.

I have strength, especially when I'm weak.

I have confidence because it is He who lives within me

and it is He who has overcome.

I have life even in my death.

I had Pandora on the other day and a song came on that always makes my heart sink. I don't know if I'll ever get over the emotion brought up with this music, the memory of this precious woman. I am amazed, though, at how near to us He is in our grief; how great He Himself felt and feels grief. But oh what joy awaits us. I feel like I am more keenly aware of death recently, and I am grateful that there is no fear. It would be nice to avoid the pain that often comes in dying, but both a physical death and daily death to self are richly rewarded. This in and of itself is a great mystery... and there are many questions. But my heart holds to hope. This is not all there is. We already know how this will end.

"Now when this corruptible is clothed with incorruptibility

and the mortal with immortality

then the saying that is written will take place:

Death has been swallowed up in victory

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

For the trumpet will sound

and the dead will be raised

and we will be changed."

1 Cor.15

messy

Sometimes I wonder how much I miss because I'm not willing to get messy or be uncomfortable.

I am a clean person, or like to think I am. I like washing my hands, brushing my teeth; REALLY enjoy a frequent shower. But often I think fun and significant things in life happen when we are willing to get down and dirty, either physically or metaphorically. I have many, many awesome memories from being in villages overseas and having so much fun playing soccer in 130 degree weather, or walking around and meeting people in the pouring rain. Even being home and serving hot chocolate to random strangers in freezing cold weather was extremely uncomfortable for me, but great conversation always came of it. In a metaphorical sense, prodding a little more in talking to friends when they don't seem to be doing well, or intentionally journeying with people through hard seasons of life. Entering into the beautiful mess of our world, of our own hearts.

I want to be more willing to do stuff without contemplating how messy, or hurt, I could get in the process.

This is a silly example, but a few minutes ago I came downstairs to check my email, look up a few blogs, etc. Abby, the dog, followed me and seemed very perturbed that I was not in a convenient position to constantly pet her. After much wining and sad-eye contact, I finally patted my bed and she enthusiastically accepted my invitation. Even though I just washed my sheets, and even though she is in heat (don't worry, diaper is on!), and even though I'm wearing a black dress and her white hair will be ALL over me, I feel good about my decision. She was feeling ignored and unloved (so I think) and I just needed to let her lay next to me. As insignificant as this may seem, it was a great reminder.

Thanks Abby.

materialistic madness vs. unnecessary poverty

Tonight I saw Isaiah 58:, a beautiful and hopeful film about the Church rising up to end extreme poverty. So many stories of lives around the world, our world, living in desperate places, many holding still to their faith. I left inspired. Heart-wrenchingly inspired.

I both love this and hate this, if I'm going to be honest.

I love the message, I love the stories of success. I love that people in affluent countries are mobilizing to reach out and share what they have. I love God and His ways of connecting all of us. And I love the meaning of Jesus-- that He was born into poverty, in a skeptical situation, and that He chose the message of love for the broken and rejected, which caused Him to Himself be broken and rejected for all.

I hate that this is our reality. I hate that this rips my heart into pieces. I hate that I have to make unselfish and unnatural decisions if I want to work in this for the rest of my life, staring at million dollar church buildings and walking around useless malls full of things I don't need (don't even get me started on TV commercials). And I hate that I judge. I hate that people are as broken as they are, and that the journey to healing is long, complicated, and will hurt me too. I hate the corruption of societies that makes doing good so difficult.

Something happens to me pretty much on a regular basis. I lose all sense of what is going on in my life here and now and it's like I'm taken outside of myself to see from an eternal perspective. (I've written about this before: my eternity moments). I realize that my life is truly "but a breath" and that there is SO MUCH TO DO. I don't know why I think about this... it's not normal. But it can be a gift. I don't easily get caught up in so-called unimportant things, but it also seems to make me fiercely blunt in conversations about those so-called unimportant things that most other normal people care a lot about. I sometimes hurt feelings and cause angry outbursts. But it's part of who I am. I can't separate my belief from myself. I can learn how to be humble and when to shut my mouth, but I cannot change the fact that I don't believe everyone should own a house, or drive a nice car, or save for retirement. Get over it.

Watching and hearing the stories of fellow human beings who do not have basic needs of survival just because they weren't born in a certain country or to a certain class of people is one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I want to "spend myself" on their behalf, not because of a guilt-conscious or because it will make me feel better-- because I have been given, so therefore I give. Because life means nothing with a whole bunch of stuff. Because God loves us so.

Or maybe just because.

Call me rant-y. I want to make the world better.

back & forth & in between, like my emotion

This makes me think of you.

Thank you.

We're part of a tragedy

living our stories

searching for hope

and not sure of our wanderings.

Beautiful roses

full of thorns

Shining sunflowers

scared of the storms.

It's good to know

that even when I make you sad

you won't go.

And the truth is

I would have let you leave;

closed the door to my heart

it only swings one way

that would have been it

back to the start

but you wouldn't let me leave.

There we were in the car

for hours on end

spitting out frustration

and not giving in.

My heart was breaking

though I wanted to pretend.

You become so honest

you stare your fears in the face

and I make you a promise

that I won't let you leave.

Another day painted over with His white grace

angry words

defeated pride

sullen souls

and tired minds

He brings water for our dry

He brings truth to our lies.

Whether it's wrong or right

love is teaching

love is changing

and love reminds me

the Lord turns my darkness into light.

We never have to leave.

22

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and a contrite heart.

These, O God, you will not despise.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

[Psalm 51]

I'm reflecting on a few things I've learned in the last year. Since I'm 22, I'm challenging myself to come up with at least 22 things. This won't be hard. :)

1. Redemption is real & really happens.

2. I can pull off straight across bangs.

2. Contentment is difficult to attain.

3. No matter how much you hope for something, sometimes things just don't work out. And that can be a great thing.

4. Timing is a curious thing.

5. Portuguese is a confusing & beautiful language.

6. The Amazon isn't as scary as I've always imagined.

7. Chocolate cake for breakfast is allowed in some countries. (and this is one reason I could stay in Brazil forever)

8. The resilience and joy of children will continue to amaze me.

9. Hair really freezes in below zero weather.

10. I can survive without having a plan or knowing how I'm getting home.

11. I will never tire of seeing my YWAM friends; they are truly a treasure.

12. Homesickness never goes away, even when you're happy with where you are.

13. God's grace is most generously displayed through people.

14. There are so many great friends to be found in this world.

15. Empathy has boundaries, which are very ominous and difficult to define. And still even harder to implement.

16. "This I know: God is for me."

17. I might not have one passion or one thing to do for the rest of my life. Still learning what to do with my many things...

18. Joy is both a gift and a determination.

19. Sailing is very fun.

20. God's love for me is beyond anything I could know or understand.

21. "We have forgotten to think relationally." By simply knowing people, appreciating their gifts and differences, choosing love rather than hate, life will be much richer.

22. Great is His faithfulness.

on a lighter note

I've discovered possibly the best blog ever! It's called Today's Letters, and was created by possibly the most adorable couple ever. I thoroughly enjoy reading their posts, all in letter form to each other and other random people/ things/ places in their life. SO CUTE. Click here to see!

I'm needing some kind of pick-me-up today, so I think I'll write my own version of today's letters to lighten my spirit and most likely crack myself up as well:

Dear Fall,

You warm my heart, even though my feet are usually cold.

I like your colors and, most of all, your fresh feeling and smell.

Thanks for being here. Please stay a while.

Dear Lucy,

You are a precious child. Sometimes your fussiness makes me go cross-eyed and gives me a headache, but mostly, I love spending so much time with you,

even when at the end of the day I'm covered in your spit-up and boogers

and sometimes carry the faint smell of poo.

You are teaching me a lot about babies. I know I will be a better mother one day because of you. So thanks for that.

And thanks for occasionally taking 2 and a half hour naps. Those are good days.

Dear Audi A6,

I'm so glad I have you in my life. I apologize for not coming up with a cute name for you yet...

I'm sure once winter comes (not for a long, long time) I will affectionately refer to you as Kathy Jones does:

the Tank.

I know you will be a faithful mode of transportation no matter what kind of horrid weather comes my way. I promise to be a safe driver and take good care of you.

PS: please keep the seat warmers working; I don't think I could survive without them.

Dear Kip,

I think you're cute, even with long hair and an unruly beard. But that is not encouragement for you to avoid the razor.

I appreciate your kind heart and eagerness to do fun things with me.

I'm mucho looking forward to our dates this weekend.

I'm trying to be an easy, go-with-the-flow kinda girl.

Forgive me when I'm not.

Seeyoubye.

Dear yoga pants,

YOU ARE MY FAVORITE.

I'm going to wear you until you are hideously faded

and barely held together.

Then I will lovingly replace you

and continue wearing them day after day.

Dear Africa,

I keep dreaming about you.

My heart longs to see you and serve your beautiful people.

I know not when, or if my heart will ever be ready,

but I will come to you one day.

Hopefully soon.

Dear Caribou,

Your iced americanos are quite a treat.

A poor man's latte; guilt-free and caffiene-charged. Yum.

Dear YWAM Denver,

I think I should be one of your recruiters.

Is it an official position?

Because I'm pretty good at it.

Take care of Lydia and Colby, and soon to be there, my dear friend Krysta.

I wish I could see you again.

I'm always hopeful for a road trip to your mountains

and your staff members whom I love so much.

You have changed my life. And you'll always make me feel at home.

Miss you.

Dear Panera Bread,

Thanks for the extra goodies that accompany our Panera card!

I know it's because we visit you way too often,

but I'm ok with that.

You are deeeeelicious.

Dear Whitney and Chad,

Can't wait to see y'all!!!

We will have so much fun. I anticipate much laughter

and good conversation.

Can't wait to see the love in your eyes-- very happy it's only taken a few years to make this happen.

Dear Lover of my soul,

Can I just say...

You are the best.

& words fail when I think about You

and remember all You've brought me through.

It's only by Your grace that I'm where I am.

You have so much for me...

I know You believe in me & Your love never gives up.

Forgive me for holding onto silly things,

for judging myself too harshly,

for not taking time to love and give to others

as You've loved and given to me.

I want to follow Your way,

whichever way that takes me.

Use me to shine forth Your hope & Your beauty.

Finish what You've started.

I'm yours, I'm yours forever.

Love you always.

Candice Mae.

heights & depths

"And so, a curse settled down around all Eve's children.

The harmony was gone & thorns began to grow,

for part of the curse was the prick of the thorn.

But God didn't take away the rose.

Since then, beauty and pain have grown in our world

side by side.

Suffering and joy exist on the same vine,

and tears can taste either bitter or sweet."

-Steven James-

Joy comes to those who in a sense forget themselves and become totally aware of the other.

-Mother Teresa-

"Maybe girls, with their tears and laughter, were getting more out of life. Shattering! He checked himself: showing one's emotions was not the thing; having them was.

What is beauty but something that is responded to with emotion? If the best of life is, in fact, emotional, then one wanted the highest, purest emotions. And that meant joy.

So, if he wanted the heights of joy, he must have, if he could find it, a great love. But in the books, great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hand with frightful pain.

Still...

still, the joy would be worth the pain-- if indeed they went together.

If there were a choice- and he suspected there was- a choice between the heights and depths, and on the other hand some sort of safe cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths.

He had had, was having, all the sorrow there was. And yet, the joy was worth the pain. Even now he reaffirmed that long past choice."

-A Severe Mercy-

"We have loved the stars too fondly

to be fearful of the night."

"Joy must be one of the pivots of our life. It is the token of a generous personality. Sometimes it is also a mantle that clothes a life of sacrifice and self-giving. A person who has this gift often reaches high summits. He or she is like a sun in a community."

-Mother Teresa-

"As the fire scorches the wood, it burns away all the natural saps and juices proper to the wood. At first the wood is charred and ugly. Each time it is thrust into the fire, the purging process continues. Finally, when all the natural juices that have been resisting the action of the fire are burnt away, the wood takes on the qualities of the fire itself. And glows.

God does not leave us until He has broken our hearts and our bones."

-Brennan Manning-

But the path of least resistance wasn't meant for me to take,

I'm learning who I am

On the way.

1 year

I really enjoy the new facebook thing of showing you your old statuses in the right hand column. I have been refreshed of some great quotes from the past, as well as reminded of where I was when I posted them. Today, a year ago, I posted something along the lines of: saying goodbye to Alabama, I will only miss your beautiful beaches & your people.

I hopped on a plane and headed to St. Louis to see my dad get married and spend time with my grandparents & wonderful stepmom, then proceeded to road trip with them to Colorado! I can't describe the way it felt when we finally got to the west end of Kansas. The air was cooler, the sun was setting amidst rain clouds over the vast, flat plains, and my heart was pounding with anticipation. Maybe some anxiety, too. I was nervous about going back to the place I had known so well and missed so much. I was different. I knew it would be different, too.

So there I was, eating pizza in downtown Golden with my father, whom I was not on speaking terms with when I was last in YWAM, and his new wife-- and I'm now realizing what a redemptive moment that was. I must not forget what all has happened, how so many things have come full-circle in my life. These are holy. These are blessings. And I count them with awe.

Even now, sitting in the home of an amazing family, thinking about all of the precious relationships in my life, new & old ... there aren't really words. I could endlessly breathe "thank yous" to God and never feel like it's enough. For reasons so far beyond me, I am here and I am so richly surrounded by His goodness. Uncomfortably happy. Joyful and somber. Life and its issues sure aren't easy, but it sure is good.

"In this place which you say is ruin... there will be heard again a sound of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the bride, and the voice of those saying,
Praise the Lord of Hosts, for the Lord is good! His faithful love endures forever!"
Jeremiah 33:10-11

I hope to be a voice to the world that declares joy and gladness in any and every circumstance. I fail miserably in the way I use my words-- too much complaining, not enough appreciating. Too much self-pity, not enough encouragement for others. So grateful for grace.

I think it's interesting in those verses that a bride/bridegroom relationship is mentioned. For all of the times I've doubted my desires for marriage, that it something I come back to: my passion for marriage to be a window into the love of God, to be a picture of hope and trust and commitment that we lack and honestly don't believe in anymore.

So today I am pensive, reflective, appreciating where I've come from and delighting in where I am. Expectant of whatever the next days bring. Loving Jesus and His redeeming love.

You will be delivered by returning and resting;

your strength will lie in quiet confidence.

Isaiah 30:15

Mi ancla tú serás

I would like to begin by saying,
I very much enjoy waking up, messy hair and glasses on, making a good cup of coffee and catching up on my blog reading/ writing. I tend to be a perfectionist with my appearance, so these days are a good break from that pressure I put upon myself.

Quick update on life: this describes me pretty well right now...

"You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things."

I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who both challenge and comfort me. I consistently struggle with the passions of my heart-- wanting to go to the sick, starving, and dying, bringing them Hope and love. I know beyond knowing that people right next door can be hopeless and in need, but there's an unsettling desire within me to go far away from what I know or what I'm comfortable with. To Africa, for example. Maybe it's a selfish desire, maybe I just want to travel and not deal with certain things or people in my life. I should take time to process through those possibilities. But anyway, besides that constant nagging, life is extremely good and I am so happy. I start nannying full-time in September, which means I am for sure staying here for winter. I will fight the desperation of wanting to hop in the car with some snow-birds going South. I can do this! Who knows, I might be really good at ice fishing or something...
So all is well up here. Friends will be visiting me soon, and I cannot say how grateful I will be to see them and have some sameness & familiarity around for a bit.

Last week or the week before, I really wanted Kip to read Don Miller's posts about relationships. To my great sadness, Don took them off his blog site! I respect him for it, because he felt he was too blunt, maybe unnecessarily offensive. So I hope he wouldn't mind if I shared a bit of what he wrote. I found great wisdom and conviction in his words, as usual. Hope you do, too!

[ This is to the ladies ]

Living a great love story doesn't look like winning the lottery, it looks like training for a marathon. It's hard work and you have to do the work long before you ever meet Mr. Right, otherwise you'll be the girl who shows up for marathon having eaten a gallon of ice cream every night, listening to Taylor Swift songs, and watching love stories about vampires. No good man can run with that girl, not for much longer than a mile...

Tell a great love story and you'll dazzle the world. Do the work and enjoy the benefits. The world needs some great love stories, but few people are willing to do what it takes to tell them. No wonder we all love them so much!

Do you want a great love story? Do you want to run the marathon it takes to be married to the same man after fifty years? Do you want him to look you in the eyes with so much respect it brings tears to his? If you do, start training for the marathon. No good story comes easy. A great love story is still possible. Go for it!

... It feels boring in the moment, but in twenty years you'll be crying your eyes out over this man who stuck with you through the thick and thin, and who honestly didn't care that you got fat. :)

[ This is for the boys]

Women don't just fall in love with flowers and chocolate. All that crap is fine. But what they fall in love with is dependability, strength, kindness, community, structure, and character. Being the leading man in a love story is, basically, aout being just that: a man that leads. Be a good man, a man with character. Have vision, lead the story, and be the man she's been dreaming about.

A man brings peace and order into chaos. You have what it takes to do this, I believe it firmly. You were designed to leave a wake of peace everywhere you go.

[ I've never heard that before, and I think it's very true! ]

You should want to make the world a better place, and you should be very focused and dedicated to making this happen. This means going to college, starting a company, coaching a team or teaching a class. If you want to make a woman's dreams come true, pick up your X-box and throw it in the trash, and start doing something with your life.

Most people think love stories only benefit women, but don't be fooled. There's a lot in this story for you. God designed it so a man felt his most powerful while guiding a woman through an amazing love story.

Stop falling for the romantic version of life and start realizing that a romantic story is told with an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, suffering, and patience.

Isn't Don so good?! I appreciate his perspective on life and love and God and everything. Not that I always agree, but I appreciate him nonetheless. And I wonder what his wedding is going to be like?!
Anyway, I'm being challenged in what I've preached since I was a young high schooler-- the importance of seeking God over seeking a relationship, setting and keeping boundaries, not letting anyone have more of my time or love than Jesus. Yeah... it's hard. Snaps for everyone who abides by strict relationship rules. I'm needing so much grace in this time of my life! Which I think is a lesson in and of itself. I need to be reminded on a daily, hourly basis, that He does not want or expect perfection. Relationships are messy, even our relationship with God. And that is OK!

"I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover, and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him unto us."

a whale of a tale

"I think there's a reason bedtime stories always end with 'happily ever after.'

Once everything is happy & there is no struggle,

then there's no more story to tell."

-Steven James, Story

I have this thing about me, this dreaming side. I am enthralled by stories, as imaginary and unrealistic as they may be. I come alive in them. I don't want the story to end, unless I am sure another even greater story is coming next.

So here is my dilemma: First, what is a great story? Second, how can I write a great story with my life? I could abandon all, leave this town, pursue great mountains or great fame, but would that entail a great story? Or would that just be new and fun for the moment?

My friend Donald says that a story is about a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. And, "A story is based on what people think is important, so when we live a story, we are telling people around us what we think is important."

Aha, this could change everything...

I love the above quote from the book, Story. It makes sense! As much as we want a fairytale life, that life does not exist. Fairytales exist because of what is conquered and accomplished before the happy ending. Forgive me if this is cheesy, but we have a great happy ending waiting for us. I am eagerly awaiting the day I see this Jewish carpenter/rabbi who has captured my heart and turned my world upside down. At the same time, I know that once that moment comes, this story ends. I will be with my Love forever. And as beautiful and happy as that sounds, I know it's not all that I was created for.

I watched a documentary yesterday called The Human Experience. Ah-mazing film. If you have Netflix, find it and watch it! It's about these guys who have been through hard stuff in life and want to know what life is like from other people's experiences and perspectives. One philosopher who was interviewed said, "Life IS other people." I thought that was a profound statement.

I've recently been very disturbed by the fact that I can walk by a person without acknowledging them. Or that they can walk by me and completely ignore my existence. That, to me, is a major sign of our broken reality. How did we get to the point of being able to shut down our emotions, live without compassion, and desensitize ourselves to each other's humanity? As MLK, Jr. said, we have developed a "thing-oriented" society versus a "person-oriented" society. So sad. I want that to change in my life. I want my story to be intertwined and given meaning because it's a part of other people's stories. I know I cannot do this on my own, and I wouldn't have made it this far if I had attempted to! We are all connected. And this is both what makes life wonderful and what makes it so hard.

[from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, after Don & friends biked across the U.S.]

"But the people who took the bus didn't experience the city as we experienced the city. The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than we would have been if we had skipped the story and showed up at the ending an easier way."

[from The Human Experience]

"Suffering is a journey deeper into the heart of life."

What if a good story is about making your ordinary life extraordinary, not by travel or fame, but by love, laughter, service, sacrifice, and pain? What if a good story is dismissing the fantasy and embracing the every day opportunities to give yourself up for others, for the greater good? What if good stories are really possible, and what if we could create them by focusing on where there is need, who needs it, and how we can submerge ourselves in a calling as worthy as loving others as much as we love ourselves? What if it's not so much about enjoying beauty as we see it, but searching for and seeking out the beauty disguised in the ugly and unforeseen?

I feel like this entry has been patchy and disorganized. I have pieced together thoughts that have been whirling in my mind and heart for months now! I hope it's follow-able? If not, well, this blog is more for me than for you. I need the space to organize my mental processes and the accountability to know other people could possibly be reading them also. And maybe, just maybe, you need to process and hear this stuff, too.

Enough for now. I need some of this fresh, Minnesotan air!

"Dear friends, let us love one another

because love is from God."

1 John 4:7

reflections

Today was Minneapolis's National Night Out. Fun times, even funnier people! I love how diverse we all are. A beautiful dark skinned lady in a bright orange dress; a funny keyboard player with a long ponytail and goofy smile; young, hip couples; old, rugged people; cute grandpa eating a hamburger in his khakis and biker helmet. Just wonderful.

One of the city representatives said this night was so important because we all come together, meet our neighbors, and see the humanity in each other. I think that's simply powerful. I took it all in, and only met a few people in the process. Got some great blisters. Enjoying life more & more in this interesting place!

We were at the cabin this past weekend, just the Jones clan (still minus Alli, and plus myself, now included in most Jones family activities). It was super windy and a bit rainy on Saturday. I was bummed because you know me, I need my tan-- hold the skin cancer, please. It was crazy wind though, not sail-able in my opinion. So there we were: reading, sleeping, eating. Blah, but good. We got some swimming in later that afternoon and the sun met us out on the boat. The loons, too. (I'm still a bit frightened by them & their red eyes & hugeness).

But Saturday night... oh man, what a night.

GREAT food

EPIC sunset [I had tears in my eyes]

Beautiful lightening storm

Perfect little fire

Family

Wine

Oreos [double-stuffed]

and in the midst of all of it, God. It continuously amazes me how often I seem to forget to direct my praise and awe to Him. I think He feels it anyway, because He knows He's in everything-- for it was all made in Him and through Him, duh. But you know what I mean? It's like... wow. This is my life. Wait... my life could be the extreme opposite. But it's not. Hmmm. Thank you, God. (???) All the while I'm questioning whether I would still love Him the same if my life was really different and harder and included much more loss.

And Kip & I talked about how we can appreciate this God who creates epic things like bright orange and gold and pink clouds that look like a mountain or a wave, coming at us like we could be washed away in glory, just because He can and He enjoys us enjoying the end of a blessed day. How can we even respond to that? I don't want to be a spoiled child that disregards it or on the other hand, begs for more. I want to be humbly and graciously thankful for that moment, not expecting another, but hoping to stay in that beauty forever.

One of my "strengths" is empathy. Strengths Finder had an interesting explanation of this characteristic:

"It's very likely that you are filled with awe by beauty in the world, in people, and in the cosmos. Whether you gaze upon nature's wonders or marvel at a work of human hands, you are filled with wonder. You can suddenly stop what you are doing to watch a sunset, listen to the rustle of leaves, stand before a work of art, hear a piece of music, look through a telescope, or hold a newborn child. You experience beauty at a level many people cannot imagine. Once the moment has passed, you can still picture the scene or hear the sound in your memory."

I feel. Deeply. And I wonder how what's going on in my heart or my head could be connected to Him. I've heard many say that He is closer than our very breath. It's hard for me to understand. How thankful I am that I can feel the reality of it and rest in that.

My God is here.

What precious Truth.

j.O.y.

And more C.S. Lewis...

"I call it joy which is here a technical term and must sharply be distinguished both from happiness and from pleasure.

Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic in common with them-- the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world.

But then joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."

** What a powerful statement. I could physically feel the truth of those words when I read them (weird?). I have been on this mental processing route since the School of Social Justice last fall. We had a teaching on suffering, and it really challenged me to see it in a different light. Plus reading Katie Davis's blog on a regular basis will screw with your version of joy a little bit. Or a lot.

It's strange to me that our surroundings and culture have so much to do with how we view God and what we believe life is all about. Wouldn't it have been easier to just put this solid understanding of Him in the heart of every person, regardless of how they are raised and what they see and who teaches them?! But life is not about what is easy. Dangit.

So what about joy? The New Testament is teeming with phrases like "count it all joy when you suffer" and "blessed are those who are persecuted and hated because of Me," and so on. This doesn't make sense in my head. And when I let it sink into my heart, I usually cry. Both because I really like comfort and security and because I know it is my place and purpose to suffer with those who are suffering.

I know that kind of joy, though. And it doesn't feel good. But it is very real. It's almost like, once you experience true joy, you realize that the happiness and pleasure you've always surrounded yourself with is actually superficial and fake. It's quite a blow to your world and seems to ruin everything, when in reality it brings heaven to earth and helps you to see with more than your eyes that all this stuff doesn't actually matter. People are truly treasures hidden in clay pots, with hard lives and deep issues, and loving them is more than a command: it's truly a cause to give everything up for.

from Screwtape Letters:

"He cannot tempt to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand, and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles.

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

An example of suffering love to me-- looking at this broken world, feeling the pain and hate, and still believing that in all this crap, He is here. That His love conquers all. That even if I don't see it, I trust in His goodness and faithfulness.

Such joy can be found there in the believing without seeing.

And that's where I aspire to live my life.

let's pretend

C.S. Lewis's writings are a treasure to me...

" 'Our Father,' do you now see what those words mean? They mean quite frankly that you are putting yourself in the place of a son of God. To put it bluntly, you are dressing up as Christ. If you like, you are pretending.

Because, of course, the moment you realize what the words mean, you realize that you are not a son of God. You are not being like the Son of God whose will and interests are at one with those of the Father. You are a bundle of self-centered fears, hoped, greeds, jealousies, and self conceit, all doomed to death. So that, in a way, this dressing up as Christ is a piece of outrageous cheek. But the odd thing is that He has ordered us to do it.

Why? What is the good of pretending to be what you are not? Well, even on the human level you know there are two types of pretending. There is a bad kind where the pretense is there instead of the real thing. But there is also a good kind, where the pretense leads up to the real thing. When you are not feeling particularly friendly but know you ought to be, the best thing you can do, very often, is to put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. And in a few minutes, as we have all noticed, you will be really feeling friendlier than you were. Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. That is why children's games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown ups, but all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits so that the pretense of being grown up helps them to grow up in earnest.

... You no longer think simply about right and wrong; you are trying to catch the good infection from a Person. It is more like painting a portrait than like obeying a set of rules. And the odd thing is that while in one way it is much harder than keeping rules, in another way it is far easier.

The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself... He works on us in all sorts of ways, not only through what we think our 'religious life.' But above all, He works on us though each other. Men are like mirrors, or carriers, of Christ to other men.

And now we begin to see what the New Testament is always talking about. They mean that a real Person, here and now, is doing things to you. It is a living Man still as much a man as you and still as much God as He was when he created the world, really coming and interfering with your very self. Finally, if all goes well, turning you permanently into a different sort of thing, into a new little Christ, a being which in its own small way has the same life as God; which shares in His power, joy, knowledge, and eternity."

Mmmmm. I really love this! I have struggled with the word "hypocrite" in my life because of the anger and hatred that backs it. That word is usually not, dare I say, NEVER used with kindness or understanding. But this exert from Mere Christianity puts it in a new light for me. Admitting that I am a hypocrite in this way and with this analogy seems totally ok and even necessary to me. None of us are who we ought to be. Even by choosing to follow the example of Christ and live disciplined, intentional lives we still cannot, by our deeds and choices, become who we are supposed to be. We are playing dress up.

One of my favorite passages in the bible is Colossians 3 in The Message translation. Paul actually uses the dress up metaphor in describing how we are to put on the new wardrobe that God picked out for us: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. "And regardless of whatever else you put on, wear love. Never be without it."

So... maybe being a hypocrite isn't a terrible thing. Maybe it's a realistic (and biblical) view of who we are as simple people trying to keep in step with a very big and complex God. It's a freeing acceptance to me-- I am trying to be someone I'm not. When did that become such a bad thing?

& the Father says...

"Let Us treat her as if she was what, in fact, she is not. Let Us pretend in order to make the pretense into a reality."

behold,

a new creation.

[under construction]

About a boy

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

C.S. Lewis

Hmmm... where to begin? I am thoroughly enjoying life in a northern town. Summers are much, MUCH more enjoyable here. The people are extremely nice (the ones I've met, at least). I am living with such people-- so grateful to be on the receiving end of biblical hospitality! It's a huge part of my heart to practice this in my own life when I have a home that is mine to open up to strangers and wanderers. Amazing gift to experience! I feel His hand of blessing so heavy on my life. Very humbling. Very, very thankful.

Kip asked me once if I've blogged about him yet. I haven't. And I suppose it's time to!

I think it's because I can't quite put words to this time of life. It is completely foreign to me to be in a relationship. A real one. And yet it feels so natural. It's strange only when I think about it and compare my life up until now to where I am and what I am doing. I asked a friend before I left home if he thought I was crazy. He said yes, but then he brought up the point that since I graduated high school, I haven't stayed in one place for very long, I've traveled the world, so no... it's not really that crazy! Minus the fact that now it's about a boy.

I've asked Kip several times if he's sure about this. About me. Because though I seem to have it all together, most of the time I feel like a "small, emotionally disturbed child" to quote Julie & Julia (which we recently watched, which Kip really liked!). It's pretty amazing to be with someone and know that they adore you-- not just the you that other people know, but the you that often stays hidden and quiet and only comes out when it feels safe or is provoked. The good, the bad, and the ugly-- the tired, the annoyed, the overwhelmed. He's seen most of that by now and still calls me beautiful. And I feel the love of my Father.

It's a very interesting process to go through... I wish I had no fear, but somehow it's a blessing. I'm leaning on Him, clinging to the truth that no matter what happens, He has me. I am opening myself up to another person in a new & deeper way, which simultaneously teaches me to trust in the Lord and not in myself. It's exciting and fun and terrifying, much like my walk of faith thus far. I feel so blessed (I can't seem to find a better word!) to know a man with a heart like his. He probably wouldn't want me to tell this to the world, but I'm going to anyway. We biked to the Twins game last week and on our way home we stopped to chat with a homeless guy named James. Kip immediately asked him if he wanted a new shirt, and James was really confused! He was like, what are you doing? Why are you being so nice? And Kip gave him his Twins shirt. We hung around and listened to his stories for a bit, then walked the rest of the way home. It's especially in moments like that when I'm so blown away by his love for people. My favorite thing is being in conversations with others and watching him put all of his focus and attention on that person, in that moment. I both envy and appreciate that about him, because I don't feel like I love people that much.

I still have so much to learn about love, but it seems like we're on the right path. There's a reality that we don't complete each other-- that's Jesus. But we do compliment each other very well (example: in the library, he grabbed a baseball stats book while I was nearly crying over a Mother Teresa book. There has to be a balance there!)

So this is my life at the moment. I'm growing. I'm loving being in a new place with new people. It's oddly comfortable, while at the same time still very challenging. I miss my home community, but I know that I'll be back soon enough. I want to keep moving forward. There will always be an ache in my heart for what/who I've left behind, but God is so good. I can't get over how great life is. Even when circumstances aren't the greatest, life is such a beautiful gift.

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,

strike the bell & bide the danger

or wonder, till it drives you mad

what would have followed if you had..."