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Saturday, July 31, 2010

Bound for a place called somewhere.


"I remember the sweet sensation of leaving years ago for who knows where. I could not have known about this beautiful place... and I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace (else). I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. All my life I have been changing... everybody has to change or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn't all happening at once.

Time has pressed you and me into a book, too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds to minutes and our minutes to hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was...
Life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers. It's a living book, this life; it folds out into a million settings cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is coming to a close quickly. So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving & some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God.
We get one story, you and I, and one story alone... it would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go.
It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back.

It is you who will have changed."



(Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Strategic Nonstructure


"Know who you are and use what He has given you to speak to the world."
--The New Rebellion Handbook

I'm pondering the meaning of my life tonight, and I'm going to let you listen. Today was a great day for me: I was able to work, get paid, chit-chat with friends, eat, relax, etc. I came home with new groceries and made myself a delightful sandwich along with some coffee. Then I turned on the television, hoping to find a nice movie. Maybe a romantic comedy. Yes, that would be nice. Those always make me feel better. I did not find one of those movies, however. I stumbled upon one titled Human Trafficking. And now, with bitten down nails and random bursts of tears, I am sitting here wondering why I'm living the life I'm able to live. God's grace? God's purpose? But why are millions of people right now this very second being abused, starved, sold, and neglected? Why am I not one of them? This question haunts me, when I let it. When I'm not being distracted by my wonderful little life. I am not saying this out of bitterness or anger (ok, maybe a little bit of anger), but with a broken heart and a desire to not just be wasting away in a nice house surrounded by nice things, doing whatever I want to do with the time allotted to me on this earth.

Which brings me to why I need to stop and consider a few things. What do I love? What do I hate? What do I think would be a worthy cause to give my life for? Unfortunately (or maybe not) I do not get to choose how long I will live. I do in some ways, but you know what I mean. So how can I be intentional about my life? How can I live blamelessly before my God, doing everything I can where I am to serve Him and be a physical embodiment of His love? What do I want to be as I grow up and grow old? Are my desires for my life righteous and just, or self-serving and meaningless? I have a lot to think about... I won't bother you with the entire extent of it.
I mainly wanted to make a list. I'm often asked the question of what I like to do or what I want to be doing one day, and my answers are less than satisfactory. Either I have too much to say, or I don't have anything to say at all. Let's hope I can organize my thoughts & heart a little bit tonight.
  • Loves:
Children. Worship. Nature. Writing. Cleanliness. Flowers. Sharing my heart with others. Reading. Giving things away. Hospitality. Relationships. Music. Intercession. Traveling. Graphic art. Decorating. Tea and Coffee. Meeting the physical needs of others. Researching & learning. Laughter. Seeing people experience the love of the Father.

There are so many directions I could take between those things. I could write books. I could work with/ create a non-profit organization. I could move to Africa and teach children. And adopt children. :)
I could open and run a home for rescued girls. I could travel the world and document about the horrible and the amazing things, and help to open the eyes of the ignorant. I could become a nurse or a doctor and allow the underprivileged a better life. I could work in a coffee shop, serving it with a smile and the love of Christ.
And/Or... I could choose to live every single day with the conviction in my heart that God is bigger, this world is not my home, my identity is not found in what I do but Whose I am, every single person I meet and talk with needs to know how beautiful and awesome my Jesus really is, that I need never to forget to pray for those who suffer and are in need all over my world, and that changing my world for the better is just one person away.

"The real danger in all this, and the potential danger in your life, is that the circumstances in your life begin to define who you are. Instead, who you are needs to define what you do in life... Whatever the cause, there are few things more tragic than leading a 'normal life.'"

When are the moments that you feel most alive? I have to think about that as well. I would say that when I am the happiest or feeling the most joy, but honestly, I think it's the pain more than the joy. Because without the pain there would be no realization of joy. When my heart is aching like it is tonight, for all those precious people living in such darkness... I am so aware of life and what makes it worth living. And I want to fight for that.

So here I am, living a life of strategic nonstructure, waiting on the Lord and for His strength, seeking to please Him always, wandering but never lost.
I'm going to continue my pondering session alone. Thanks for listening in. Pray for me-- that I would not be so blind with privilege & that I may continue to have the courage to follow Him with each step I take. I will pray the same for you, too.



Sunday, July 18, 2010

Blindly.

I raised my hand this morning. Not for salvation, but in desperation. I've lost count of the months that I've been in the same position-- tears on my face, an ache in my heart, and a prayer on my lips. "Father, I'll go wherever, I'll do whatever, please just speak to me."
We had a missionary couple from Ecuador with us this morning. His words fanned the fire in my heart as he spoke of thousands of girls in this country who are mindlessly sold or given away to the sex slave industry. Joil shared about taking risks, about leaving your comfortable life, because when we're comfortable God doesn't get the glory. He used the analogy of eagles and what happens when it's time for the babies to learn how to fly. There isn't a safe, tranquil training session. They are pushed, thrust out of the nest. This is the same wordage that is used in Matthew 9:38 when Jesus tells his disciples about the harvest field & says to pray that workers may be "sent out." In other words, pushed from their normal, calm lives and thrown into a world that desperately needs the very body of Christ present and ready to help. I love the simplicity of ministry-- find a need and do something to meet it.
Back to the eagles: if the youngster doesn't succeed on the first try, the mother will take it higher and drop it again. But she never leaves; she picks up her young again and again until they learn to fly. Or, if they won't leave the nest, she will tear it apart piece by piece until there is nothing comfortable left and they have no other choice. This is sounding all too familiar, isn't it? Yet as much as this message made sense to me, what I can't decide is where my comfort resides. I really haven't been completely comfortable with any place that He's taken me. It's not comfortable for me to be here with no specific career path or plan. I think of all the groups and organizations who are fighting for the same passions of my heart and wonder if I'd be too comfortable there. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so uncomfortable right now writing this in my comfortable home that tells me I'm where I need to be.
In the words of a country song, how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly? I do not know. Some days I feel like I'm hopelessly jumping here and there, trying to find my wings and my way, and then I'm reminded that when it's time, He'll give me a good shove.

I raised my hand to receive grace in what I am to do, to let go of fear and striving. I placed my hand on my heart to promise my obedience & my whole life to His call. I will fall, I will fail. But His love never fails.

You are walking on water. And You are calling me after. May I learn to trust You with everything in me.


I close my eyes
everything disappears but Your smile.
I raise my hands
on a cliff I stand.
Arms open wide.
You're the Father, I'm the child.
You whisper to me...
step off the edge.
Leave it all behind.

So much more has been waiting
on the other side.
I think it's time
we cross this river so wide.
Leave these shores
step off the edge
Leave it all behind.

Let go.

Fly.


-Jonathan David Helser-

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

still You whisper Your peace to me

Can there be any preparation for the unexpected? I think yes and no. It seems impossible to prepare for what our physical selves feel. But our true selves can rest assure. I find myself questioning and challenging my faith today. Would I still be able to praise Him? Would I still have my exuberance for life? Would I still trust Him with my whole heart? Thankfully, our Lord is not scared of our questions. We shouldn't be either. My goal is an unshakable faith. I have a feeling everything must be shaken before it becomes unshakable. Let only the eternal things stand. Let only my love for Him and His for me be enough. Let only His peace and nothing less calm my soul. Let me only live for Him, no matter what comes my way.

"Surely goodness, mercy, and unfailing love will follow me all the days of my life. And through the length of my days, the house of the Lord and His presence shall be my dwelling place." Psalm 23:6