he finds me

... when I'm hiding 

behind all my disguises.

& nothing is hidden from your sight
wherever I go
You find me.
You don't miss a thing.

You know me.

Hmmmm.. this one... here... yes! Perfect. 
Arranging flowers is one of my favorite hobbies. Finding the right colors, or all the mixes of colors; the huge and the small, the wild and the perfectly groomed. Flowers are my favs. And there's something about putting them together to form a brilliant, blooming creation that reminds me of the patience and practices of the Master gardener. My Abba loves to garden, especially with me. The patience, the toils, the delight in flower babies when they fiiiiiinally show their little buds with peeks of color - a small glimpse into their unique, created beauty. I have literally, tangibly, felt his mutual squeals of joy as my forget-me-nots and zinnias popped up one after another.
Watching them grow week by week has stirred these words in my heart and mind:

"I want to unfold. I don't want to stay folded anywhere, 
because where I am folded, there I am a lie."

Nearly too deep a thought for me to express what it means. To unfold... to reveal my true self to the world that can (and will) trample, laugh at, point out imperfections... to unveil, to release, to just be. Be me. Such small simple words for such a huge, heartbreaking and courageous journey. "because where I am folded, there I am a lie," speaks volumes to my insecure self that so longs to be authentic and longs to love what he has made, for it is good. This is my greatest quest.
For now I will say, I'm just a settling soul, still moving around and getting comfy in her own skin, remaining open to discovering beauty both within and out and around; soaking up the sunny moments and soaking up the sometimes refreshing, sometimes sorrowful, rain, believing that I am unfolding all the while - though some of the process is microscopic and unseen.



Several experiences have happened recently that have made me laugh, or catch my breath, or just sit in silent, reverent awe, because they are things that happened at the perfect time, created for me in what seems a perfect, simple moment. One experience happened on a morning I was hanging out in Dunn Bros before work. As I was sitting at my mini table, writing in my calendar, the instrumental Time After Time came on in the store. This song has melted my heart ever since seeing the timeless classic, Julie & Julia. I reveled in the beauty of the music as it sweetly serenaded me and my cranberry-orange muffin, remembering a seems-like-long-ago life and thanking him.
Another lovely moment was sitting in a room of awesome people for the launch of an amazing initiative in our community. Meeting and greeting so many purposeful, aspiring humans in one night is an awesome occurrence all its own. To top it off, one of the tunes of the evening was Electric Feel, which holds a very special place in my heart from very special friends. I haven't heard that song played in public before, especially didn't expect it to be played in that setting, which made me rejoice all the more. And then there are countless, almost daily, moments of checking emails and receiving so many needed words of encouragement via close friends and friends I've never met before but with whose hearts I am deeply connected through the typed words they freely and vulnerably share with the world. One such post was this one: The Mad Season. Words to my feelings right there, folks.

So all of these moments, magical as they seem, are just moments, like small arrangements in my grand bouquet of a life. I am choosing to be more aware of the interconnectedness of it all. Sometimes it's just one lonely yet strikingly beautiful flower, and sometimes it's a whole bundle of strange and wonderful types. In each vase, in each situation, in each life, He is bringing us all together, loving us all as his own.


:: More inspiring and comforting words from my online bffs ::


"You do not have to change in order to love yourself. You have to love yourself in order to change. That means embracing yourself completely, right now at this moment - as a bitter, scared, disorganized, faithless mess. This is called radical self-love and we will be practicing it here."

Sister G



I want to be shiny and new, all put together, but I just can't get there... I'm a lot like my old house : cracked and mismatched and patched over. On my worst days I start to believe that what God wants is perfection...

I practice believing that, bottom line, God loves me as is, even if I never do get my act together. I put my hand on the plaster wall, numbly and textured, and I think thankful thoughts about the walls. Then I put my hand on the floor, and I think thankful thoughts about the floor, even though it's scratched and ridged, and you can see where one of my black heels lost it's little cap and the metal part left tiny round divots in the floor, over and over, like confetti stamped into the wood.
I imagine that God does that to me, puts his hand on my head, on my heart, on my savage insecurities, and as he does it, he thinks thankful thoughts about me.

--Shauna, Cold Tangerines