here with me

If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.

--Oswald Chambers

"You do not know what you are going to do; the only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing."

We have all got choices to make. And this one is mine: even now, here's my heart, God.

I have these times when I am so overwhelmed with discontentment-- of where I am, who I am. Today I was at work and found myself fighting this feeling again. What am I doing here? Why am I not somewhere like Africa helping the sick, feeding children, caring for the forgotten? I'm letting myself get annoyed at things like my car and not having a cell phone when in all reality I know that these things should not be dictating my emotions, and definitely should not be important enough to make me mad. But they have been.

And then I let my mind wander to the blogs I read and the people I keep up with around the world and I wonder why I'm not there, too.

"it will happen in time."

"You are here for a reason."

"Enjoy this time with friends and family while you can."

All good things to say, but they don't help slay my desires. Every day it gets a little easier and a lot harder to be home. I know that doesn't make sense; my life is a contradiction.

The fact is: I want to love people. I can do that anywhere. But for some odd reason, everything within me wants to go to far away lands. Maybe because it's easier, or maybe because it's harder. I'm not going to try and intellectualize it, I'm just being honest. It's amazing being surrounded by familiar things, people who are very dear to my heart, to come home to a quiet non-threatening place.

But....

it's not me.

It's no longer what blesses this heart within me. His heart within me.

God has/ is breaking my heart. With each new crack, it's like it has happened for the first time. I feel their pain. And I hear Him calling. Be it empathy or compassion, I think it's just how He has made me. I can take no credit for it-- some days I actually want to give it back-- but mostly, I accept it as the beautiful purpose He has chosen for me.

I am reminded of some words my fellow YWAMers gave me before we left Denver. One precious friend came up to me during worship and told me it was ok to be torn, to feel broken, and that I shouldn't try to mend or fix what God has broken within me-- He will use me in my brokenness. And another encouragement was about contentment: the verse that says godliness with contentment is great gain. He had a picture of someone swimming laps-- the constant discipline and sameness over and over, but I'm training for something, and soon the boundaries will be removed and I will be released into the open water. SO encouraging right now!

Every day has its challenges. I do not have a hard life at all, at least not in the material way. But it is hard, beyond hard, to be confronted with issues and horrors and the realities of other peoples' lives and not know how helping them fits into your life. Or if it should "fit in" at all...

Oh Jesus give me grace.

And help me to see past my fears and the opinions & concerns of others.

Give me Your eyes.

"All that I am, I place into Your loving hands. I am Yours."