Turn your eyes.

When I see Him I shall be made like Him. Soon and very soon.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."

Daily I am faced with inadequacy. My love towards others falls short, my speech is less than encouraging, my grace is limited, my time & resources aren't used responsibly. How easy it is to get lost in self-accusation and condemnation! To think of how He loves us, how His grace is abounding, His eyes locked on each of us with such caring intent, His hands holding our world, His Spirit active in the innermost spaces of our lives. I am amazed. And I believe it is this amazement that we need to consistently have to live a life of freedom and growth. This is Truth: He is perfection and we are not, but we are to pursue Him, and in pursuing perfection, become more like Him. Will we reach our goal? Not on this side of heaven, I don't think. But it is in the pursuit of holiness that we become holy, whether we know it or not. In humility and discipline and love we must fix our eyes on Jesus, live a life worthy of our calling, and let Him have His way in us.

Though we have not seen Him, our hearts can know Him well. And someday soon, we'll be with the One we love.

“Like the eye which sees everything in front of it and never sees itself, faith is occupied with the Object upon which it rests and pays no attention to itself at all. While we are looking at God, we do not see ourselves-- blessed riddance. The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul & looks away to the perfect One.”

On repeat.

My heart is so blessed by music. This song is really messing me up right now. I've needed a rebuke-- my time has not been well spent. I've needed a reminder-- He is worth everything. I need a retreat-- to just get away with Him. My devotion is so easily distracted. Forgive me, my Lord. This is my returning. This is my true longing. I love You.

All My Devotion

by Kristene Mueller

Beautiful Man, beautiful God, You're more than worth my time.

More than worth these longings of my heart left unfulfilled, just for a time.

And I know You don't come

as easy as some

but I will watch and pray.

Take it all, take it all,

just give me Jesus.

Just give me Jesus.

I don't want any other lovers...

for all my devotion belongs to this Man.

And I know You don't come as easy as some,

so I will watch and pray. I will watch and pray.

Courage to be you.

I had to copy this blog post from Jenny Williamson, founder of C2BU. She is so passionate and sincere. Keep this ministry in your prayers-- they are doing great things in California and soon to be around the world.

Ocean Liners:

Exactly three years ago, I first heard Don and Bridget Brewster, founders of Agape Restoration Home in Cambodia, speak of an evil so vile it’s details are rarely repeated or spoken aloud. Sex trafficking. When I learned this foul crime against children happens in the world I live in, my heart hurt in a way I had never experienced. Tears seemed such an inadequate response but it was my only offering. However, when I learned children are trafficked for sex night after night in the city I live in, I was outraged! Paralyzing heartache and silent tears gave way to movement; a movement to build Courage House, homes for children rescued from sex trafficking around the world!

“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.” (Marshal Ferdinand Foch) That is what I feel daily … “on fire” to see children rescued and then restored to be and do all God created them to. And now an army has joined me!

The following words are from my journal this past March. They are words I believe were whispered by God. “The ministry, the people of Courage to Be You (C2BU), is like a huge ocean liner powerfully moving across the ocean. It is a movement. Ocean liners move the water out of the way and replace it with its hull. This phenomenon is a natural law called displacement. Another word for “displacing” is to “force out”. You are taking ground, forcing things out of the way based on the weight of your belief. You are pushing things aside in direct proportion to the weight of that belief. The force of it is the source that propels you and buoys you up. You cannot sink if you are heavy in belief.

Ocean liners operate in deep water. The ocean’s depth is limitless. You are operating in the limitless ocean of eternity. Besides being a movement and forcing out of the way that which is within the way of My will, you are replacing Satan’s schemes with My designs. In the bible passage, Luke 5, Peter was astonished at the size of the catch, a catch he could not bring in alone and so will you. The rescue of these children are my will. Go. Take courage. Set the captives free."

We are so close to opening the first Courage Houses, here in the U.S., Tanzania, Africa and India. Daily I am overwhelmed by God’s movement among his people, fanning the flame of desire in each of us until it has reached an inferno of action! We are united in this purpose and the bible promises “when they are united as one, speaking the same language nothing they plan will be impossible”. We agree! Won’t you join us?

Courage to be You

Aesthetically Exciting

“We had had what we had chosen; not business success or scholarly acclaim, but a great love.”

With some reluctance, I finished A Severe Mercy. Never before have I read such a beautiful story of love (pagan, as he calls it), the journey to faith, loss, and the adventures of life. A home in the country, a home on a sailboat, a home in England. The seasons of life that Van & Davy traveled through were both sweet and mundane. There are so many small things in life that we overlook when we only desire the great things. And that is precisely why I found myself quite smitten with these two. Their adoration for poetry, for beauty in nature and the arts, for dogs and long walks, for a simple life with love to sustain them. In the beginning, neither of them wanted religion. I thought that was so odd, considering their passions and unique outlook on life. I forget that many people have yet to know how wonderfully fun and romantic, in a sense, a religious life can be. In the author’s words, “No longer did the Church appear only a disreputable congeries of quarreling sects: now we saw the Church as splendid and terrible, sweeping down the centuries with anthems and shining crosses and steady-eyed saints. No longer was the faith something for children: intelligent people held it strongly, and they walked to a secret singing we could not hear. Or did we hear something, high and clear and unbearably sweet?”

I cried when Davy, finally overcome by her realization of sin, “walked across the room” and “committed [her] ways to God in Christ.” Not having a so-called memorable salvation experience, I am purely overjoyed when I learn of someone else’s, especially when I have gotten to know them well (in the context of a book, for instance). Reading of their small, Oxford apartment, with the door always open, tea always made, and friends always coming and going, is a picture I do long for in my life (apart from living in Oxford, though it sounds really beautiful). And the many long conversations that always seem to lead to the mysteries of God; the doubts and the struggles and the love despite all. I very much empathize with Van as he writes, “How could Earth’s religion, one of Earth’s religions, be true for the whole galaxy-- millions of planets maybe? It’s-- it’s too little!” Thankfully for him, he made one of the best friends I could imagine him making-- C.S. Lewis. Obviously, it didn’t take Van long at all to come to his knees. I’m not a person who needs proof for belief, but it does make it better, doesn’t it? I really like what Lewis replied to one of his letters: “If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it that you don’t feel at home there? … Notice how we are perpetually surprised at time. Why? Unless, indeed, there is something in us which is not temporal.” Brilliant!

I could really write on and on about this book (more like their autobiography). I don’t want to spoil all of it in case some of you would like to read it. But I must talk about the very point of this story: that love, real Love, is stronger than death. And it is death that has been a revelation to me. I almost always cry when someone dies, but it’s not necessarily a depressing cry. On most occasions, I am deeply touched by the person who has died. It’s a mixture of joy for them, if I know where they are going, jealousy because a part of me longs to go there too, and grief because this world would have been better with them here, so I usually assume. In the book, Davy is very ill and expected to die. A wonderful person, full of love and life, making a difference in her world. Here is where the revelation came: “A year before her death she offered up her life for me, for the fulfillment of my soul. If I could cease to be jealous of God only through her death, if the love we both loved could only be saved through her death, if I would turn my eyes toward the Eternal Fountain only through her death, is it unlikely that her offering up was accepted?”

Now, I am not claiming to know the mystery of His sovereignty or why certain things happen, but this really got me thinking: Is this what Jesus meant when he said “greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends,”? Is it possible that by His sovereignty He allows those who have set their hearts on things above and who have resolved to let His will be done no matter what, be taken? I wouldn’t call this my belief, but it is a sort of comfort. Van thought the same, in struggling with the death of his wife and closest friend. God’s ways are truly higher than our ways. We think of physical death as such an enemy when really it is our greatest victory.

I have been thinking about eternity lately. Well, trying to think about eternity. Try it sometime, it’s quite difficult. Yet it is our infallible hope. I agree with Van, “Heaven itself would be-- must be-- a coming home.” This place, or existence, that we cannot begin to comprehend is the force behind everything we do, isn’t it? It’s not merely a destination, but more like a lifestyle lived so that others will desire it too. I think about it when I stare at the clouds. Today they were so big and all different shades, and there was this massive opening in the middle. I used to think that was like God peering down on us, when in all reality He was not so much in those clouds as He is in my very soul. It really changes your life when you start taking the time to reflect on things of heaven. It has been one of the most joyous parts of this time in my life. That & plenty of books to read J

So I’m left with a smile and a few tears, a little more understanding of all those rigid intellectuals (who ironically are probably feeling sorry for us rigid Christians), and a lot more in love with Him, the Chaser of hearts.

From eternity to eternity, He is God. And in every season, we have a reason to worship.

“This darling love shall deepen year by year,

And deeper shall we grow who are so dear.”

Nothing less. Nothing more. Nothing else.

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Wow. Does anyone else out there have times in their life when you know, by obvious hints, that God wants you to get something? There is so much that is coming full circle for me. It's so wonderful, but I still have yet to know what He is doing with it. In my last post I mentioned William Wilberforce. Well, since that post, there have been 3 more encounters with him, and in very random, every day places. I think we brush off a lot of things as coincidence, but this seems different. I'm fairly positive that He's trying to get my attention. He's been reinforcing certain truths through other people, bringing things to remembrance, stirring my heart in violent ways.

I just finished this recent book, The Vow. Have I already recommended it to you? Because I'm saying it again. It's a scary thing to get excited about, this whole vowing practice. The beginning quote represents it well. I was thrilled to discover something familiar. Ed, the author, mentions Richard Foster several times. Mr. Foster wrote a book that really propelled me further in my love for God-- it's called Celebration of Discipline. It doesn't sound very fun, but that's kind of the point. And that's a major point of The Vow, too. Becoming everything God wants you to be won't always be fun. It definitely isn't easy. We all screw it up every now and then. But it's our purpose. It's why we are here.

Personally, as I have told you before, I'm at a crossroads type place right now. It seems like doors are flinging open left and right, but I have yet to know which one to take. Or, for that matter, whether I should move at all. For those of you who know me well, I'm not one to sit still and wait. I can be a patient person in certain circumstances, but when it comes to "my" life, I don't like having to wait on instructions so much. For a season, ok, I can handle that. But it's been a while. Maybe not on God's wristwatch, but on mine, Oh goodness! Why am I still here? Totally not the right question to ask. It's just how I feel most of the time. And I know because that question (more like a whine) still rises up in me, it means that I'm not ready to move on. Ooh, that one hurt to write.

I've come to realize that if I want more I must do more, not just for the fact of doing something, but because we really can DO certain things to position ourselves closer to God. These things are mostly referred to disciplines. One of these disciplines being, taking a vow. As I've said before, this is a very serious matter. Ed explains it very well. It is better not to make a promise if you cannot keep your promise. What really struck me was when he said that we are fooled by intention. We so often think that if we intended to do something good, it counts for something, when in reality it's our action that changes the world and nothing less. Ed dedicated a whole chapter to showing how our wills have been corrupted, and honestly, we can't will to do anything godly. But that's the whole point of making Jesus our Lord-- He redeemed our wills for us by living a spotless life and dying our sinful death. We are able to take on His will and let Him lead us in a surrendered life. Unfortunately, our wills never go away. We must daily crucify them, which goes back to the fact that this isn't always fun. It's when we get a taste of who He really is, and when we get a glimpse of who we were created to be, that helps us push past what our self wants to do and keep running after everything He has for us.

I love this: "Vowing imitates the ancient warriors who burned their ships when they landed on the shores of lands they were to conquer. This act eliminated even the temptation to turn back from what they had determined to do."

What a vivid picture. I can remember reading the verse in Hebrews that says, "For our God is an all-consuming fire," and wondering what that meant. I think Kim Walker just sang a great example: Here is my heart, You can have it all. If you invite Him in, be prepared to let Him set fire to everything you've ever known. I think this is meant to put a little bit of healthy fear into us. God is not a commodity. He is God. He is holy. How often I am ashamed because I assume that He is here to make my life better. I'm so thankful that His grace is greater. His love isn't based on the actions of those He loves.

Ed also wrote that Jesus had followers on various levels-- He had the massive crowds, He had his group of disciples, and He had his three. I agree with him; we are the ones who choose how close to Jesus we want to be. Do we want to just hear His teachings and casually go on with our lives? Or maybe we want to go a bit further and follow Him around here and there, helping Him serve others and actually listening and taking to heart what He says. My desire is to be like Peter, James, and John who were somehow the closest ones to Jesus. It cost them a lot. But look at their gain! It was not money or power or fame; it was persecution, poverty, and a deep, intimate friendship with the Savior of the world. And they shaped history.

"Causal Christ-followers get to heaven, no doubt about it, but they don't get to change the world. Changing the world demands that people live differently."

"I think the Christian is supposed to long for a better world-- one that God imagines. And we start by living better ourselves."

I'm going to have to start making a lot of changes in my life. I want to be used of God. I know (by personal experience) that He can use us no matter what, but I want to be intentional about my love for God. I don't just want to consume His grace, I want to live graciously. I want to be a vessel of the virtues that He is willing to funnel through me. I must pour contempt on all my pride. I must choose to follow through. I will not be satisfied with anything ordinary. My desire is He & He alone.

All-consuming fire, You're my heart's desire.

Living flame of love, come baptize me.

Let me fall more in love with You.

Don't relent until You have it all.

Yes, You can have it all...

Why not?

“Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream of things that never were and say, why not.”

-Robert F. Kennedy

What was so special about Jesus’ compassion? What did He have that most of us lack? The action that true compassion should draw out from within us. How did He do it? Maybe this is incorrect theology, but I think we focus too much on the fact that He was God as well as human. That has been used as an excuse for centuries while people have stood by, justifying their lack of justice because well, to be honest, they just aren’t as just as God. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but if you were born after the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ and you’ve opened your heart to Him, you now have God in your very being. I’ve often wondered if it’s blasphemous to imagine that we, in a way, are very much like Jesus. No, we weren’t chosen to be born of a virgin and save the world, but we can be one with the Father just as He is one with the Father. Is it so wrong to think such a thing? My point is that I desire to change the world. It has already been saved, but there is always room for change. I want to be it. I want more than a deep sorrow. I want a loud voice. I want a courageous heart. I want helping hands and blistered feet. I want purposeful passion, directed action, and motioned compassion.

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I tend to have this outrageous portion of empathy. It’s hard for me to go into hospitals because I imagine having the pains and diseases. If I am praying for someone’s situation, I usually weep like it’s my own. If I hear about an accident or tragedy, my heart aches as I imagine… “What if that was me?” For some reason, I think that was Jesus’ mindset. Several times he told his disciples that he was going to die, so maybe He constantly acted on His merciful feelings because He knew He would physically, emotionally, even spiritually, be in the same despair and hurt as the people He touched. Maybe His focus was more than that question. Maybe He took it a step further and said, “This will be me.” Maybe He saw a piece of Himself in the searching eyes of the lost, just as we are to see Him there. Maybe in order to be the change we wish to see in this world, we need to add some empathy and understanding to our compassion, mix that with a lot of Holy Spirit power and reliance on His guidance, and WHAM!

I watched the movie Amazing Grace tonight. I’m so in awe by the message it preaches-- that all men are favored and loved in God’s eyes, and that it is our responsibility to protect this truth and fight for this truth. I loved the scene when William Wilberforce, the main character & real life abolitionist, is not sure how to best live out the passion God gave him. A fellow abolitionist asks him whether he wants to be a man of God or a politician who defends the rights of the slaves. He says he isn’t quite sure, and this fellow replies something along the lines of, I dare to think you can do both. Today I dare to believe the same. Even more than that, the people of God ARE to be the change in the world. It doesn’t always happen that way, but we are intended to be & created to be. Whatever your passion may be, discover it and then pursue it. I really think that if everyone stopped trying to be who they think they want to be and started being who they were created to be and are equipped to be, then we would be changing the world more drastically. I have a passion for the helpless-- the children, the abused women, those in bondage. I am seeing more & more every day that I can do something with this passion in so many different ways: spending time at the Elementary school, researching and being trained in human trafficking, taking time to actually talk to people and get to know them, reaching out to foreigners and helping them feel welcome. And those are just to name a few! Seek & ye shall find; ask & the answer will be given; knock & the door will be opened. What will you do with your life? What will you let HIM do with your life?

I feel like I have a small sight of the huge vision of what the Body of Christ could be and should be-- a family with many different personalities, accents, and styles humbly loving God and loving everyone else, choosing to lose their own dreams and desires so they may gain a higher and better agenda, becoming servants of all, learning from each other and working together to bring everything that is good from heaven to earth through every single action, word, & thought, showing grace when it is undeserved, caring more about the cares of others than their own needs, living lives that dramatically clash with and stand apart from the typical and normal, with no regard for who has the most people in attendance or the fullest bank account or who gets the credit.

Let’s be who we are made to be. The rest is up to God.

“If the Lord be with us, we have no cause of fear.

His eye is upon us.

His arm over us.

His ear open to our prayer.

His grace sufficient.

His promise unchangeable.”

-John Newton

the sound of a heartbeat.

Sometimes I wish you could see straight into my heart. Sometimes I don't, because there is still a lot of ugly stuff in there. But tonight... I really wish you could. I wish I could. I wish I could push past this mind and everything that these earthly eyes prohibit me from seeing. When I feel the way I feel right now, I want to see what it looks like. I want to see the brightness of my spirit as it is filled once again with love and joy and grace. Maybe it's like how Mack sees in the book The Shack-- all of creation so alive and colorful and beautiful, bursting with the glory of God, shining like the dawn. It's so wonderful when my lonely, thirsty heart meets my loving, all-sufficient Father. What a beautiful exchange.

Tonight, words will have to suffice, I suppose. Through this book, The Vow, I'm being reminded of the wonder of my First Love. With favorite truths of mine like, "In Him we live and move and have our being," and "Delight yourself in the Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart," I am reminded of the mysterious, amazing experiences of having Him transform the very depths of me throughout this lifetime of mine. I'm getting a little nostalgic here, but I'm a very sentimental person, especially in the ways of God. I have been thinking a lot lately about these profound encounters with Him... how my life is in a constant whirlwind of change and pattern of growth. In the sweet words of Mother Teresa, "Beautiful are the ways of God if we allow Him to use us as He wants." May we each continue on this journey with that as our daily prayer: take this life & let it be fully pleasing unto Thee.

Love. It's been the biggest challenge of my life as of yet, and will continue to be, I am sure. In a culture so obsessed with romantic love, it's easy to forget what real love is. Unless you know Him. I feel like I'm constantly smacked back into reality. Love is messy. Really messy. Love is so selfless. Love is basically everything I am not. This chapter is about love and the divine connection between marriage and our individual relationship with God. There are several main reasons the author lists for how these two worlds of love are united, and intermixed is the practice of vows: (I'm going to skip the quotation marks-- most of this is from the book.)

1. Vows speak of exclusivity. Romantic love is exclusive love. Only two should be in on this. In the same way, God says, You shall have no other gods. He wants to be ours & wants us to be His. He's a fiercely jealous lover. In vowing to Him, we put action to the idea that we are going to live in a way that expresses we belong to God alone.

2. Vows are a kind of flirting. Flirting is all about the chase. A man named Francis Thompson referred to God as the "Holy Hound of Heaven"-- God's love being similar to that of a bloodhound, tracking us down into the corridors of our lives to capture us with His relentless love. God chases us, and He shows no pause or caution in it. Think of all the times in your life when something happened or was said and it just seemed too coincidental-- you suspected that God was in it. Those moments are like winks from God to us. He flirts. I think vow-making is one of the ways we can chase God in return. What if we changed our perspective on spiritual disciplines and commands from doing them because He says so to actually pursuing His heart? From fasting to praying to daily times spent in His Word, we can start seeing these as opportunities to receive His love and give Him love in return. Personally, I love turning normal everyday things into gifts from God. It really adds beauty and poetry to your life. For example, when I take my dog out to pee (very mundane thing to do) I like to stop and stare at the water, thanking Him for this day and everything He has given me. Sometimes a dolphin will swim by and I think, Oh how He delights in me! Even a thing so simple as that brings me so much joy when I accept it as more than a coincidence. He is passionately and fervently after my heart. And I want to be just as much after His.

3. Vows foster passion. In marriage, the man and the woman both want to be adored, to have someone long for them with "blazing fire". Fire is a great metaphor because it is both fascinating and dangerous. Just sit by a blazing campfire and try to look elsewhere-- it is too fascinating to ignore. Fire is also dangerous because it consumes and control what it possesses. Passion does that, too. The fire that burns in romantic love is a reflection of the kind of passion we need to cultivate in our relationship with God. He certainly is passionate about us. He was passionate enough to go to a Cross. He was consumed by His love for us. We should be on fire for Him.

4. Vows create anticipation. God anticipates our presence. He is always present. He is ready to engage. He waits for us to answer. Vows anticipate God's touch-- we wait on Him to speak into our lives and our world. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." It takes patience because we have to work through distractions. Distraction is normal, but must be overcome. Turn from it to look for God; this is spiritual purification. It is letting go and unloading anything that distracts you from your Lover. We are the ones who must make room for God.

5. Vows bring us together. Our worship to God often gets very physical-- sometimes we kneel, fall face down, lift our hands, cover our faces, lift our voices in song, or utter prayers. We are reaching out to touch Him. We love Him. At some point, you come to a place where you can feel Him touching back. You are aware of His real presence. You feel Him. Sometimes you feel Him whisper, but often there are no words. His presence seems to deeply impact you in a moment of intimacy. Just as a couple maritally vows into physical intimacy, we can vow to give ourselves completely to Him. We vow to know and be known. This is a place of union with God. Christianity is all about God creating new motivations within the human heart-- stirring us, giving us desire. Divine stirring produces in us a desire to engage with God. This is where our love for Him begins to move beyond intellect & our souls begin to share in divine life. We come together.

I hope this wasn't too much? I actually got a lot more from this when I read it the first time. I think I tend to take away from the specialness of some things when I blog about them. I just want everyone to know what I'm learning about! And I pray that in some way, shape, or form God is using my life-lessons to teach you, too. I am so very passionate about this subject. Call it consecration, sanctification, or pure insanity, whatever you wish, but I think this focus of heart towards God is missing from the Church. We're either too in-love with the world or too in-love with other people to realize that this amazing Person has more love and purpose and life for us than anything we could ever imagine. I never want to stray away from this conviction of mine to be His and His alone.

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart;

High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art.