sit long.

Thank you for Your death and resurrection

Thank you for the power of Your blood

and I am overwhelmed by Your affection

the kindness and greatness of Your love.

Jesus, You make all things new.

-Bran & Katie Torwalt-

I've started one of my top resolutions of taking time every day to write about my life here & now. Yesterday's blurb consisted of a question I could not get out of my head: What is good? I remember being challenged in my last YWAM school about how suffering is considered good in the Bible. Jesus said it. Paul said it. James said it. Peter did, too. It's a theme of the New Testament. And it's called good. Beneficial. So why do I label things good only when they make me happy? That's not what "good" really means...

[ Hmmm, I wonder what good is. It's not usually how I would define it. I define good as feeling happy. Being healthy. Life is easy. No frustration. No sorrow. All laughs and no pain. But that's not good. That's fake. And I don't want a fake life. ]

Anything that brings us closer to the Father is good. And most of the time, those aren't the things that make us feel like everything is right in the world. Or with ourselves. Because the truth is: it's not right! We're not alright. We need Him so much more, each and every day. When I wrote "fake" I was also thinking "fleeting." I was thinking about how most of life is extremely hard, yet we go on with a smile trying to convince everyone that it's ok. For some reason, I can't do that. My heart gets to a point of such overload and exhaustion and it's hard for me to function. I am overwhelmed, truthfully. I don't have it together, and I don't have to. I make mistakes. I sin. And I am covered in love and grace. But His grace is not cheap. I want to go back to the place of daily putting myself at His feet, asking Him to transform my life. I have pretended that it's fine to avoid doing that, and I feel so removed from His presence. The phrase that comes to mind is "sit long." We are SO distracted, wanting results so quickly, and that's not how this thing works. Sometimes we must patiently wait with Him, just be with Him, while He restores, removes, replaces and redefines us.

There is always a way back. There is constant renewal available to us. But what does it take to sit determinably at His feet until we get what we want, or better yet, what He wants to give us?

I have this song on repeat: Nothing Holding Me Back by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. When I don't understand, I get to choose Him. And He brings peace to me. I take You at Your word, Father. You are for me. And You makes all things new.

God, I look to You. Give me vision to see things like You do.