Be not // Yet be

Malleable:

capable of being extended or shaped by hammering or by pressure; adaptable; able to be pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking; easily influenced

I think most of us would agree that there are two opposing sides of morality in this world. A lot of things float around in the middle, where we aren't certain if they can be labeled as right or wrong, but I believe most of us know the lines. We not only know them; we often jump up and over and in between them.

It's the purposeful tension of life: who do you want to be? and do you know what it will take to get there?

There's a flip side that we cannot forget about. Our guidelines do not end at "be not conformed." They then pick up at "yet be renewed."

It would almost be easier to try not to conform to anything (though I think that's impossible considering our world and our nature as people) rather than finish the sentence and move towards life change. Towards purpose.

I don't like to use the word "required" but I think it is legit here. It is required of us to intentionally turn from one behavior to another, from one attitude to another, from one belief to another, if we have a higher vision or goal. Even in practical ways. If I want to save money I must choose not to spend it. If I want a cuter butt, I have to start taking the stairs. If I want to be Jesus to people, I must deny myself, spend my time, let Him fill my heart, focus my thoughts... in other not-so-happy words, I need to understand that it's not about me.

I want to be malleable in this sense. To be shaped from one person into another. To not crack under this transformative pressure. To keep up the pace even when I've messed up.

Our message on Sunday night was about our gifts and how in using our gifts, the transformation process is brought full circle. There are personal ways we can better ourselves, or however you want to say it. But truly, in giving yourself for others, you gain so much more.

You provide the fire & I'll provide the sacrifice.

You provide the Spirit & I will open up inside.

Fill me up, God.

map out your future, but do it in pencil

"Who knows where this path will take us, but let's go forth... because it may lead us somewhere vast and amazing."

{FreyaArt}

I was reflecting this morning as I drove down Minnesota streets in 22 degrees.

I am here. Who would've thought.

This place is already so familiar to me. It's been five, almost six, months. Yet it feels like a lifetime. Maybe that's a loving hint that I'm exactly where I need to be.

Sometimes it suddenly occurs to me how strange it is that I am where I am, wherever that may be. I've tried to envision this time in my life for years now... never would have pictured it this way. But that's how it has been for a while now: so many wonderful surprises.

I don't want to cease going. I want to keep pushing myself into change. Into the perilous and chancy things.

I hope He keeps me there.

Some have encouraged me that I've gone too much & too far to ever do differently. But I think we all can easily fall prey to whatever numbs and immobilizes us. We get stuck, and we choose to settle into the mire.

Let me remind you [and me] :

"Be alert, be present.

I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out!

Don't you see it?"

Is.43:16

catching up

This past week was insane in the membrane. I had so much fun! And subsequently am still semi-exhausted from all of the events. Our Tuesday night "Yay Kip quit his job and got a new one right after!" party was a hit and lasted well into the weeknight. Loved it. And Wednesday brought us The Civil Wars and this spectacular group called Milo Greene. I was enthralled, mesmerized, totally smitten with that night of music [ & sitting next to this really cute boy].

Working til Friday afternoon and then rushing over to a candlelight yoga class [which benefited IJM] was also great and left me a bit sore. The weekend was recovery time.

I did something on Saturday that made me even more thrilled about going home for the holidays:

after demolishing a grapefruit, I cut it up, threw in some cinnamon sticks with a pot of water and indulged in the wonderful smells of my mom's Fall concoction. I will be smelling that in my sweet little southern home soon. Happy heart.

It's the little things.

Just wasting time... ?

Exciting weekend, we had. Geocaching, leather jackets, burger drive-ins, wooded adventures, and Parenthood marathons. We also watched the movie In Time [yes, mainly because JT is the lead actor] and it spurred a good convo.

The plot of the movie in and of itself is interesting-- it's like a Robin Hood meets weird, futuristic society. Time is the currency of the world, and people are separated into time zones, either limiting the time they are given or allowing for excess. Basically, it's a mirror of the injustice of our reality: the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. The larger theme was immortality-- that men crave it but none of us were meant to live forever. I recommend you watch it! There was, of course, unnecessary violence because JT needed to be really hardcore, but I could handle it so I'm sure you can, too.

It got me thinking...

why do we as humans feel like we waste time? Or that there is some ultimate goal we must fight to achieve? This is a constant battle of my mindset: that every moment is significant, no matter what. I try so hard but have yet to truly believe that. I understand that there are things I can do to better myself, the people around me, my world, and I want to be responsible with what I've been given: energy, resources, mercy. Time. I, however, just as much need to be content and enjoy my life as it is.

So how do we balance this? Life is short; we are but a breath. How do we resolve to make a difference and simultaneously rest in mundane significance?

One of the many questions.

For my sermon sharing Monday:

Greg Boyd finished his series on Hearing God's Voice. He recapped the last 3 weeks and mainly enforced the fact that if we are too involved in our own schedules, agendas, etc., then we won't have the ears to hear His quiet, still voice or feel His soft nudges on our hearts. And that if we are constantly over-thinking those times we think He might be communicating with us (whether it's really our voices or His) then we'll miss the moment. All we should ask is if what we feel we should do will help someone else, and then just do it. The worst thing that could happen is you do something nice for someone else. :)

Refreshing.

Small group time was spent discussing our unique gifts/ passions/ strengths and formulating ideas on how to implement those more in our daily lives. I really enjoyed reflecting on the past seasons of my life-- each of my strengths has been highlighted and used in different ways, totally not purposeful on my part (since I didn't really know what my strengths were!) Cool thing. Gives me renewed peace that He is weaving my life into something beautiful, especially when I'm completely unaware.

So we were challenged to make space for specific uses of our gifts, and to keep each other encouraged and accountable to what we want to do. They are all such wonderful women. I am in awe of the greatness in our community. I do love friends, don't you?!

shake it out

Another favorite song.

Shake it out, shake it out

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

so shake him off.

I'm done with my graceless heart.

Shake it out, shake it out.

begin again

I need to restart.

& most gratefully, I will accept His new mercies for me today.

I am realizing a lack of creativity in my life. Lack of motivation. Lack of being true to myself and who I am called to be. Lack of love for others, and love for myself.

I have a passion for learning and exploration, of giving of myself and serving more than receiving.

These things haven't been happening much.

Change needs to occur. Ideas need to be formulated. Vision sparked and goals determined.

I've lately been more tense and controlling than I prefer. Kip's area of employment has not allowed for much planning, and often postponed plans that were made, which if you know anything about me, is the exact opposite of my personality. I get pleasure and purpose from making a plan and sticking to it. It's been a tough couple of months... resulting in frustration with situations that are completely out of my control, and depression because the one I want to spend time with the most is mostly not here.

I have to constantly adjust my attitude about life and ask, "are you really willing to grow, no matter what the cost or how uncomfortable it makes you?"

Fortunately the growing processes of life will never cease, if I remain open to them. It's just always harder than I imagined! [or prepared for]

But there is good news: his last day is THIS WEEK. Along with cold weather will also come freer schedules and more time together. mmmmmmm.

So, here in my thinking space, I'm going to imagine what can make our relationship lighter, fuller, more "us."

I am somewhat [haha] of a realist which seems to keep me grounded in a good way. Relationships are hard, no matter what kind they are or who they are shared with. Communication is key-- more than I wish it was. And physical separation is difficult-- whether it's being too close or being too far.

I'd like to hope that imagination and creativity, paired with more understanding/adjusting of how we desire to share/receive love, and a little [or huge] side of fruit [self-control fruit, that is] will keep us centered and well-balanced and much, much happier people.

Here are some extra thoughts on how we could begin again:

• taking turns to plan dates-- learning and keeping in mind what the other enjoys most
• cheerfully allowing for bro time and babe time with others
• intentionally pursuing time with couples who are inspirational and wise [and fun!]
• firmly and respectfully maintaining healthy boundaries
• creating together. [Stumbleupon has some great art ideas!]
• engaging in meaningful & deep conversations often, as well as taking time to talk about silly things. Maybe even using weird accents.
• grace, grace, grace.
• Patience, patience, patience.
• asking the hard questions and being willing to give honest answers
• praying for & encouraging each other
• practicing selflessness
• trying new things
• pursuing ways to be involved in this place at this time

Any advice from you out there would be appreciated as well. :)

May our gracious God continually teach us how to live by His will,

to live in love.

And to fervently pursue His heart

for He is relentlessly pursuing ours.