Strategic Nonstructure

"Know who you are and use what He has given you to speak to the world."

--The New Rebellion Handbook

I'm pondering the meaning of my life tonight, and I'm going to let you listen. Today was a great day for me: I was able to work, get paid, chit-chat with friends, eat, relax, etc. I came home with new groceries and made myself a delightful sandwich along with some coffee. Then I turned on the television, hoping to find a nice movie. Maybe a romantic comedy. Yes, that would be nice. Those always make me feel better. I did not find one of those movies, however. I stumbled upon one titled Human Trafficking. And now, with bitten down nails and random bursts of tears, I am sitting here wondering why I'm living the life I'm able to live. God's grace? God's purpose? But why are millions of people right now this very second being abused, starved, sold, and neglected? Why am I not one of them? This question haunts me, when I let it. When I'm not being distracted by my wonderful little life. I am not saying this out of bitterness or anger (ok, maybe a little bit of anger), but with a broken heart and a desire to not just be wasting away in a nice house surrounded by nice things, doing whatever I want to do with the time allotted to me on this earth.

Which brings me to why I need to stop and consider a few things. What do I love? What do I hate? What do I think would be a worthy cause to give my life for? Unfortunately (or maybe not) I do not get to choose how long I will live. I do in some ways, but you know what I mean. So how can I be intentional about my life? How can I live blamelessly before my God, doing everything I can where I am to serve Him and be a physical embodiment of His love? What do I want to be as I grow up and grow old? Are my desires for my life righteous and just, or self-serving and meaningless? I have a lot to think about... I won't bother you with the entire extent of it.

I mainly wanted to make a list. I'm often asked the question of what I like to do or what I want to be doing one day, and my answers are less than satisfactory. Either I have too much to say, or I don't have anything to say at all. Let's hope I can organize my thoughts & heart a little bit tonight.

• Loves:

Children. Worship. Nature. Writing. Cleanliness. Flowers. Sharing my heart with others. Reading. Giving things away. Hospitality. Relationships. Music. Intercession. Traveling. Graphic art. Decorating. Tea and Coffee. Meeting the physical needs of others. Researching & learning. Laughter. Seeing people experience the love of the Father.

There are so many directions I could take between those things. I could write books. I could work with/ create a non-profit organization. I could move to Africa and teach children. And adopt children. :)

I could open and run a home for rescued girls. I could travel the world and document about the horrible and the amazing things, and help to open the eyes of the ignorant. I could become a nurse or a doctor and allow the underprivileged a better life. I could work in a coffee shop, serving it with a smile and the love of Christ.

And/Or... I could choose to live every single day with the conviction in my heart that God is bigger, this world is not my home, my identity is not found in what I do but Whose I am, every single person I meet and talk with needs to know how beautiful and awesome my Jesus really is, that I need never to forget to pray for those who suffer and are in need all over my world, and that changing my world for the better is just one person away.

"The real danger in all this, and the potential danger in your life, is that the circumstances in your life begin to define who you are. Instead, who you are needs to define what you do in life... Whatever the cause, there are few things more tragic than leading a 'normal life.'"

When are the moments that you feel most alive? I have to think about that as well. I would say that when I am the happiest or feeling the most joy, but honestly, I think it's the pain more than the joy. Because without the pain there would be no realization of joy. When my heart is aching like it is tonight, for all those precious people living in such darkness... I am so aware of life and what makes it worth living. And I want to fight for that.

So here I am, living a life of strategic nonstructure, waiting on the Lord and for His strength, seeking to please Him always, wandering but never lost.

I'm going to continue my pondering session alone. Thanks for listening in. Pray for me-- that I would not be so blind with privilege & that I may continue to have the courage to follow Him with each step I take. I will pray the same for you, too.