further still.

Good news: new book! Beth Moore. Mmm. She is quite a poet. One who encourages, inspires, and challenges me much like my friend Donald. I'm going to share one of her writings with you-- it spoke so deeply to my heart. Even the title, Further Still, speaks deeply to me right now. I just got back from walking my dog. My dear, sweet, extremely rebellious & apparently deaf dog. I'm a fool for letting her off of her leash. It has been a little bit strange how much God has used her to bring further revelation into the ways of my own wandering heart. She even left us to go live with a man down the street. I haven't gone THAT far, but I wouldn't put it past myself. I adore Beth's words, which are now part of my "About Me" section: I have no idea why in this world God has risked His name on someone like me. I've thought about dedicating an entire entry to the lessons that have come from Him via Milly Lyerla. Maybe one day soon.

Tonight, the subject is love. The unwilling participant-- me. Today I envisioned my heart as a big chunk of meat. And Jesus is holding a meat tenderizer. And I am scared. Who wouldn't be? With every fall and bang of His hand, I am stripped away, leveled out, molded into something I've never been before. Even though I know the me on the other side will be a million times better, healthier, even happier, it does not seem to be a comfort. I want to hold on to my pride, my judgements, my insecurities. And I have no idea why. Because that's who I've become, who I'm used to? Possibly. I am a fearer of the unknown and the unconquered. If only I would leave this shore, dive into these deep waters, and sink in His grace. I feel like I'm there at times. In the next moment, I can feel so far.

Does anyone else compartmentalize their faith? Lately I've been trying to justify certain thoughts and feelings about other people, and that justification comes through the idea that because I have come "so far" in my journey with Him & have given up this or given away that, I am in a great place with Him while these other people are not. And my heart stings with the reality that I am not truly and wholly loving Jesus if I am not truly and wholly loving them. I come up with many excuses, none of them able to stand against the Cross and the love He has asked me to emulate. No matter how "deep" my love for Him is, if it is not being righteously and unselfishly lived out, it is not holy. It is not pure. It is not from Him.

We are all on this journey. And we must all go further still.

"O God, who frees the captive,

do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake,

for I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land.

Break, instead, each evil bond

and rub my swollen wrists

then take me prisoner to Your will

enslaved in Your safekeeping.

O God, who ushers light into the darkness,

do not release me to the light to only see myself.

Cast the light of my liberation upon Your face

and be Thou my vision.

Do not hand me over to the quest of greater knowledge.

Make Your Word a lamp unto my feet & a light unto my path

and lead me to Your dwelling.

O God, who lifts the grieving head,

blow away the ashes

but let Your gentle hand upon my brow be my only crown of beauty.

Comfort me so deeply, my Healer,

that I seek no other comfort.

O God, who loves the human soul too much to let it go,

so thoroughly impose Yourself into the heaps and depths of my life

that nothing remains undisturbed.

Plow this life, Lord, until everything You overturn

becomes a fertile soil.

Then plant me, O God, in the vast plain of Your love.

Grow me, strengthen me, and do not lift Your pressing hand

until it can boastfully unveil

a display of Your splendor.

-Beth Moore-