Richer for the find

Many of you know, either by personal experience or by me telling you, about one of the greatest treasures in Foley, Alabama. The $5 Christian Bookstore!! Each time I venture there, I have at least 5 books in my arms in the first 5 minutes. I questioned my motives the other day, wondering why I long to read so much but have yet to couple my Christian book-reading with the Word of God. I accept that conviction, and plan to change that from now on, but also felt justified in my desire to learn more about specific things that the Bible doesn't expound upon. Some will say that because it is not thoroughly talked about, it shouldn't be, but with certain subjects I must disagree. This blog is about one of those subjects.

Read my blogs from a month or so ago and you'll find several entries about Mother Teresa. I found a very special book about her life in my beloved bookstore, and was so much richer for the find. In reading her letters and personal writings, she spoke very regularly & seriously about a practice of her faith: vow-making. This intrigued me. I was learning this woman's heart, longing for such desperation and deliberate love, and this concept kept haunting me. Not surprisingly, on my next visit to my bookstore, there was a book that caught my eye and made my heart skip a beat. The Vow, How a Forgotten Ancient Practice Can Transform Your Life. It stuck out like a sore thumb from its surroundings. I practically lunged for it. Could it be that He wanted me to learn more and possibly even make this a part of my life with Him? I was a little bit nervous.

The book sat on my shelf for weeks. I wasn't finished with Mother Teresa's, so I put off starting another one until I was. Well, the other night I felt the urge to pick it up. I wasn't too tired, and to be honest wasn't expecting too much, so I decided to read the first chapter before bed. WOAH. God's timing is impeccable. I can't even explain (I kind of have through my last year of blogging!) what all He has done in me. Ywam transformed my life, but not in the way that He has the past two years. My love for Him has become so singularly focussed-- my heart not wanting to go anywhere unless He is right there with me, my mind choosing to seek and trust Him when it seems so irrational. And this book is taking me deeper still. Let me share it with you:

"I want to love God more than I do. I want to love God enough to be willing to do what saints who have gone before me have done: to be willing to give all my possessions to the poor and follow Jesus; to be stoned, or sawn in two, or slain by the sword; to be willing to wander about in sheepskins and goatskins; to be destitute, afflicted, tormented; to be willing to go to a foreign country and live among the poorest of the poor like Mother Teresa; and so on. God hasn't asked me to do such things, but I want to be at a place in my soul where He knows (and I know) that if He should, there would be a resounding yes in me. I'm not talking about ordinary faith here. Nor am I talking about something that is required. I'm talking about loving God in unnecessary, unrequired ways... there is plenty of room for believers to love God extra-- room for us to be caught up in an infatuation with the holy."

"Vows are evidence of a desire to follow Jesus without reservation. They are choices that eliminate others-- pre-decisions that symbolize the direction that will ground one's entire life. And they open the door to divine adventure."

"Vows can vary in duration from a single afternoon to a particular season to one's entire lifetime. All in all, vows help us to intentionally embrace anything we feel the Holy Spirit may be nudging us toward in view of bringing God's kingdom to bear in our world."

"This whole writing is for those of us who do less well, who have unimpressive powers-- hardly super-- yet still want to change the world. I want to give us permission to stop with the gaudy costumes and fake accents and to start living authentic lives."

"In vowing, faith becomes more than a vague feeling of loving God and desiring to help people. Though we still participate in general responsibilities of the Christian faith common to all believers, vowing helps us to intentionally love God the way we want to love Him... vows serve as a kind of love language between just God and us."

That is only from the first couple chapters. I will probably blog more about it as I read. I'm actually still a little freaked out by it, probably because of my ignorance. I am excited, however, to embark on a new journey of the heart. It really has been my desire for the last while to love God more, especially in ways that are unique to how He has made me. I think about M. Teresa's lifetime vow that she took which was to "deny Him nothing." That vow enveloped every area of her life. I have no idea what I could offer Him. But that is part of it-- that we do nothing apart from Him. He'll show me the way.

"Give me the courage

to withhold nothing from You

worthy of a lesson.

Your Word as my text,

each circumstance Your pen,

my heart as Your page."

I'm quite taken with You.

It is a dark and dreary day, a storm is raging, it's the middle of May. I woke up early with anticipation for this Sunday. Walking in, I see the bright, smiling, familiar faces. Though it's still early, I can't help but smile, too. Their joy is infectious; such is the heart of a true servant. And that they are. The lights dim, the band members shuffle, preparing for their King. Here we go, let's go to the Throne, the place where we belong. My heart flutters as I recognize the beginning of each song. Oh, I love to praise Him! My hands go up and down, my voice starting and stopping with each verse. Small words for such a Great God. I suddenly feel so small, yet so significant, as I remember my Savior broken for me. Everything to Him I owe.

I greet more familiar faces, hug a few friendly necks, and prepare my heart for His Word. This mysterious, life-giving Word. There's my pastor, a co-shepherd of this flock, with his tired eyes and big heart. His words sink deep, calling to my memory friends who need this encouragement, and my actions that need to be corrected. "Settle for nothing less than God's best," rings in my ears and burns in my heart. We grip hands at the close, exchanging silent prayers. There's something special about sharing the presence of God and the presence of people. I feel lighter when I leave.

The rain has calmed, but not for long. I have an excited, full-bladdered dog awaiting my return home. We walk to the place where I know delicious dewberries hide. Ah, here comes the rain! I can't help but laugh. I like being stuck in it, as long as it cooperates with my schedule. And my wardrobe. I stand under an old oak tree, remembering the days when I used to try and climb it. I feel safe, like I'm protected under the strong, outstretched arms of a loving Father. In Don Miller's words, "Imagine a Being with a mind as big as God's, with feet like trees, and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation." Cherished is the perfect description of how I feel in this moment.

I don't want to go inside just yet. The glory of the rain, the chorus of the frogs, the chill of the breeze, all beckon me to sit and stare. I grab my iPod, searching for a song to help lead me in appreciation, wonder, and worship. "All creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing, O Praise Him! Allelujah!" With the crescendo of the music, the falling rain also increases its volume. I almost had a Beth Moore moment, wanting to act as the great conductor of all this beauty. My feet were soaked in water. My heart was soaked in love. Who am I that You are mindful of me, Lord? You who have made all of this that I see, hear, smell, and feel. Who am I that You would take the time to woo my heart and bring me close again? This amazing Love that keeps on, keeps on, and keeps on giving of Himself, pouring Himself out to me... who am I?

There is nothing greater than knowing that He delights in me as His child. He is taken by me, captivated, as His bride. And finds so much joy and pleasure in sitting down with me, sharing silence & the sound of rain, as His beloved friend.

Just another gorgeous day in the life of me, in the hands of God.

When You look at me, it hits me just like a summer breeze.

My heart is Yours.

Oh Darlin' dance with me.

Everything will be alright.

further still.

Good news: new book! Beth Moore. Mmm. She is quite a poet. One who encourages, inspires, and challenges me much like my friend Donald. I'm going to share one of her writings with you-- it spoke so deeply to my heart. Even the title, Further Still, speaks deeply to me right now. I just got back from walking my dog. My dear, sweet, extremely rebellious & apparently deaf dog. I'm a fool for letting her off of her leash. It has been a little bit strange how much God has used her to bring further revelation into the ways of my own wandering heart. She even left us to go live with a man down the street. I haven't gone THAT far, but I wouldn't put it past myself. I adore Beth's words, which are now part of my "About Me" section: I have no idea why in this world God has risked His name on someone like me. I've thought about dedicating an entire entry to the lessons that have come from Him via Milly Lyerla. Maybe one day soon.

Tonight, the subject is love. The unwilling participant-- me. Today I envisioned my heart as a big chunk of meat. And Jesus is holding a meat tenderizer. And I am scared. Who wouldn't be? With every fall and bang of His hand, I am stripped away, leveled out, molded into something I've never been before. Even though I know the me on the other side will be a million times better, healthier, even happier, it does not seem to be a comfort. I want to hold on to my pride, my judgements, my insecurities. And I have no idea why. Because that's who I've become, who I'm used to? Possibly. I am a fearer of the unknown and the unconquered. If only I would leave this shore, dive into these deep waters, and sink in His grace. I feel like I'm there at times. In the next moment, I can feel so far.

Does anyone else compartmentalize their faith? Lately I've been trying to justify certain thoughts and feelings about other people, and that justification comes through the idea that because I have come "so far" in my journey with Him & have given up this or given away that, I am in a great place with Him while these other people are not. And my heart stings with the reality that I am not truly and wholly loving Jesus if I am not truly and wholly loving them. I come up with many excuses, none of them able to stand against the Cross and the love He has asked me to emulate. No matter how "deep" my love for Him is, if it is not being righteously and unselfishly lived out, it is not holy. It is not pure. It is not from Him.

We are all on this journey. And we must all go further still.

"O God, who frees the captive,

do not liberate this carnal slave for freedom's sake,

for I will surely wing my flight to another thorny land.

Break, instead, each evil bond

and rub my swollen wrists

then take me prisoner to Your will

enslaved in Your safekeeping.

O God, who ushers light into the darkness,

do not release me to the light to only see myself.

Cast the light of my liberation upon Your face

and be Thou my vision.

Do not hand me over to the quest of greater knowledge.

Make Your Word a lamp unto my feet & a light unto my path

and lead me to Your dwelling.

O God, who lifts the grieving head,

blow away the ashes

but let Your gentle hand upon my brow be my only crown of beauty.

Comfort me so deeply, my Healer,

that I seek no other comfort.

O God, who loves the human soul too much to let it go,

so thoroughly impose Yourself into the heaps and depths of my life

that nothing remains undisturbed.

Plow this life, Lord, until everything You overturn

becomes a fertile soil.

Then plant me, O God, in the vast plain of Your love.

Grow me, strengthen me, and do not lift Your pressing hand

until it can boastfully unveil

a display of Your splendor.

-Beth Moore-

My mother's daughter // now & then

Going with the theme of today's holiday, I want to tell you a bit about my mom and how, without a doubt, I am my mother's daughter.

In more ways than I could say, I am thankful for her. I just read a tweet from Don Miller's The Mentoring Project which says, "Grateful for all the mothers who are raising children in their fatherless homes. They are heroes." It is true.

It seems in so many ways we are so different, yet very much the same. Hence we sometimes bring out the worst in each other. It's more than a physical resemblance; it seems that I have picked up on her personality traits, her passions, and her gifts. Someone gave me what I think is one of the most awesome compliments the other day. She said that if anything happens to her, she wants me to take care of her child. I've been told that people would say that exact thing to my mother years ago. I've often told my friends that I feel more prepared to be a mom than to be a wife! It's been my dream job since I was young. I found a picture of me when I was 2-- I'm sitting on a lawn chair with another baby, who is crying & it looks like I'm trying to comfort him. :) I can hardly wait to give my sweet mother the opportunity to be a Grandmother. She will be the best. I hope to eventually develop her strength of character, her trusting heart, her cooking skills, her loving touch, and her green thumb.

I love this passage of scripture, as most women do. It's more than an example to look up to. I believe it is the call on every woman's life-- to live above reproach, with purpose in every word & action.

Proverbs 31:

Speak up for those who have no voice, for the justice of all. Speak up, judge righteously, and defend the cause of the poor and needy... She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will not lack anything good. She works with willing hands. She rises and provides. She is strong. She extends her hands, and her hands reach out to those in need. She is not afraid for her home. She wears fine clothing (had to throw that one in!). Strength and Honor are her clothing & she can laugh at the times to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. Her children rise up and call her Blessed. Her husband also praises her.

Charm is deceptive & beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.

That is quite a list to live by. One of the many reasons why I love being a disciple of Christ: we don't have to strive and stress to be who we desire to be. All we have to do is follow and learn and love Him. The rest seems to just fall into place. Not saying that it's easy, but it is very simple. Abide in Him, and He will abide in us, and He'll finish what He started. We stay close to Him, and He will show us the way. Simple. Like a child. We have so much to learn from them.

We sang How He Loves Us this morning, and I thought back through my life so far, and how much I've changed. Then I looked at the people around me and marveled at how they've changed, too. Either we're all insane, cultish people, or Jesus really is that awesome! And during Your Love Never Fails when we proclaim that He makes all things work together for our good, I was once again amazed at the fact that He doesn't just take away the painful experiences I've been through, but He heals me, and then let's me be a part of the healing of others. Oh, this redeeming love!

This is from Don's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Explains my thoughts exactly:

"These polar charges, these happy and sad things in life, are like colors God uses to draw the world... somehow we realize that great stories are told in conflict, but we are unwilling to embrace the potential greatness of the story we are actually in. We think God is unjust, rather than a Master Storyteller...

If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. If the character hasn't changed, the story hasn't happened yet. And if a story is derived from real life, then life itself may be designed to change us, so that we evolve from one kind of person to another...

Essentially, humans are alive for the purpose of journey... he believed we were designed to search for and find something, and he wondered out loud if the point wasn't the search but the transformation the search creates."

What is your now and then? It's pretty crazy how far I've come in just a few years. Fast-learner, you might say. But I think it has to do more with the depth of desperation I've had for Him, even as a child, though I wouldn't have been able to process it that way at the time. Yet another reason why I love loving Him-- the diversity and creativity of His heart. He can be so many different things for so many different people. For me, He seems to have taken the spot of everything. I wanted to share that tonight in Small Group, who He is to me, but I wouldn't have been able to. The words don't come. It's more like a wave of thankfulness and gratitude that expresses itself through a pool of tears. Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to Him.

Hmph, I seemed to have word-vomited tonight. I have so much in this head and heart of mine. I leave you with tired eyes & these beautiful words...

Who is this King of Glory, that pursues me with His love?

Who is this King of Angels, revealing things of heaven and all it's mysteries?

Who is this King of Glory?

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus.

Lord Almighty, King of my heart, King of glory.

... He's everything to me.

What's in a name?

I'm thinking this will be short tonight. Usually when I think that, I am wrong. Ha! I don't intend to write as much as I sometimes do. I suppose the saying is true-- out of the heart the... hand writes? Err, types.

I received a couple of my long-awaited & anticipated books in the mail today, one of them being The Name Book. My lovely friend Tasha started my obsession for this piece of literature. I love the meaning of names! (Facebook me if you want to know yours!) In the Old Testament (and I guess the New, too) the Jews made a big deal out of the names of their children. In the stories that are coming to my mind, the main reasoning for naming their child what they did was to tell a testimony of what God had done-- like with Hannah and Samuel. Hannah had been earnestly praying & asking the Lord to open her womb. So after a while, He did! And she named her son Samuel, "because I asked the Lord for him," (1Sam 1:20). With the few names of my friends that I've looked up, it totally fits them. They really are their namesake! Now, for some, not so much. But it seems to me like it is a piece of their destiny. That sounds corny, but it honestly gives me hope that it was not just our parents picking out a name that sounded cute. The Bible says that God has always known us, that He is the one who knit us together & brought our very lives into existence. I like this version much better than the whole "we all originated from a form of explosive bacteria," or whatever Darwin believed. I love the thoughtfulness of this huge Person taking the time, effort, and love to form each and every human that ever was or ever will be. If people reject that idea, I am forever confused why. It's so lovely. HE is so lovely.

Back to the subject: This is my name :)

Candice

Inherent meaning: Unblemished

Spiritual Connotation: Shining

Scripture: Isaiah 62:3

"You shall also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God."

Mae

Inherent meaning: Gift of God

Spiritual connotation: Blessed

Scripture: Psalm 92:4

"For You, oh Lord, have made me glad by what You have done. I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands."

Do you think it's a coincidence that my two favorite books of the Bible have always been Psalms and Isaiah?!? Ok, maybe that's taking it too far. But it's true! I think it's so great!

I also wanted to say this, and then I'm done. Today/ tonight was so good. Not because dramatic, awesome things happened, but because God is just so good. After a lovely visit at Foley Elementary, I went by the Peters' house, as usual. I love them, by the way. Later that evening some ladies from a local college got together to learn about Global Child Rescue and how they could possibly get involved. In the middle of the meeting, I had another moment. And I love these kind of moments! It's like everything stops. I'm not thinking about what I need to do, who I need to talk to, or how my hair is so frizzed out from this humidity. I call these my eternity moments. They don't happen too often, but just enough to remind me of what truly matters & that there is a much bigger picture being painted, a much larger puzzle being fit together, than I could ever comprehend. It's hard to explain... but as I listened to these women talk about practical, efficient ways to reach their community, to save the hurting, to better protect our children, I was in awe. It seems so simple, and it really is, how God is carrying out His works through all of us. I just thought to myself, "Wow. You really have it all together, Lord." If that's not enough to amaze you, just think for a second about how he has brought each and every one of us through what we have been through, how we are still here, how we are here in this place, right now, and we are together. It's for a reason, I promise. Because I felt it in that room. It wasn't the heat of a summer's night, or the ache of the popcorn and slushy I previously consumed-- it was a keen awareness that God is God, no one is like Him, and His plans will succeed. His Word will go forth. His righteousness will be lived out. His hope will be passed on. And His love will change the world. My world. My hometown. As the Hillsongers say, We're all in this together. And if we start living out that opportunity, this terrific responsibility, can you just dream with me how great it could all be? Too awesome for words!!!!

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me...

O Lord Your mercy endures forever!

Do not let go of what Your hands have made.

Psalm 138:8

My clingy soul.

I just had a moment. A great one. I don't know what has gotten me so stirred up lately, but I have felt really anxious. For no apparent reason. I keep forgetting things and misplacing things (more often than usual). I'm not busy. Just anxious I guess. So I took a moment... took a deep breath... just sat still and listened to this song-- "In the glory of Your presence, I find rest for my soul. And in the depths of Your love I find peace, makes me whole. I love, I love, I love Your presence." Wow, what a difference that made in me! Be still my soul. He is God. Amen.

I was reading through some Psalms, my favorites, and came upon these verses: "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:3-8

I watched Matt Chandler on TV tonight. If you don't know him, he is a pastor in Dallas. He had a brain tumor and has undergone surgeries and treatments for a while now. It was so powerful to listen to his wife talk about the positive things that have come from this. How she had always seen Matt as her rock, and this totally shook the foundations of her faith & brought her back to the only Rock for her soul. When I read that Psalm, I wondered how much I am trusting people more than God, and how much importance I place on the relationships I have. I was trying to put myself in her situation, and thinking how frightening that would be to see the person you love the most almost lose their life.

I've realized that it's very, VERY hard for me to find a balance in things. I'm not sure what you would call that? Overly passionate? Too radical? I don't feel like a "radical" person, but maybe I am. I've been getting this feeling lately. And I know it well. It's the feeling I feel when I'm not putting Him first, and things or people in my life start to slip away from me. They might not literally be slipping away, but it sure does feel that way. He has always had a firm hand with me. And I'm so thankful for it. I'm not a physically clingy person at all, but my soul definitely likes to cling to things. If He brings a spiritual leader and friend into my life, I tend to depend too much on them and what they have to say. If He allows me to be that to someone else, I tend to take too much pride in it and either let myself down or am too easily let down by them. I have wanted to stay single honestly because I fear the level of intensity of which I would love my husband. I think it would be so unhealthy! Maybe I am confusing the love I have for God with the kind I would have for a man, because that is always who He has been to me. My lover, my closest friend, pretty much the only great Man in my life! It seems so hard. But I assume too much. This is just on my mind.

Change of subject: I'm reading through one of my all-time favorite books, Searching for God Knows What, by Donald Miller. He is truly my inspiration for writing. I thought to be a great writer you have to have this crazy, wild imagination and be able to create these other worlds and characters. I love the fact that Don seems to write from the depths of his soul, the questions of his mind, the sincerity of his heart and his love for God. He has shown me a whole new world, really. (I kind of want to break into the Aladdin love song right now...) So anyway, this is some of what I've been reading today:

... I feel my life is a story more than a list. I feel this blood slipping through my veins and these chemicals in my brain telling me I am hungry or lonely, sad or angry, in love or despondent. And I don't feel that a list could ever explain the complexity of all this beauty, all this sun and moon, this smell of coming rain, the beautiful mysteries of women, or the truck-like complexity of men. It seems near heresy to explain the gospel of Jesus, this message an infinitely complex God had delivered to an infinitely complex humanity, in bullet points. How amazing it is that Christ would explain that to be His followers we must eat His flesh and drink His blood, and that He is the Bridegroom and we are the bride, and that we will be unified with Him in His death, and that we will live forever with Him in glory...

I go back to Eden, in my mind, to imagine what it's going to be like for you & me in heaven. I suppose it will be a new and marvelous paradise, where love will exist in its purest form, where the beauty of diversity will be understood for the first time, where self-hatred will fade into an agreement with God about the splendor of His creation, where physical beauty will no longer be used as a commodity, where you & I will feel free in our sincere love for others, ourselves, and God. And I suppose it will be in heaven that you and I actually understand each other, all the arguments seeming so inconsequential, and the glory of God before us in all His majesty, shining like sunlight through our souls. This will be a good thing, my friend.

To me, it is more beautiful to trust Christ, deny our fathers and refuse our names, die to ourselves and live again in Him, raised up in the wave of His resurrection, baptized and made new in the purity of His righteousness. I hope you will join me in clinging to Him.