my tiny heart.

It would seem to some that the good Lord is picking on me. I will be honest-- sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I feel a little bit lost. But I don't agree that His picking is mean-spirited; just a poking and prodding... like He is making sure I'm still awake, aware, and readying myself. This tiny heart of mine is barely holding it together. With each new testimony, story, or ministry I discover, it gets fuller. Often I don't know whether to cry or sigh or laugh, it just needs to escape in some way! I sometimes feel that my efforts here aren't necessary. I know that's not true. When I walk the halls of the elementary school I feel that same near-combusting joy. So many little faces. I want to hug and hold them all and look into those faces and say, "Oh how you are loved!" So many situations that need His intervention. Use me, Lord.

It's like my spirit is drawn to the most down-trodden, the most desperate, the most poor. And yet I feel so inadequate to help them. I am being reminded daily, several times daily, how much I am not in control of ANYTHING. My resources are dwindling. But I will still give. I think He's trying to teach me something, don't you? Here I am, such a planner, always trying to come up with a rhyme and reason, rushing the seasons He has placed me in. "Be still... Be still and know that I am God." I haven't mastered that art. Have you?!

"You must allow Jesus to make you bread to be eaten by all those you come in touch with." Those words, coming from dear Mother Teresa, are heavy with meaning. They remind me of Paul's exhortation: "Do not grow weary in doing good..." Humble yourself. Become a nobody. Do not seek the riches of this world. Spend yourself. Spend yourself. Spend yourself.

I broke down the other night when I thought of a certain dream and desire of mine not coming true. It hurts me to think that I would get so emotional with Him because of this "thing" that my heart is set upon. He should always stay in that place. Always. I know He knows my weaknesses and sees my frail state, but I really felt ridiculous crying over it. Once again, the nails go in... not my will, but Thine oh Lord. Freely I offer all to You.

"We have no right to decide where we should be placed, or to have preconceived ideas as to what God is preparing for us to do. God engineers everything; and where He places us, our one supreme goal should be to pour out our lives in whole-hearted devotion to Him in that particular work. 'Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might...' (Eccl. 9:10)"

-Oswald Chambers