Earthen vessels.

"What beautiful vocation is ours, to be carriers of Christ's love..."

I'm nearly done with my book about Mother Teresa. It has given me both inspiration and conviction. Mostly conviction. This has been on my heart so much: the blessed truth and mystery that we are His body, His vessels, His carriers in this world. One of my favorite passages of scripture is in 2 Corinthians 4, "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure..."

M. Teresa took that conviction and coupled it with action. Every day she lived out her beautiful vocation to bring her Jesus to the very sick, very poor, and dying people. It seemed to those around her that she lived this with such grace and inner joy. She must have been overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God! But it was quite the contrary. She struggled very much with doubt and feeling as if her Lord didn't want her anymore. She writes,

"It is only that blind faith that carries me through, for in reality to me all is darkness. As long as our Lord has all the pleasure, I really do not count."

"I am longing, with a painful longing, to be all for God. To be holy in such a way that Jesus can live His life to the full in me."

"He is destroying everything in me. But as I hold no claim on myself, He is free to do anything."

"Pray for me, that I may keep up the smile of giving without reserve."

"Thank God we don't serve God with our feelings; otherwise, I don't know where I'd be."

Now I must say, I think (as did most of her spiritual leaders) that this darkness she spoke of was special to her calling. She was to go into some of the most impoverished and darkest places and care for the poor. In order to love and serve them fully, it would make sense that she would need to feel what they feel-- darkness and abandonment. It wasn't God being cruel to her, but more of the sacrifice and burden she was meant to carry for the purpose that He had for her on earth. And though it was a great sacrifice for her to not feel the warmth and joy of His presence as she once did, her even greater joy was in being His vessel for her sisters and all she came in contact with. Someone wrote of her, "One of the best descriptions of Mother Teresa was that she was a woman totally, passionately, and madly in love with Jesus... wherever she went and whatever she did, she did very consciously-- to become a bridge between people and God."

My goodness, what does it take to get to her level? To have that intensity of love for lost souls? I think she put it together perfectly when writing to a fellow minister:

"It is only when we realize our nothingness, our emptiness, that God can fill us with Himself. When we become full of God, then we can give to others, for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks."

The words of John the Baptist come to my mind often- "He must increase, and I must decrease." (John 3:30) For us to become those earthen vessels, full of His presence, we MUST decrease. It is not an option. It's all or nothing. Some people may sincerely think they are living the Lord's purposes for them, but unless they are daily decreasing and emptying themselves of selfish ambition, I am so bold to say that they are not getting it yet. This is something that has practically been taunting me. This desire to be full of Him, only ever all for Thee, but what am I willing to do? Who am I willing to reach? I desire to have His heart, the heart of a seeker, but I know that it will cost me much. It will cost me my free time, my energy, my reputation, my plans, my life, to seek out those who are lost and bring them Home. This whole mission of my life is to not just pray for people, but actually and actively GO to them. Yes, it will take everything. Isn't He worth it?

I struggle daily with the comments of others about what I'm doing right now in my life. God continues to empty me of the importance that I place on the opinions and approvals of man. Multiple times a day I am reminded, "Who are you living for?" I decided a long time ago that living for me was overrated.

Oswald Chambers explains this well: "As His disciples, our lives must be a holy example of the reality of our message. Even the natural heart of the unsaved will serve if called upon to do so, but it takes a heart broken by conviction of sin, baptized by the Holy Spirit, and crushed into submission to God’s purpose, to make a person’s life a holy example of God’s message... Before God’s message can liberate other people, His liberation must first be real in you."

I went to prayer tonight & was so broken. I repented several times of my lack of boldness. I should be so excited to share about what God is doing in me and around me. Even more so, I should be telling every single person how wonderful He is, what He has done for us, how much He loves us. I understand the "balance" thing, and trust me, it's my last desire to get all freaky and scare people away from Him. But really. I feel like I'm on the opposite end sometimes. I watched the movie The Blind Side this weekend and really felt the weight of this conviction. Leigh Ann, aka Sandra Bullock, was SO extremely bold in her kindness and concern for that boy. It broke my heart. I realized how much I hold back in my interactions with people because I don't want to dig too deep and create an awkward situation for myself. I'm over that! I want what she has! And I want what Mother Teresa had. Such a passion for the heart of God, which translates and transfers into a heart for people, which in turn goes back to bless not only my heart, but His heart as well. So tonight, I say with faith that He has and is liberating me from fear and imparting to me the courage and confidence I need to live fully surrendered to Him. Amen!

"But nothing is difficult to one who loves. Who can out-do God in His generosity? If we poor human beings give Him everything and surrender our whole beings to His service, He is sure to stand by us and with us, as everything in us will be His."