Breathless.

I love the way He speaks to me! Especially when it's via Oswald Chambers :) I'm just going to let this speak for itself.

April 29th- Gracious Uncertainty

Our natural inclination is to be so precise-- trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next-- that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life-- gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God-- it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, "Unless you... become as little children.." The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, "... believe also in Me," not, "Believe certain things about Me."

Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in-- but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

"When I can't feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray.

And I want You more than I wanna live another day.

As I wait for You, maybe I'm made more...

Faithful."

-Brooke Fraser

my tiny heart.

It would seem to some that the good Lord is picking on me. I will be honest-- sometimes I feel that way. Sometimes I feel a little bit lost. But I don't agree that His picking is mean-spirited; just a poking and prodding... like He is making sure I'm still awake, aware, and readying myself. This tiny heart of mine is barely holding it together. With each new testimony, story, or ministry I discover, it gets fuller. Often I don't know whether to cry or sigh or laugh, it just needs to escape in some way! I sometimes feel that my efforts here aren't necessary. I know that's not true. When I walk the halls of the elementary school I feel that same near-combusting joy. So many little faces. I want to hug and hold them all and look into those faces and say, "Oh how you are loved!" So many situations that need His intervention. Use me, Lord.

It's like my spirit is drawn to the most down-trodden, the most desperate, the most poor. And yet I feel so inadequate to help them. I am being reminded daily, several times daily, how much I am not in control of ANYTHING. My resources are dwindling. But I will still give. I think He's trying to teach me something, don't you? Here I am, such a planner, always trying to come up with a rhyme and reason, rushing the seasons He has placed me in. "Be still... Be still and know that I am God." I haven't mastered that art. Have you?!

"You must allow Jesus to make you bread to be eaten by all those you come in touch with." Those words, coming from dear Mother Teresa, are heavy with meaning. They remind me of Paul's exhortation: "Do not grow weary in doing good..." Humble yourself. Become a nobody. Do not seek the riches of this world. Spend yourself. Spend yourself. Spend yourself.

I broke down the other night when I thought of a certain dream and desire of mine not coming true. It hurts me to think that I would get so emotional with Him because of this "thing" that my heart is set upon. He should always stay in that place. Always. I know He knows my weaknesses and sees my frail state, but I really felt ridiculous crying over it. Once again, the nails go in... not my will, but Thine oh Lord. Freely I offer all to You.

"We have no right to decide where we should be placed, or to have preconceived ideas as to what God is preparing for us to do. God engineers everything; and where He places us, our one supreme goal should be to pour out our lives in whole-hearted devotion to Him in that particular work. 'Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might...' (Eccl. 9:10)"

-Oswald Chambers

& my song shall ever be.

If you weren't aware, I spent the weekend in Florida at a Beth Moore conference. Yeah, words cannot do it justice! The way God speaks through that woman is so amazing to me. She taught about family, the spiritual and biological family. For our little group that went, and I'm sure the other 4,795 women, it spoke directly to our hearts. We are all dealing with much different circumstances and situations, and yet He can still speak clearly and specifically to all of us at the same time. How wonderful He is! Maybe another time I'll share more of her message with you, but tonight I want to share a couple songs that I'm listening to over and over and over. I bought Travis Cottrell's cd, who was the worship leader at the conference. It's beautiful beyond words. And expresses my heart for Him so well. Jesus, this my song shall ever be...

I Will Sing of My Redeemer (You Set Me Free)

I will sing of my Redeemer & His wondrous love to me.

On the cruel cross He suffered.

From the curse, to set me free.

Sing, oh sing, of my Redeemer.

With His blood He purchased me.

On the cross, He sealed my pardon,

paid the debt, and set me free.

I will tell the wondrous story,
how my lost estate to save,

In His boundless love and mercy,
He the ransom freely gave.

Sing, oh sing, of my Redeemer.

With His blood He purchased me.

On the cross He sealed my pardon,

paid the debt, and set me free.

You set me free!

I'm ransomed, so free!

The darkness is over

beholding I see,

a living Redeemer

Love healing me.

Forever forgiven

this love song I bring.

You set me free.

I will praise my dear Redeemer.
His triumphant power I'll tell.
How the victory He giveth
over sin, and death, and hell.

Sing, oh sing, of my Redeemer.

With His blood He purchased me.

On the cross, He sealed my pardon,

paid the debt, and set me free.

A living Redeemer, Love healing me.

Forever forgiven, this love song I bring...

You've set me free.

And this other song is my heart-cry for our world. We say, "Do it, Lord," also knowing that it is our responsibility, our call, our vocation to go out and bring these things to pass by our love-in-action. That was our message in church this morning-- we are Christ's ambassadors. May we have the faith to believe, the assuranceto trust, and the boldness to pray: let Your kingdom come through us, Jesus!

I see Your glory covering the earth, Lord,

just as the waters are covering the sea.

I see the millions coming to salvation.

I see revival fire in the land.

I see the lost, nameless ones remembered.

I see the widows shouting out Your praise.

I see the friendless loved and celebrated,

orphans fulfilling, Lord, Your calling on their lives.

Do it, Lord, do it, Lord.

Do it, Lord, we are praying.

Do it, Lord, do it that Your glory may be seen.

I see forgiveness overtaking hatred,

pride and prejudice now giving way to love.

I see depression replaced with joy and gladness

and Satan's lies now bowing to the Truth.

Do it, Lord, do it, Lord.

Do it, Lord, we are praying.

Do it, Lord, do it that Your glory may be seen.

This is our prayer, Oh God. This is our desperate cry.

In these days that we're living now, let Your kingdom come.

Let Your will be done.

I see the brokenness of families brought to wholeness.

I see the prodigals running home to You.

Father's hearts now turning toward their children

& their children's hearts turning toward their fathers.

I see Your church rising up in power

laying down their lives in unity and love.

I hear the sound of every tribe & nation

giving glory to Jesus Christ the Son.

Do it, Lord, do it, Lord.

Do it, Lord, we are praying.

Do it, Lord, do it that Your glory may be seen.

In these days that we're living now

let Your kingdom come.

Let Your will be done.

Earthen vessels.

"What beautiful vocation is ours, to be carriers of Christ's love..."

I'm nearly done with my book about Mother Teresa. It has given me both inspiration and conviction. Mostly conviction. This has been on my heart so much: the blessed truth and mystery that we are His body, His vessels, His carriers in this world. One of my favorite passages of scripture is in 2 Corinthians 4, "We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure..."

M. Teresa took that conviction and coupled it with action. Every day she lived out her beautiful vocation to bring her Jesus to the very sick, very poor, and dying people. It seemed to those around her that she lived this with such grace and inner joy. She must have been overwhelmed and overflowing with the love of God! But it was quite the contrary. She struggled very much with doubt and feeling as if her Lord didn't want her anymore. She writes,

"It is only that blind faith that carries me through, for in reality to me all is darkness. As long as our Lord has all the pleasure, I really do not count."

"I am longing, with a painful longing, to be all for God. To be holy in such a way that Jesus can live His life to the full in me."

"He is destroying everything in me. But as I hold no claim on myself, He is free to do anything."

"Pray for me, that I may keep up the smile of giving without reserve."

"Thank God we don't serve God with our feelings; otherwise, I don't know where I'd be."

Now I must say, I think (as did most of her spiritual leaders) that this darkness she spoke of was special to her calling. She was to go into some of the most impoverished and darkest places and care for the poor. In order to love and serve them fully, it would make sense that she would need to feel what they feel-- darkness and abandonment. It wasn't God being cruel to her, but more of the sacrifice and burden she was meant to carry for the purpose that He had for her on earth. And though it was a great sacrifice for her to not feel the warmth and joy of His presence as she once did, her even greater joy was in being His vessel for her sisters and all she came in contact with. Someone wrote of her, "One of the best descriptions of Mother Teresa was that she was a woman totally, passionately, and madly in love with Jesus... wherever she went and whatever she did, she did very consciously-- to become a bridge between people and God."

My goodness, what does it take to get to her level? To have that intensity of love for lost souls? I think she put it together perfectly when writing to a fellow minister:

"It is only when we realize our nothingness, our emptiness, that God can fill us with Himself. When we become full of God, then we can give to others, for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks."

The words of John the Baptist come to my mind often- "He must increase, and I must decrease." (John 3:30) For us to become those earthen vessels, full of His presence, we MUST decrease. It is not an option. It's all or nothing. Some people may sincerely think they are living the Lord's purposes for them, but unless they are daily decreasing and emptying themselves of selfish ambition, I am so bold to say that they are not getting it yet. This is something that has practically been taunting me. This desire to be full of Him, only ever all for Thee, but what am I willing to do? Who am I willing to reach? I desire to have His heart, the heart of a seeker, but I know that it will cost me much. It will cost me my free time, my energy, my reputation, my plans, my life, to seek out those who are lost and bring them Home. This whole mission of my life is to not just pray for people, but actually and actively GO to them. Yes, it will take everything. Isn't He worth it?

I struggle daily with the comments of others about what I'm doing right now in my life. God continues to empty me of the importance that I place on the opinions and approvals of man. Multiple times a day I am reminded, "Who are you living for?" I decided a long time ago that living for me was overrated.

Oswald Chambers explains this well: "As His disciples, our lives must be a holy example of the reality of our message. Even the natural heart of the unsaved will serve if called upon to do so, but it takes a heart broken by conviction of sin, baptized by the Holy Spirit, and crushed into submission to God’s purpose, to make a person’s life a holy example of God’s message... Before God’s message can liberate other people, His liberation must first be real in you."

I went to prayer tonight & was so broken. I repented several times of my lack of boldness. I should be so excited to share about what God is doing in me and around me. Even more so, I should be telling every single person how wonderful He is, what He has done for us, how much He loves us. I understand the "balance" thing, and trust me, it's my last desire to get all freaky and scare people away from Him. But really. I feel like I'm on the opposite end sometimes. I watched the movie The Blind Side this weekend and really felt the weight of this conviction. Leigh Ann, aka Sandra Bullock, was SO extremely bold in her kindness and concern for that boy. It broke my heart. I realized how much I hold back in my interactions with people because I don't want to dig too deep and create an awkward situation for myself. I'm over that! I want what she has! And I want what Mother Teresa had. Such a passion for the heart of God, which translates and transfers into a heart for people, which in turn goes back to bless not only my heart, but His heart as well. So tonight, I say with faith that He has and is liberating me from fear and imparting to me the courage and confidence I need to live fully surrendered to Him. Amen!

"But nothing is difficult to one who loves. Who can out-do God in His generosity? If we poor human beings give Him everything and surrender our whole beings to His service, He is sure to stand by us and with us, as everything in us will be His."

sweetly broken.

Oh my... how I love Jesus. Why do I let this world distract me so? I don't like being stuck in this body. There are emotions that it cannot contain, words that it cannot speak, love that it just cannot express enough. All I need to do is worship. How worthy is my Savior. How marvelous are His ways. How indescribable His greatness. How humble His love.

When I think about the day my true Love died... how He was shamed, despised, beaten... crucified. I imagine Him there, hanging on that tree, and His eyes meet mine. Blood, sweat, and tears mix. I cannot contain the cries. Please, please take Him down. Please stop His suffering. He is perfect. He doesn't deserve it. My sweet Jesus...

He is the only good I've ever known. He held me when I was broken. He welcomed me as a child. He put my heart back together when it was torn and shattered. I would sit at His feet as He taught me, laughed with me, showed me Truth. I saw Him do miracles, unexplainable things. He was my everything. My Jesus... He is dying.

Through His gashes, His swollen face, I know He still has joy. I can feel it. Sorrow and love both mingled down. I don't understand this determination. I desire this obedience. A Love stronger than death. A Life that was willingly laid down, given up, surrendered, taken... for me. And also taken up again for me. He came back! He did what I could never do for myself. How mysterious this power. How grateful am I! All to Him I owe. Once stained in crimson, I am now white as snow. He sees me holy. He took on my sin and gave me His righteousness. He appeared & turned my mourning and grief into a garment of praise. He knew it wasn't over for Him. He knew it wasn't over for me. The Father paid my ransom & set me free. Freedom. I am free.

This world has nothing for me.

I will follow You.

"When Christ died, He took that entire rule-dominated way of life with Him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to 'marry' a resurrection life and bear 'offspring' of faith for God... In the end, all we had to show for (our life of sin) was miscarriages and still-births. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God." Romans 7:3-6

"You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted disbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ." Ephesians 2:2-5

To the Cross I look, to the Cross I cling. Of its suffering I do drink. Of its work I do sing. For on it my Savior, both bruised and crushed, showed that God is love and God is just. At the Cross You beckon me, draw me gently to my knees. And I'm lost for words, so lost in love. I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. You've called me out of death. You've called me into life. And I was under Your wrath... now through the Cross I'm reconciled. How wondrous Your redeeming love. How great Your faithfulness.

Take of this cup and never thirst again. Take of My body and never hunger more.

My Love, it satisfies. My blood, it gives you life. My mercy far outweighs your need. My justice never fails. My faithfulness prevails. My strength is poured out for the weak.

There is a River that never runs dry. My cup runneth over.