Hidden wonders.

How was your Christmas?! Mine was great, thanks. I have my griefs, but I will spare you from those. They have been given over to the One who bears my burdens daily. Overall, I was so delighted to see the familiar, and changing, faces of the ones I love most. There was a lot of laughter, which I am very grateful for. Too many presents. I'm still trying to find the balance of how I can better teach my future children about Christmas. As I watched the little ones eagerly move from one gift to the next, amidst my happiness for them, I still had that pang of guilt and conviction that will stay with my always because I have seen too much and therefore am responsible for my knowledge. If you are confused, just read my earlier blogs, and you will quickly learn of how the Lord has been dealing with me!

I did receive a most enlightening gift from my dad-- the documentary, The Star of Bethlehem. It follows the journey of a Christian lawyer in his search of proof that the Star was a real phenomenon, and not just a made-up character in the story of Christ's birth. It is truly amazing! And much too detailed to explain here. You can borrow it!

I was thinking a lot about that movie & all that God has done to make Himself and His promises known to us. We attended an amazing church yesterday. The pastor wasn't there; the guest speaker was a Dr. Somebody who had graduated from Harvard and spends a lot of his time traveling and speaking around the world. I knew it was going to be good. He spoke about the Gift of a Redeemed Life. And to my enjoyment, went into explaining all the historical facts of the birth of Jesus, even the Star. It was just as fresh and exciting hearing it over again-- the miraculous and supernatural coming of God Incarnate. He was a very learned man, obviously from Harvard, but He spoke with the conviction and sensitivity of the Spirit. He reveled how we, as believers, are much like Mary. When we choose to answer the voice of God and accept His will for us, the Holy Spirit births a new spirit within us, and we too experience a miraculous conception of Jesus Christ. How wonderful! And he reminded us that the three magi from the East were Gentiles-- they were not of God's chosen and called-out people, but yet they were the ones who told the king and people of Jerusalem that the Savior had been born. This could be understood as a foreshadowing of the salvation of ALL people, every nation! And also that these men had some kind of intervention; possibly they realized that their religion and beliefs were not getting them anywhere, and that this wonder in the stars might lead them to real and true God.

Do you know about the gifts that they brought? This is one of my favorite parts. The gifts were that of gold, which is what you offer a king; frankincense, which you give to a priest or a prophet of God; and myrrh, which is what you bring to someone who is about to die.

How did they know to bring such things? Were the magi aware of what was really happening? It just intrigues me so!! I hope we get to interview people in heaven. I want to know about all of this!

Back in the church service, the speaker ended it so beautifully. Do we come and adore the Savior with these same gifts? Gold: a purified life, set apart for the use and desires of the King. Frankincense: a prayerful life, offering up the sweet smelling incense of intercession and longing. Myrrh: a crucified life, no longer living for self, but dedicated to God and dead to sin.

And I cried while singing, "O come let us adore Him, for He alone is worthy, we give You all the glory..."

I received a Facebook message from a YWAM director in New Haven, CT. I believe he is a prophet to this generation. If you ever meet him or hear him speak, you will know.

This is the message, A Christmas Prayer for the End of this Decade.

"Jesus, Oh Long expected One, the Joy of the whole earth, we pause here near the close of advent, and the end of a decade, to consider the wonders of your comings in the history of our lives. Struck breathless by your scandalous grace we thank you for choosing a stable for your first home, to give us hope that there would come a day that you would be born into the far fouler recesses of our own barren hearts. Thank you Jesus, for that day has come!
Oh Inescapable One, Incarnation of the Father's love, thank you for the hope of your future coming in glory, when every tear will be dried from the eyes of Your friends, and more importantly, finally from your own. But till then, Jesus, we're stuck between the dreaming at the stable and the coming true of Your second coming. So we're most thankful that you're the Ever-coming Christ! You relentlessly come all the time in our lives; in the sacrament of the present moment you live and breathe. Forgive us for not seeing you there in the years gone by. Forgive us for our selfish living. May we perceive that there is a divinely initiated banquet going on at the heart of ordinary life, and that around that table is the poor, broken and needy of the world.

In this coming New Year, and decade, we want to be where you are Jesus, more than anything. Somehow we want to provide for you a more comfortable place to lay your head, and your heart. We're not sure how to do this, but this is our quest. In Your most beautiful name we pray." AMEN

Though that quest is never-ending, I hope and pray that you would begin. For in HIM lie all the treasures of hidden knowledge and wisdom. I do love treasure hunts, don't you?!

Christmas is...

“God did not write a book and send it by messenger to be read at a distance by unaided minds. He spoke a Book and lives in His spoken words, constantly speaking His words and causing the power of them to persist across the years.”

I, unlike many people I know, do not feel the impending and overwhelming excitement at this time of year. I mean, I am not "in-love" with Christmas as most people are. Possibly because I don't enjoy presents like I used to. Or possibly because I think that people waste a lot of money on the newest decorations and lights, and they always must out-give another with trinkets and things that won't last. To be absolutely and horribly honest, it's just more money that could be well given elsewhere. I'm not referring to everyone & I'm not bashing gift-giving. I love gifts. I'm simply trying to really focus on Christmas. The real Christmas. The real Christ.

It's more than baby Jesus. It's about the Jesus that lived to die and saved us from a terrible and well-deserved fate. And it's more than a "silent night" because I think that song is a lie. He was born in a stable with animals, for goodness' sake! And poor sweet Mary had no pain medication. No, not silence. (Why do we always have to change things and make them fit what we want to believe?!)

The Truth is, the Word of God made His home with us. Now isn't that a mystery... the Word made flesh. It's still hard for me to understand this, but I think it means that all which was created to bring men to God (the law) and all that was planned since the beginning to save the world, was brought together, past and future, and born into our junk. The laws from the Jewish people were fulfilled, and the hope of the nations was brought to life. It is an immense and unending explanation that I really, really look forward to knowing in heaven! My little brain is working so hard to try to put into words what my heart has accepted as such marvelous fact. Jesus is so much more than what we have heard and have ever been taught. And this is what I love about Christmas! I can sit here and imagine that day when the world was forever changed, when His-story took a dramatic turn. A baby changed everything. God clothed himself in our skin. He made the way.

“The interior journey of the soul from the wilds of sin into the enjoyed presence of God is beautiful. Ransomed men no longer pause in fear to the Holy of Holies; but God wills that we should push on into His presence and live our whole life there.”

(I love the word "ransomed." It means the redemption of a prisoner, deliverance and rescue from punishment, liberation, release.)

The reason for everything we do is Jesus. Prayer is only possible because of Jesus. Peace is only possible because of Jesus. Loving people no matter what they do or have done is only possible through Jesus! He is our everything. More than the reason for the season- He is my reason for life! What burning passion and urgency we should feel because not everyone has what we have or knows what we know. That is the message of Christmas that most ignore-- yes, we celebrate Him and we celebrate our family and friends, but how can we bring others into our celebration?

I think that is a huge challenge for all of us. I know I feel like Christmas is a vacation. We eat, watch movies, play board games, and enjoy ourselves. Isn't this the time of year that gives us the best opportunity to bring people Home? Most people have heard of sweet baby Jesus, but do they know about the One who gives strength to the weak and makes the broken whole? It's hard to imagine an innocent baby talking you through your addictions and giving you marital counsel. Don't forget to show the Jesus who lived our lives and overcame. Tell them about how He didn't just die and go back to heaven, but He delivered on His promise from long, long ago and gave us His very Spirit to make His home in us, to lead us and help us. That He will never walk away or forget us. Tell someone, or everyone, what He gives you-- how he has so enriched and excited your life! Tell them how you will never be the same. How it doesn't matter that none of it makes much sense-- all we know is that we feel brand new. And the joy... oh, do share about your joy! If you don't have any, then ask for some! It's such a joyous thing to know you aren't just another person, but you are His child, His bride.

Remind yourself of all these things & remember what He has done for you. The world will listen if only we would learn to tell them. & if necessary, we could use words.

“The blessed and inviting Truth is that God is the most winsome of all beings and in our worship of Him we should find unspeakable pleasure.”

Merry Christmas!

Standing under the downpour.

Let me catch my breath.

I have been absolutely covered in the grace, favor, and faithfulness of God.

As most of you know, today marks week 2 of being so-called "unemployed." But God is and forever will be my Provider. As if He really owes me any kind of explanation or comfort, He has given me an opportunity to stay in a beautiful house surrounded by beautiful water, and He has filled my days with work. Good work with great people doing something that I do so well-- cleaning! And I love it. It's freeing and so fulfilling right now because I know that much like the sparrows, He is feeding me from His hands. I am so blessed.

(at the moment Kim Walker is screaming in the background how He loves us... seriously.)

How sweet is it to be loved by you, Lord!!!!!

So today, I was sitting on the balcony of a condo, waiting for the laundry to finish, and I was once again so overwhelmed with wonder. Then something else struck me-- guilt. I examined my life, how I'm living, where I'm living, all that I have... and I felt guilty. Like, God, why? Why am I here? There are people in this very town who are stressed out and struggling for money, and here I am chillaxing in a resort, enjoying the cool breeze and sunshine?!

It's really hard sometimes to accept gifts from people. Even from God. And He reminded me of my faithfulness. And that He rewards obedient children. It's just His nature & His order.

Which brings me to today's entry from Oswald Chamber's, My Utmost for His Highest.

The last couple of days God has used these words to bring such peace to my heart. Here's some from today:

"Always distinguish between God's order and His permissive will, i.e., His providential purpose towards us.

God's order is unchangeable; His permissive will is that with which we must wrestle before Him. It is our reaction to the permissive will of God that enables us to get at His order.

'All things work together for good to them that love God' - to those who remain true to God's order, to His calling in Christ Jesus. God's permissive will is the means whereby His sons and daughters are to be manifested. We are not to be like jelly-fish saying, "It's the Lord's will." We have not to put up a fight before God, not to wrestle with God, but to wrestle before God with things. Beware of squatting lazily before God instead of putting up a glorious fight so that you may lay hold of His strength."

For me, that is immense relief! We are not called to wrestle with God, but to wrestle before God, in humility and surrender, with the things in our lives. Uncertainty, job opportunities, school, ministry, relationships. These are all vital to our livelihood, and therefore is vital to our relationship with Jesus. One directly affects the other.

Through the wrestling, we take on His strength and ability, and we learn. We learn what we can and cannot do, and we learn how much He really is above everything and in everything.

It's like the whole conflict thing in my last blog... life is truly about struggle, because without the struggle, we would and could do it on our own. And that's never been His intent.

So, if you find yourself in a position much like me, accept the fact that you will always have a battle, and rejoice in the fact that the battle has a worthy cause; and that is the building of your faith, trust, and dependence on your Love. It's also preparing you to be placed in the center of His will, and to bring your heart & mind into His order, not your own. Discipline is the life of a disciple, my friends! And I'm still learning so much myself. I always will be.

Don't forget: Visit www.mycharitywater.org/candicemae and donate to my Christmas well! Here are a few of my favorite pics from their field work...

Write a better story.

I finished Donald Miller's newest book- A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It's a must-have, in my opinion. Especially if you long for something more to be made from your life. I am so intrigued by the elements of a story... by how a movie or a book can suck you in completely and manipulate your emotions in the perfect way to make you cheer for, hate, or envy a character who is not even real! It's an interesting thing, for sure. And the stories that Don is beginning to tell, and has already told in his life, are wonderful. And I love it because a great story basically all comes down to relationships. You don't have to travel to another country or do something no one else has ever done to write a good story. There's a Story being told all around us... we just have to find where we fit & how we can make it better.

When I grabbed this book off my shelf a minute ago I saw a travel journal that one of my friends bought me before I shipped off to YWAM. It's still empty. Yes, I wrote that story down in another journal, but it made me so desire to start another journey. To fill those pages with more encounters with God, with unique and beautiful people, with deeper truth about myself. I am so excited for the new season I am beginning.

I really like this quote from Don's book:

"Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasies come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's the conflict that changes the person."

How often do we, even a lot of us Christians, cling to the hope that we will not experience trouble, trial, conflict and pain in our lives? Yet Jesus himself promised us those very things. He says on another page, "And when you stop expecting God to end all your troubles, you'll be surprised how much you like spending time with God."

I've been convicted about that lately. Instead of seeking God for specific direction for my life all the time, maybe I should just sit down, open my mind and my heart, make some good coffee, and just talk. Talk about the day, talk about my dreams, ask what He is thinking, tell Him how thankful I am.

So today marks year number two since the tragic day at YWAM Denver. Tiffany and Phil-- man, you guys are missed greatly. It's hard not to linger on thoughts of what you might be doing right now if you had not been taken from here. But I am so encouraged because we are not those who are without hope. I know where you are is where I truly long to be... in the perfect, awesome, complete & restoring presence of our Savior King. Thank you for your stories & for the legacies you've left. We'll keep the Love Story going, even to the ends of the earth!

I was so moved by the afterword of this book. It's about what will happen at the end of all of our stories. I want to change it up a bit to fit my life experiences so far. And I challenge you to do something like this. Examine your life, your story, and see how much you have let it be His story. Because we should be more concerned with the Story than we are about ourselves. And because "the world needs for us to have courage; the world needs for us to write something better."

I don't wonder anymore what I'll tell God when I go to heaven, when we sit in the chairs under the tree, outside the city. I'll tell Him about the time in Nepal when chickens and goats were running through our houses, and when we would just stop and think about how wonderful this world is in all of its creativity. I'll tell Him how amazing the stars look from this side of Earth... how in that quaint, far away village you could see the wisps of the Milky Way. And I will thank Him for giving me these images of His glory.

I'll ask Him if He remembers all the times I cried myself to sleep as a little girl, and He'll look comfortingly at me and tell me He was there. I'll tell Him about all the retreats and youth trips and how much fun I had learning how to live for Him.

I'll tell Him about all the great laughs with the friends and family He gave me, and what I loved and appreciated about each and every one of them.

I'll tell him about the joys of giving to homeless people and missionaries and making sure kids had presents on Christmas morning. And He'll probably show me how big of a difference my dollars really made.

I'll tell Him about teaching kids His Word, and how amazing it was to see them understand the sacrifice of His Son. I'll tell Him about our Kids Camps and ask why it had to be so stinkin' hot in the summer time.

I'll share my favorite parts of His Word & all the sermons and messages that changed my life. He'll tell me how He worked everything out perfectly for me to hear them at that specific time in my life. Then He'll thank me for being obedient, and I will worship Him.

I'll go on and on about how marvelously He painted the sunsets, and how sweet and thoughtful He was to give me the opportunities He did. I'll be sorry for the ones I chose to miss out on, and He'll nod and agree that it was my loss, but insist that I carried out His plans for my life beautifully.

I'll tell these things to God, and He'll laugh, I think, and then remind me of all the parts I forgot, the parts that were His favorites. We'll sit and remember my story together, and then He'll stand and put His arms around me and say, "Well done," and that He liked my story.

And my soul won't be thirsty anymore.

Finally, He'll turn, and we'll walk toward the city, a city He will have spoken into existence, a city built in a place where once there had been nothing.