There was a sentence that struck me so hard, because it has been something I have learned, but am still struggling with and will probably always struggle with. He says, "Following Jesus isn't about us; it's about Him. I can't embrace the kingdom when my arms are full of me."
Yep. I'm selfish. I want my days off. I want time to myself. I want, I want, I want.
I was driving home one day after a really, really busy and intense day full of exhausting ministry. I started complaining to God. "Why do you have me here? I feel like all I do is work. I'm so tired. God, why can't I be back in Denver?" Blah blah blah...
And then the strong conviction came and brought me to tears. Very plainly I felt the Holy Spirit say to me "This isn't your life."
Now I know that sounds harsh, but it was definitely what I needed to hear. This isn't about me- never has been, never will be.
Colleene and I often talk about how hard it is to be here sometimes. But the conversation always ends in, "This is ministry. This is God's work." Gah, it's such a good reminder! There's a verse in Corinthians that tells us everything we have comes from God. Everything. And Paul makes the point that we have no authority to boast in ourselves, for without Him we would be nothing.
So that's where I am right now. Pondering what a life would be like if truly lived in and through and from Jesus. I want to know that kind of life. I trust that I will have times to rest and relax because Jesus did that himself. But a life that is so deeply rooted in Love, and not just the idea of love, but the Person of love. I want it. I want Him. All of Him. And I want to be used up so that the only thing that satisfies me is His Spirit. And I want to be desperate for Him.
"It is a historical scene that captures my heart: God in the flesh breaking into their world with healing spiritual authority and simple yet profound words, 'The kingdom of God is near,' He said. 'The kingdom of God is within you.'"
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