i married you
in the wildness of april
the snow drifted softly
over & into our yes.
a year later
in the howling wind
this almost but not yet of spring
we live together
side by side
shining and dark
billowing and steady
our love is
a branch near breaking
a bud,
new yet strong
a drop
sliding down
free falling into
a sea of obscurity.
------
One of my favorite relationship songs is Ingrid Michaelson's, Giving Up. I've appreciated the melody, but now I find myself living the words. This is where I am a year into my marriage:
constant surrender.
Waking up every morning & going to sleep every night with a mental, emotional, and spiritual posture of open hands, an open heart.
Sometimes weeping, sometimes laughing, always desperately trying to stay open, regardless of feeling.
Because I don't know what else to do.
Because maybe there's nothing else I can do.
This is a complete paradox to me. It seems that my marriage is what I should cling to, not release -- that it should be the one thing I do control. Yet this belief has already caused me heartache.
I am not in control.
Of anything.
Yes, I make my own decisions. I choose my attitude. I choose how to respond to my emotions. Yet if I look closely, really, the surrender and acceptance is much more prevalent than the mastery.
Giving up.
Giving in.
-----
Several weeks ago, our community participated in lectio divina together. As Katie read Ephesians 5:1-2, we listened, paying close attention to the words & phrases.
he didn't love to get something from us
but to give everything of himself to us.
love like that.
These words have stuck with me for years -- the love like that command, which is more like a blessing. Loving like this, giving all without getting, is painfully hard. Have you tried it? It feels like dying. And I think it is, in a metaphysical way. I think that's why we're told to do it, because it kills what we cling to -- selfishness, fear, hurt -- everything that keeps us from healing, from seeing past ourselves & moving past our pain.
Let it go
& love like that.
------
In an email conversation with a friend, she shared a desire to hear and to know the reality of marriage -- for people to mentor singles, in a way, by sharing the raw, the real, the all of their relationships. Everyone's marriage & relationship is a sacred place, a secret place. There are things we don't share, or could not possibly share for the mystery and depth that it is. Still, we can be real about our lives, and that's what I want to do here. I want to be one who accepts the challenge of authenticity & transparency. We're only a year in, and if I'm honest, I'm already a different person. I did not (& do not) enjoy the process of change, and even so, I am grateful to be in the tension, to feel the movement from who I was to who I will someday be. I love this change, and at times, it majorly sucks.
Every day, we say yes. To everything. There are kisses that leave us weak. There is beauty in making meals together, sharing beers and showers and a bed. And there is pain in unawareness of need, lack of remembrance, distance of bodies and turning off of lights and emotions.
We say yes to everything
& we keep going
keep living & loving
like that.
-------
we are a form of invitation to others and to otherness."
-David Whyte
2 comments:
Humility. Vulnerability. Transparency. THANK YOU for sharing. Your desire to be known is real and seen. I love reading your heart in words.
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