prep, then step

If any of you reading this have spoken with me recently, you are aware of my present life situation. I am in counseling (and beginning to think it should be a lifelong involvement), I am in a serious dating relationship, I am living in a new place, and as much change as I've had in the past 6-ish months, more change is on the way.

Can you believe it?

Just moved into a house with a quickly passing lease. Hopefully finding a job come June that lines up with not only my learned skills but my passions and beliefs as well. Mending relationships, building new friendships, and trying to discern when planning for marriage crosses over from convenience to a deep, honest commitment. Timing can be such a bugger.

I'm not sure what to think about my life some days. I've been told that I've lived in insecurity (outward and inward) for most of my life and I will continue to seek that-- which was said in a not so good way. I agree with this observation, but I'm not quite sure that I see it as a major hindrance. I know there is a part of my soul that would rather not get too attached to one place or one person. There are many broken parts of me that I've picked up and moved around so often in an attempt to avoid the painstaking focus that it would require to sit and put myself back together. I also truly know that I'm a wanderer on earth, that this is not my home, and I feel like there is too much to be done to be settled in one place. Oh, duality.

I have realized that I've convinced myself of my potential, my worth, the greatness placed inside of me, but now see that convincing myself is not the same as believing it and living from that belief. A lot of things have come crashing down. I find it so interesting that I am where I am. Abba has sure put up a fight for me--

a fight to tear down my deception, a fight to free me from the way I've always been. And He is the energy propelling me forward into a hopeful, beautiful future.

This process, though frightening and awful most days, is also providing space to dream. Sometimes I'm so focused on this day that I cannot bear to think of having to take on yet another day, but today is not one of those days. Today began badly-- I had to release anger, forgive and let myself be forgiven, all before 10 am. But as I walked briskly in this Edina neighborhood with Lulu and Lucy in tow, my heart was renewed. Fresh air does amazing things for me. Add this springtime warmth and a few cheery birds and I'm a new woman!

A woman who can't stop thinking about the possibilities of a life well lived. Dreams, ideas, and plans of purpose and intentional living are filling my mind and heart. I have learned so much about myself, and putting together who I am and who Kip is gives me such excitement. We're gonna change the world.

Many options lie before us and as hard as it is for me to talk about options without planning for them, I feel like it will be beneficial. There's the option of joining staff with YWAM, which would be challenging, adventurous, and would allow us to participate/ facilitate what we both think is uber important : discipleship. We've also dreamed of creating a specific discipleship experience that goes even more in depth with people in helping them discover their gifts, strengths, and passions in life. Kathy described it as a "gap year DTS." We are fiercely disturbed by the fact that our society doesn't really know what to do with people our age-- people seemingly too young and inexperienced to really contribute or who even know who they are-- so we're all told to go off and learn, yet are usually placed in environments that are far more destructive than educational. Counterproductive!

We are also very passionate about community-- living in close proximity with others, opening ourselves up to constant accountability, authenticity, love, and joy. It's been a recently repetitive conversation about the annoyance of suburbs. Not that they are evil or wrong, but for us, we don't want to feel cut off from the world ( which seems to be their intent ). We want to live in the nitty gritty, the sometimes dirty and uncomfortable, because that is true and that is hard. We don't want to miss out on the developmental experience of sharing life with those who are much different than ourselves. Small groups and corporate worship times just aren't enough for us. We want to daily grow and be an intimate part of the growth of others.

There is honestly so much that I feel called to ...

ministry to orphans, structural and health-oriented development for the poor, building relationships & providing care for the homeless, teaching & educating, being a voice to the privileged about the majority of our world population who are unprivileged and connecting those two opposites in genuine love and understanding and support.

This next one might seem a bit morbid, but I want others to come to a knowledge of the powerful hope in Christ, specifically in the face of death. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved and he speaks about our deaths as being a gift to those who knew us. He describes a mystical happening of our spirits and our memories still ministering even after we're gone. I thought this was really strange at first, but then I thought of people like Tiffany and Phil whose life values and purpose still encourage me today even though they died their physical deaths 4 years ago. I feel like I have a peace and a comfort about eternity that most do not possess, and I desire to communicate and share that in a way that brings hope to the hopeless and hurting.

The flip side to all of this is that I am just another person with big dreams and a big heart. I struggle with shame and defeat just like the next girl, but I am promised a full life in the midst of my broken reality. Although I have the willingness to dream, it takes much work and discipline to make these dreams happen. I daily must remind myself of truth-- the truth of His love and affection for me. I need to be still and know who He is, listening for and receiving His blessings, trusting His grace. That is what changes me. And that is what will change the world.

Maybe this weekend I will sit down and share with you about Nouwen's book. It's great & it's putting so much into a right perspective for me.

May you be filled this Thursday,

even to overflowing. Our God is great & greatly to be praised.

love!