my life : a snowglobe

Once again I am awed and inspired by the lovely folks at Momastery. (see blog link under my fav.s) Glennon shares such humorous and inspirational wisdom it's nearly unbearable. So many good nuggets and sentences in her long posts. I get quite overwhelmed. I love what she said in this recent entry about her life being like a snowglobe -- a small, fragile thing that get's stirred up a lot but always settles again; is always safe because she's being held by big, steady hands.

It's a challenging post to read because she fights with this thought that we aren't in control of anything. We can't even control who we want to love ( her family recently experienced a failed adoption ).

And I love her redemption of that fight: we may not be able to control the who, what, or when, but we do control if we will love. That is our choice and ours only. Will we respond with a pervasive yes, no matter what the cost or the pain or the suffering? Or will we choose to remain in our anger, self pity, and defiance with a resounding "no" ?

"There is only one question in this ridiculous life.

Will you love or will you not?

Will you love this place, this plan, this jacked up situation, this wretched person, this part of your life that was never ever in your plan?

Will you love this life, this one that's put before you? We can choose to love. That is our only real power, I think. But love is never the safest choice.

Because we have to follow where she leads, and her path is twisty and turny and narrow and branches jump out from nowhere to try to knock us unconscious. The path is dirty and rocky and that love... she rarely leads us where we hoped she would.

Do we ever even get to the end of her path? Do we get to see where she's leading?

Not sure."

I went to a Gungor concert the other night and was blown by their creative brilliance. Actually, their sister band is called The Brilliance, and they opened the show and sang a song that has been in my head all day. "Hope to the hopeless, your love is. Strength in my weakness, your love is. May your love cause us to open up..."

Love is freedom. Love is strength. And love is hard. But God is in the love, and God forms the love, and God blesses the love. Though we know not where her path is leading, we can be sure that God is on it with us. We love because He loved us first. And we are only going where He has already gone.

So say yes today and every day, but let's just focus on today. Let's look past the hurt and erase the scoreboard. Let's rest in the truth of being unfathomably loved by our creator, and once we're so filled by his love, let's allow it to spill out freely and openly, especially in laughter and even in tears.

------> more inspiration : Reason to Sing

th-needs

(the above title doesn't make any sense unless you've seen The Lorax. If you think I'm weird, 1. you're right, and 2. just say it a few times-- it gets funnier)

"... And so I just wanted to tell you that story today, on my birthday, and ask you to really think about what you need, and ask someone for it. If you have no one to ask, ask us."

-- Momastery

To quote my dear, sweet, loving boyfriend, I've been a bit needy lately. And apparently it's an underlying relationship rule that you cannot both be needy at the same time because that's plain disastrous. Too bad there are some days we just can't control it. Or entire weekends, in our case.

I am learning how to better communicate my needs, as most people learn in relationship. I have recently discovered that something was instilled in me as a child, either from inside myself or from those I grew up around, that taught me that my needs & feelings weren't a big deal. I should be quiet and be compliant and go with the flow, even if that meant getting hurt in the process. I am healing from seemingly small habits such as this-- habits that have forfeited, in some way or another, who I am and that have muffled the voice within me. I am finding this voice: not a rude, my-way-or-the-highway type, but a deep and genuine tool for which I share my heart and soul honestly in the midst of everyday life.

I think we all struggle in finding this voice. In school we're taught to "stand up for ourselves," but I still think those are poor words to describe what it means to speak from the place of your humanity. A place of truth.

So how do we do this? I don't know. I told you, I'm just now learning! But I do know that sharing yourself comes from a place of love and acceptance. If we have unhealed wounds and unresolved struggles in our lives, we will forever live from places of anger, hurt, and fear, and we will miss out on the beauty of trust, love, and grace.

I read this quote today and definitely think it fits:

"When we tell the truth, even the uncomfortable truth, the truth sets people free."

What uncomfortable truth do you need to tell today-- first to yourself, and then to others?

prep, then step

If any of you reading this have spoken with me recently, you are aware of my present life situation. I am in counseling (and beginning to think it should be a lifelong involvement), I am in a serious dating relationship, I am living in a new place, and as much change as I've had in the past 6-ish months, more change is on the way.

Can you believe it?

Just moved into a house with a quickly passing lease. Hopefully finding a job come June that lines up with not only my learned skills but my passions and beliefs as well. Mending relationships, building new friendships, and trying to discern when planning for marriage crosses over from convenience to a deep, honest commitment. Timing can be such a bugger.

I'm not sure what to think about my life some days. I've been told that I've lived in insecurity (outward and inward) for most of my life and I will continue to seek that-- which was said in a not so good way. I agree with this observation, but I'm not quite sure that I see it as a major hindrance. I know there is a part of my soul that would rather not get too attached to one place or one person. There are many broken parts of me that I've picked up and moved around so often in an attempt to avoid the painstaking focus that it would require to sit and put myself back together. I also truly know that I'm a wanderer on earth, that this is not my home, and I feel like there is too much to be done to be settled in one place. Oh, duality.

I have realized that I've convinced myself of my potential, my worth, the greatness placed inside of me, but now see that convincing myself is not the same as believing it and living from that belief. A lot of things have come crashing down. I find it so interesting that I am where I am. Abba has sure put up a fight for me--

a fight to tear down my deception, a fight to free me from the way I've always been. And He is the energy propelling me forward into a hopeful, beautiful future.

This process, though frightening and awful most days, is also providing space to dream. Sometimes I'm so focused on this day that I cannot bear to think of having to take on yet another day, but today is not one of those days. Today began badly-- I had to release anger, forgive and let myself be forgiven, all before 10 am. But as I walked briskly in this Edina neighborhood with Lulu and Lucy in tow, my heart was renewed. Fresh air does amazing things for me. Add this springtime warmth and a few cheery birds and I'm a new woman!

A woman who can't stop thinking about the possibilities of a life well lived. Dreams, ideas, and plans of purpose and intentional living are filling my mind and heart. I have learned so much about myself, and putting together who I am and who Kip is gives me such excitement. We're gonna change the world.

Many options lie before us and as hard as it is for me to talk about options without planning for them, I feel like it will be beneficial. There's the option of joining staff with YWAM, which would be challenging, adventurous, and would allow us to participate/ facilitate what we both think is uber important : discipleship. We've also dreamed of creating a specific discipleship experience that goes even more in depth with people in helping them discover their gifts, strengths, and passions in life. Kathy described it as a "gap year DTS." We are fiercely disturbed by the fact that our society doesn't really know what to do with people our age-- people seemingly too young and inexperienced to really contribute or who even know who they are-- so we're all told to go off and learn, yet are usually placed in environments that are far more destructive than educational. Counterproductive!

We are also very passionate about community-- living in close proximity with others, opening ourselves up to constant accountability, authenticity, love, and joy. It's been a recently repetitive conversation about the annoyance of suburbs. Not that they are evil or wrong, but for us, we don't want to feel cut off from the world ( which seems to be their intent ). We want to live in the nitty gritty, the sometimes dirty and uncomfortable, because that is true and that is hard. We don't want to miss out on the developmental experience of sharing life with those who are much different than ourselves. Small groups and corporate worship times just aren't enough for us. We want to daily grow and be an intimate part of the growth of others.

There is honestly so much that I feel called to ...

ministry to orphans, structural and health-oriented development for the poor, building relationships & providing care for the homeless, teaching & educating, being a voice to the privileged about the majority of our world population who are unprivileged and connecting those two opposites in genuine love and understanding and support.

This next one might seem a bit morbid, but I want others to come to a knowledge of the powerful hope in Christ, specifically in the face of death. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved and he speaks about our deaths as being a gift to those who knew us. He describes a mystical happening of our spirits and our memories still ministering even after we're gone. I thought this was really strange at first, but then I thought of people like Tiffany and Phil whose life values and purpose still encourage me today even though they died their physical deaths 4 years ago. I feel like I have a peace and a comfort about eternity that most do not possess, and I desire to communicate and share that in a way that brings hope to the hopeless and hurting.

The flip side to all of this is that I am just another person with big dreams and a big heart. I struggle with shame and defeat just like the next girl, but I am promised a full life in the midst of my broken reality. Although I have the willingness to dream, it takes much work and discipline to make these dreams happen. I daily must remind myself of truth-- the truth of His love and affection for me. I need to be still and know who He is, listening for and receiving His blessings, trusting His grace. That is what changes me. And that is what will change the world.

Maybe this weekend I will sit down and share with you about Nouwen's book. It's great & it's putting so much into a right perspective for me.

May you be filled this Thursday,

even to overflowing. Our God is great & greatly to be praised.

love!

authenticity

Preface:

holy guacamole, I love my community here. My heart is deeply, profoundly blessed by so many that make up this place that I continue to grow to love.

Our message last night at Upper Room was about willingness. Katie brought to life the story of the man with leprosy who humbled himself at the feet of Jesus and asked, Lord, if you are willing, You can make me clean. "Can" means being able to, having the power to. And of course, our loving and merciful King said yes. But even more noble than this God-man being willing to heal was the action of the sick man being willing to ask for the healing.

How many times do I shy away from Him because of fear that He can't, or won't? Too many to count, actually.

Our God is able. And willing. And His love never changes.

I wanted to dance like a crazy person when we sang His Love Never Fails because it's true and it's freeing and it's healing like nothing else!

"I don't have to be afraid, because I know that You love me. And Your love never fails."

[repeat to self]

We also did something that would probably be considered vulgar or "too open" in other communities. We sent texts to a phone number knowing that in a few minutes the secrets of our hearts would be displayed for everyone to read. It was anonymous and still very hard to do. We wrote, "If people knew _____ about me, then ____ ..."

This is communal authenticity. And the funny thing is, as those texts rolled across the walls and as my heart sank deeper into my chest, I realized the absurdness of our doubts and fears. So many of those secrets were my own. We all have so much in common, and it is a lie that we believe we will not be loved or accepted for who we really are. Because though we are different in many ways, in just as many ways we are exactly the same.

& He loves us.

So cheers to a Monday:

a day of grace, a day to be loved and to love

a day to rest in the knowing

a day to choose freedom from ourselves

a day to listen for Him and to look for Him

because when we seek, we find

when we listen,

we will hear His beautiful whisper.

beneath the willows

"Do not allow your harp to hang silently from the weeping willows (ps. 137:2)

but take it down and with a grateful heart do your best to make beautiful music.

Arise and sing His praise as each morning dawns, lifting up your notes of thanksgiving.

And may your songs follow each day's setting sun as well.

Encircle the earth with your praises, surrounding it with an atmosphere of melody,

and God Himself will hear from heaven and will accept your music."

Beautiful music is born from deep heartache.

Beautiful writing is formed from depressive minds.

Beautiful art is created by tortured souls.

Why is that? We watched Midnight in Paris (great movie!) and discussed this phenomenon. Some of the best artists/ poets/ writers throughout history were extremely unstable. Do you find that strange? Because I do.

Unless...

there truly is a beauty to be found through a suffering soul. This is a mild and somewhat incorrect example (because many of these such artists had mental problems and were possibly influenced by multiple not-so-healthy substances) but I find truth in it as well.

When a person is among "weeping willows," under the burden of grief and loss, yet chooses to pick up their harp and play, there is a strength and a power that I don't think we can recognize or see fully in this realm. I believe there is a spiritual affect that happens in the universe (is that too New Age-y?) when we choose to create beauty from our sadness, whether that's physical beauty or relational beauty. We can reach out and connect and produce change-- a change in ourselves and for the world around us.

This is something I want to be mindful of... creating instead of wallowing, loving amidst the lamenting; not secluding but opening and sharing myself, my heart.

We were made to worship, and I think the most beautiful worship comes from beneath the weeping willows.

I was with You last night and You caught my tears.

I saw the bottle where You store them-- each one a precious sign to You of my fragile, precious humanity, and my need for the ocean of love that is You.

You see me and You've memorized me. You know me, God.

You silently and strongly wade with me through the muck of my shame. At times, You pick me up and hold me above it, but You love me too much to just make it disappear.

You are forming me on the way. We are, together, struggling and working,

making more room for You in my heart.

This brings You joy. And this is what You've promised me:

those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy.

Sow in me the good things, the hard things, the beautiful things.

And help me to grow towards You.

this burden of hope

Can it be...

that those of us who are most hopeful are also aware of the most horrifying?

I read, almost daily, of individual stories around the world that are alarming, angering, even disgusting. And I sit and let them sink down into me. These are real. Someone like me has experienced this.

Oftentimes I even let myself feel their grief and pain. Not always, though. I just read an update sent from southern Sudan about a woman who has lived through so much physical and emotional pain. At the end of the email, the writer says, "I am privileged to carry an ounce of her story with me, and help her, at least through my prayers, to carry her burden of hope."

You see...

Hope is a gorgeous, glorious thing. But it is also a burden. Many are grieved without it and many are grieved because of it. This hope is a heaviness, a joy and a throbbing pain. I hope for myself and for others, yet still am not immune from the disease of despair in this world and in those around me. In my knowing that restoration is both here and on its way, I trudge through my life with two tired feet and a bright smile, with an aching heart and a soaring spirit. I hope for many things while maintaining an understanding of my reality. Even still... I hope. And hope is my anchor-- the grounding weight and the steadying force.

Most of the references to hope in the Bible are of a hope in life not on earth. The saints and the sinners looked beyond this struggling place to one of peace, rest, and eternity. They hoped in Jesus. They hoped in a future kingdom. They hoped in healing. We must hold onto hope for these same things, for life is a crap-hole without them.

Let's carry hope with us, sharing it freely and lovingly, even when people refuse it's wonderful weight. And let's ask Jesus, who daily bears all of our burdens, to carry us through.