j.O.y.

And more C.S. Lewis...

"I call it joy which is here a technical term and must sharply be distinguished both from happiness and from pleasure.

Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic in common with them-- the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world.

But then joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."

** What a powerful statement. I could physically feel the truth of those words when I read them (weird?). I have been on this mental processing route since the School of Social Justice last fall. We had a teaching on suffering, and it really challenged me to see it in a different light. Plus reading Katie Davis's blog on a regular basis will screw with your version of joy a little bit. Or a lot.

It's strange to me that our surroundings and culture have so much to do with how we view God and what we believe life is all about. Wouldn't it have been easier to just put this solid understanding of Him in the heart of every person, regardless of how they are raised and what they see and who teaches them?! But life is not about what is easy. Dangit.

So what about joy? The New Testament is teeming with phrases like "count it all joy when you suffer" and "blessed are those who are persecuted and hated because of Me," and so on. This doesn't make sense in my head. And when I let it sink into my heart, I usually cry. Both because I really like comfort and security and because I know it is my place and purpose to suffer with those who are suffering.

I know that kind of joy, though. And it doesn't feel good. But it is very real. It's almost like, once you experience true joy, you realize that the happiness and pleasure you've always surrounded yourself with is actually superficial and fake. It's quite a blow to your world and seems to ruin everything, when in reality it brings heaven to earth and helps you to see with more than your eyes that all this stuff doesn't actually matter. People are truly treasures hidden in clay pots, with hard lives and deep issues, and loving them is more than a command: it's truly a cause to give everything up for.

from Screwtape Letters:

"He cannot tempt to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand, and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles.

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

An example of suffering love to me-- looking at this broken world, feeling the pain and hate, and still believing that in all this crap, He is here. That His love conquers all. That even if I don't see it, I trust in His goodness and faithfulness.

Such joy can be found there in the believing without seeing.

And that's where I aspire to live my life.

let's pretend

C.S. Lewis's writings are a treasure to me...

" 'Our Father,' do you now see what those words mean? They mean quite frankly that you are putting yourself in the place of a son of God. To put it bluntly, you are dressing up as Christ. If you like, you are pretending.

Because, of course, the moment you realize what the words mean, you realize that you are not a son of God. You are not being like the Son of God whose will and interests are at one with those of the Father. You are a bundle of self-centered fears, hoped, greeds, jealousies, and self conceit, all doomed to death. So that, in a way, this dressing up as Christ is a piece of outrageous cheek. But the odd thing is that He has ordered us to do it.

Why? What is the good of pretending to be what you are not? Well, even on the human level you know there are two types of pretending. There is a bad kind where the pretense is there instead of the real thing. But there is also a good kind, where the pretense leads up to the real thing. When you are not feeling particularly friendly but know you ought to be, the best thing you can do, very often, is to put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. And in a few minutes, as we have all noticed, you will be really feeling friendlier than you were. Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. That is why children's games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown ups, but all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits so that the pretense of being grown up helps them to grow up in earnest.

... You no longer think simply about right and wrong; you are trying to catch the good infection from a Person. It is more like painting a portrait than like obeying a set of rules. And the odd thing is that while in one way it is much harder than keeping rules, in another way it is far easier.

The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself... He works on us in all sorts of ways, not only through what we think our 'religious life.' But above all, He works on us though each other. Men are like mirrors, or carriers, of Christ to other men.

And now we begin to see what the New Testament is always talking about. They mean that a real Person, here and now, is doing things to you. It is a living Man still as much a man as you and still as much God as He was when he created the world, really coming and interfering with your very self. Finally, if all goes well, turning you permanently into a different sort of thing, into a new little Christ, a being which in its own small way has the same life as God; which shares in His power, joy, knowledge, and eternity."

Mmmmm. I really love this! I have struggled with the word "hypocrite" in my life because of the anger and hatred that backs it. That word is usually not, dare I say, NEVER used with kindness or understanding. But this exert from Mere Christianity puts it in a new light for me. Admitting that I am a hypocrite in this way and with this analogy seems totally ok and even necessary to me. None of us are who we ought to be. Even by choosing to follow the example of Christ and live disciplined, intentional lives we still cannot, by our deeds and choices, become who we are supposed to be. We are playing dress up.

One of my favorite passages in the bible is Colossians 3 in The Message translation. Paul actually uses the dress up metaphor in describing how we are to put on the new wardrobe that God picked out for us: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. "And regardless of whatever else you put on, wear love. Never be without it."

So... maybe being a hypocrite isn't a terrible thing. Maybe it's a realistic (and biblical) view of who we are as simple people trying to keep in step with a very big and complex God. It's a freeing acceptance to me-- I am trying to be someone I'm not. When did that become such a bad thing?

& the Father says...

"Let Us treat her as if she was what, in fact, she is not. Let Us pretend in order to make the pretense into a reality."

behold,

a new creation.

[under construction]

About a boy

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

C.S. Lewis

Hmmm... where to begin? I am thoroughly enjoying life in a northern town. Summers are much, MUCH more enjoyable here. The people are extremely nice (the ones I've met, at least). I am living with such people-- so grateful to be on the receiving end of biblical hospitality! It's a huge part of my heart to practice this in my own life when I have a home that is mine to open up to strangers and wanderers. Amazing gift to experience! I feel His hand of blessing so heavy on my life. Very humbling. Very, very thankful.

Kip asked me once if I've blogged about him yet. I haven't. And I suppose it's time to!

I think it's because I can't quite put words to this time of life. It is completely foreign to me to be in a relationship. A real one. And yet it feels so natural. It's strange only when I think about it and compare my life up until now to where I am and what I am doing. I asked a friend before I left home if he thought I was crazy. He said yes, but then he brought up the point that since I graduated high school, I haven't stayed in one place for very long, I've traveled the world, so no... it's not really that crazy! Minus the fact that now it's about a boy.

I've asked Kip several times if he's sure about this. About me. Because though I seem to have it all together, most of the time I feel like a "small, emotionally disturbed child" to quote Julie & Julia (which we recently watched, which Kip really liked!). It's pretty amazing to be with someone and know that they adore you-- not just the you that other people know, but the you that often stays hidden and quiet and only comes out when it feels safe or is provoked. The good, the bad, and the ugly-- the tired, the annoyed, the overwhelmed. He's seen most of that by now and still calls me beautiful. And I feel the love of my Father.

It's a very interesting process to go through... I wish I had no fear, but somehow it's a blessing. I'm leaning on Him, clinging to the truth that no matter what happens, He has me. I am opening myself up to another person in a new & deeper way, which simultaneously teaches me to trust in the Lord and not in myself. It's exciting and fun and terrifying, much like my walk of faith thus far. I feel so blessed (I can't seem to find a better word!) to know a man with a heart like his. He probably wouldn't want me to tell this to the world, but I'm going to anyway. We biked to the Twins game last week and on our way home we stopped to chat with a homeless guy named James. Kip immediately asked him if he wanted a new shirt, and James was really confused! He was like, what are you doing? Why are you being so nice? And Kip gave him his Twins shirt. We hung around and listened to his stories for a bit, then walked the rest of the way home. It's especially in moments like that when I'm so blown away by his love for people. My favorite thing is being in conversations with others and watching him put all of his focus and attention on that person, in that moment. I both envy and appreciate that about him, because I don't feel like I love people that much.

I still have so much to learn about love, but it seems like we're on the right path. There's a reality that we don't complete each other-- that's Jesus. But we do compliment each other very well (example: in the library, he grabbed a baseball stats book while I was nearly crying over a Mother Teresa book. There has to be a balance there!)

So this is my life at the moment. I'm growing. I'm loving being in a new place with new people. It's oddly comfortable, while at the same time still very challenging. I miss my home community, but I know that I'll be back soon enough. I want to keep moving forward. There will always be an ache in my heart for what/who I've left behind, but God is so good. I can't get over how great life is. Even when circumstances aren't the greatest, life is such a beautiful gift.

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,

strike the bell & bide the danger

or wonder, till it drives you mad

what would have followed if you had..."