& you shall speak

Lately, as in the past year-ish, I have discovered a lot of passion inside of me. Mostly anger, honestly. Beloved friends and counselors have given me permission to feel, and let me tell you, the feelings tend to come like a raging stampede. Me being a quiet(er) person, I've never been fond of yelling or noise. But these feelings are apparently done being firmly stifled. How I am trying to "deal" seems better said by Elora,

"I would do anything sometimes for a piece of land big enough where no one else on the earth could hear what sounds want to come rushing from me. I would go out to that land and yell my lungs out against whatever sky happened to be hung in the atmosphere that day. Seriously, that's what my prayers look like sometimes - like someone has lost their freakin' mind."

Yes friend. Yes. Just like I've lost my freaking mind.

These words are a strange transition into the following words, which have been sitting in my draft section for a couple of months. The next part felt more telling and empowering for me in the wake of confessing that I sometimes feel like a crazy person. This kind of honesty and release seems logical, though. If only I had the space so no one else could hear me...
or maybe it's better if they do?


The following is a letter to myself :

Candice Mae Lyerla Jones,

You child, you woman, of the greatest and highest Love

you are your name's sake.

Unblemished
Shining
a crown of glory held by His hand

A gift
blessed
thrilled by all that He has done

You are an artist. You are skilled with words and have been given an overflowing heart of encouragement. Use it. Breathe deep and let beauty flow from your lips - let worship flow out like precious oil at His feet - let your heart bubble and spill over in adoration, finding its form in well punctuated sentences, poetry, and big vocabulary you only know because you used the online thesaurus. 
Pray without ceasing, especially when people ask you for it. Speak boldly and with heart, for he has enveloped your heart in his, and you know him.

Let also the hard truths come
the ones known only by felt pain, stabbing grief, and by suffering.
Know deep in your woven-together soul that these hard things are good. That all is grace in this life. Receive it with open hands, darling girl, and let it go with open hands, too.
Every moment is surrender.
Every breath is a profound gift.
Every person is crazy-loved.
See them.
See yourself.
It's all his glory. We're the glory.
The earth is full of it - we must see and respond, being gentle and careful with this creation-gift.

Listen to your favorite quotes, ones that say things like

"Know who you are and use what you have been given to speak to the world."
&
"Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you."

Let your mind be like those intricate, handmade dream-catchers you always coveted as a child. The ones with turquoise and feathers that hung so whimsically in the air and kept watch over you -- filtering the bad things and welcoming the good
and helping you rest.
Keep watch, dearest. Listen only to love and grace.
You need this. You are capable of this.
The other stuff
the shame stuff
just doesn't matter anymore.
You have limited time. Let none of it be wasted in sulking or brooding.
Climb out of your armor and expose yourself.
This is freedom. This is life well lived.


So stand up
stand up, you dreamer.
Pay attention to the deep things of your heart that call out to you;
that remind you of where you came from
who you belong to
what you are made for.
Listen to the people who show up in your literal dreams
like the angelic man who passed by you that one night
and who said,
"I am from both worlds, just like you."
Capture these dream moments and hold them like whispers from heaven
hold them close like they can teach you the mysteries of the universe
because they can.



You are not of this world, Candice Mae,
yet you are here
living, breathing, and forever altering it.
Remember the timelessness you were designed for.
Remember that you are more than flesh and bones.

And in the moments of fear
(because fear will never cease)
rest in Sister G's words:

"but I also know that scared and sacred are almost the same word, and often the same experience."

Honor the sacred that is often cloaked in the scared and the ordinary. Be brave with yourself, for you are like an endless cave to be explored. Listen to your sisters and brothers who have traveled into the depths and who also desire to become softer, to unfold, to offer peace. You know that you are a peacemaker. You delight when there is joy and laughter, you long for the pure and the lovely, but please don't run from the messy and broken.

Believe the best. Believe that everything that is said and done to you is somehow a cry for love
& then simply respond.


In your small, broken heart
child,
let this seemingly impossible love
this blinding light
shine.

Stop for the one.
Smile at the one.


Let your life bloom and blossom

 and then invite everyone in.

on the way,

C

Dear Wilderness :

Be at your best. Her armor is thin as the fabric of her dress. I know the rules ... the weaker trees bend. But make her immune when your temper storms in.

When she gains her balance, be as still as you can be. When she's climbing branches, be the feathers underneath.

When she regains her balance, be as steady as she needs. When she trusts you blindly, be her worthy lock & key.

Though it goes against every grain of your sand - like turning wolves into lambs - be your best for her.
Your best for her.

& when she finds her balance,
be as gentle as she needs.

When she shines her brightest,
let no dark cloud intervene.



[ speaking to me ]

-sleeping at last-

"Sometimes I think dreams are like this,
cocooned in wombs which others may mistake for graves.
But we know.
We know the dream is just forming, waiting, maturing. We know that it is not there due to procrastination. It is there due to our careful nurturing, mothering, protecting.

And when we are alone
we rub tender fingers over the swollen creative womb
and say,
'All in good time, my dear. All in good time.'

We say 'seize the day' but sometimes even in the seizing some things just aren't ready to be birthed.
We trust the tension,
and check every now and again to make sure that little fetus heart is still about the business of beating. We are resolute and calm as we trust our motherly intuition.

As the woman I spoke to said, "It'll happen."


-Mandy-

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