[ side note: I started this blog in December ... I loved reading & thinking these thoughts again, and adding some here & now things as well.]
"but here
in the meantime
may the unknown harvest life."
-sleeping at last-
sometimes I really enjoy thinking of my life as a movie.
like right now....
staring at a photo of two brazilian beauties, arms wrapped around mine, one kissing my cheek, me grinning like a girl who knew exactly where she was meant to be in that moment - remembering all the wonderful gifts and miracles that came together to allow me to excitedly board that plane with 8 other friends... this would be a movie-moment:
you know when there is that moment of slow, soft, instrumental music, the camera panning in on the character in deep thought. Often these moments are towards the end of the film. Sometimes it's immediately following an adventure, and sometimes it's a few years after. The movie shows you a bit of the character's life - where they are now, what's different or very much the same about them. There seems to be these key moments of reflection that give you a glimpse of their inner longings - for a person or for the adventure they were once caught up in.
Right now,
staring out my window at the beautiful downtown scene, snow falling and the to-do list growing, I wonder how this movie moment would play out for me. I'm reflecting on this past adventure of loving Brazilian children and working to reclaim their innocence and their heart; longing for those mile-long walks to and from the place where they lived - walks to and from the murky Amazon water that welcomed us on a stifling hot day.
Maybe I'm sitting here, thinking how wonderful my life was then and how much I'd love to return.
And maybe I'm simply remembering and appreciating.
Remembering the glory of trips and passports and not having to worry about returning phone calls, answering urgent emails, text messages, or facebook comments.
Maybe I'm simply remembering a different life
and a different me,
appreciating who I am now in view of the journey I have been on, knowing that people change - I have changed - and I am moving forward, always.
In movies, sometimes the character goes back for their past adventure or their past lover, and sometimes they don't.
Sometimes, the best ending to their story is the simple fact that you were able to be a part of it - you saw them grow, you saw them make hard decisions and mistakes. And you saw them move on. You watched them as they kept going.
And here, in moments that could change life's direction, (as each moment could), sometimes it impresses your heart more when the character chooses to enter into these changes and this new life; a life that seems less than, but is actually just different than.
Sometimes I appreciate the character's development and current commitment more than I would enjoy seeing them go back to what they used to know.
Enter: Candice's current (slash ongoing) journey.
like right now....
staring at a photo of two brazilian beauties, arms wrapped around mine, one kissing my cheek, me grinning like a girl who knew exactly where she was meant to be in that moment - remembering all the wonderful gifts and miracles that came together to allow me to excitedly board that plane with 8 other friends... this would be a movie-moment:
you know when there is that moment of slow, soft, instrumental music, the camera panning in on the character in deep thought. Often these moments are towards the end of the film. Sometimes it's immediately following an adventure, and sometimes it's a few years after. The movie shows you a bit of the character's life - where they are now, what's different or very much the same about them. There seems to be these key moments of reflection that give you a glimpse of their inner longings - for a person or for the adventure they were once caught up in.
Right now,
staring out my window at the beautiful downtown scene, snow falling and the to-do list growing, I wonder how this movie moment would play out for me. I'm reflecting on this past adventure of loving Brazilian children and working to reclaim their innocence and their heart; longing for those mile-long walks to and from the place where they lived - walks to and from the murky Amazon water that welcomed us on a stifling hot day.
Maybe I'm sitting here, thinking how wonderful my life was then and how much I'd love to return.
And maybe I'm simply remembering and appreciating.
Remembering the glory of trips and passports and not having to worry about returning phone calls, answering urgent emails, text messages, or facebook comments.
Maybe I'm simply remembering a different life
and a different me,
appreciating who I am now in view of the journey I have been on, knowing that people change - I have changed - and I am moving forward, always.
In movies, sometimes the character goes back for their past adventure or their past lover, and sometimes they don't.
Sometimes, the best ending to their story is the simple fact that you were able to be a part of it - you saw them grow, you saw them make hard decisions and mistakes. And you saw them move on. You watched them as they kept going.
And here, in moments that could change life's direction, (as each moment could), sometimes it impresses your heart more when the character chooses to enter into these changes and this new life; a life that seems less than, but is actually just different than.
Sometimes I appreciate the character's development and current commitment more than I would enjoy seeing them go back to what they used to know.
Enter: Candice's current (slash ongoing) journey.
"She is a dreamer,
a doer,
a thinker.
She sees possibility everywhere."
This here journal sits on my desk at work as a reminder of who I once was and who I continually want to be - someone who never wants to feel stuck where she is: who has the deep soul conviction that each moment of life is wondrous and purposeful, full of potential and possibility. Someone who wants to dream as well as do here and now, and most importantly, someone who wants to be -- be present, be aware, be here now.
Someone who never forgets that it's all about the journey and who I am becoming.
And there is so much beauty in the becoming.
Erase the shoulds.
Ignore the better-thans and constant pull towards judgement and comparison.
And live your life.
"Live on. And be yourself," as Macklemore says.
The tension is here. The struggle between my heartbeat-passion and the everyday grind of living and giving and loving will always be here, too. I'm eternally grateful for the affirmation and encouragement I discover in the words of others. Like Sleeping at Last who sings :
"let's stay the course and let the tension make us new
I don't know if it's virtue
I don't know if it's just dumb luck
would it matter if it was?
What if we welcomed change in or openend up just enough
to let it begin?
'the doors will open wide for you'
it was said just like it was the truth
if we walk right through..."
Life is happening, people.
& I want to be all in -- all thankful, all intentional, all at peace.
As I often repeat : all is grace.
Let's live on.
