j.O.y.

And more C.S. Lewis...

"I call it joy which is here a technical term and must sharply be distinguished both from happiness and from pleasure.

Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic in common with them-- the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world.

But then joy is never in our power and pleasure often is."

** What a powerful statement. I could physically feel the truth of those words when I read them (weird?). I have been on this mental processing route since the School of Social Justice last fall. We had a teaching on suffering, and it really challenged me to see it in a different light. Plus reading Katie Davis's blog on a regular basis will screw with your version of joy a little bit. Or a lot.

It's strange to me that our surroundings and culture have so much to do with how we view God and what we believe life is all about. Wouldn't it have been easier to just put this solid understanding of Him in the heart of every person, regardless of how they are raised and what they see and who teaches them?! But life is not about what is easy. Dangit.

So what about joy? The New Testament is teeming with phrases like "count it all joy when you suffer" and "blessed are those who are persecuted and hated because of Me," and so on. This doesn't make sense in my head. And when I let it sink into my heart, I usually cry. Both because I really like comfort and security and because I know it is my place and purpose to suffer with those who are suffering.

I know that kind of joy, though. And it doesn't feel good. But it is very real. It's almost like, once you experience true joy, you realize that the happiness and pleasure you've always surrounded yourself with is actually superficial and fake. It's quite a blow to your world and seems to ruin everything, when in reality it brings heaven to earth and helps you to see with more than your eyes that all this stuff doesn't actually matter. People are truly treasures hidden in clay pots, with hard lives and deep issues, and loving them is more than a command: it's truly a cause to give everything up for.

from Screwtape Letters:

"He cannot tempt to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand, and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles.

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

An example of suffering love to me-- looking at this broken world, feeling the pain and hate, and still believing that in all this crap, He is here. That His love conquers all. That even if I don't see it, I trust in His goodness and faithfulness.

Such joy can be found there in the believing without seeing.

And that's where I aspire to live my life.

let's pretend

C.S. Lewis's writings are a treasure to me...

" 'Our Father,' do you now see what those words mean? They mean quite frankly that you are putting yourself in the place of a son of God. To put it bluntly, you are dressing up as Christ. If you like, you are pretending.

Because, of course, the moment you realize what the words mean, you realize that you are not a son of God. You are not being like the Son of God whose will and interests are at one with those of the Father. You are a bundle of self-centered fears, hoped, greeds, jealousies, and self conceit, all doomed to death. So that, in a way, this dressing up as Christ is a piece of outrageous cheek. But the odd thing is that He has ordered us to do it.

Why? What is the good of pretending to be what you are not? Well, even on the human level you know there are two types of pretending. There is a bad kind where the pretense is there instead of the real thing. But there is also a good kind, where the pretense leads up to the real thing. When you are not feeling particularly friendly but know you ought to be, the best thing you can do, very often, is to put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are. And in a few minutes, as we have all noticed, you will be really feeling friendlier than you were. Very often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. That is why children's games are so important. They are always pretending to be grown ups, but all the time, they are hardening their muscles and sharpening their wits so that the pretense of being grown up helps them to grow up in earnest.

... You no longer think simply about right and wrong; you are trying to catch the good infection from a Person. It is more like painting a portrait than like obeying a set of rules. And the odd thing is that while in one way it is much harder than keeping rules, in another way it is far easier.

The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself... He works on us in all sorts of ways, not only through what we think our 'religious life.' But above all, He works on us though each other. Men are like mirrors, or carriers, of Christ to other men.

And now we begin to see what the New Testament is always talking about. They mean that a real Person, here and now, is doing things to you. It is a living Man still as much a man as you and still as much God as He was when he created the world, really coming and interfering with your very self. Finally, if all goes well, turning you permanently into a different sort of thing, into a new little Christ, a being which in its own small way has the same life as God; which shares in His power, joy, knowledge, and eternity."

Mmmmm. I really love this! I have struggled with the word "hypocrite" in my life because of the anger and hatred that backs it. That word is usually not, dare I say, NEVER used with kindness or understanding. But this exert from Mere Christianity puts it in a new light for me. Admitting that I am a hypocrite in this way and with this analogy seems totally ok and even necessary to me. None of us are who we ought to be. Even by choosing to follow the example of Christ and live disciplined, intentional lives we still cannot, by our deeds and choices, become who we are supposed to be. We are playing dress up.

One of my favorite passages in the bible is Colossians 3 in The Message translation. Paul actually uses the dress up metaphor in describing how we are to put on the new wardrobe that God picked out for us: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. "And regardless of whatever else you put on, wear love. Never be without it."

So... maybe being a hypocrite isn't a terrible thing. Maybe it's a realistic (and biblical) view of who we are as simple people trying to keep in step with a very big and complex God. It's a freeing acceptance to me-- I am trying to be someone I'm not. When did that become such a bad thing?

& the Father says...

"Let Us treat her as if she was what, in fact, she is not. Let Us pretend in order to make the pretense into a reality."

behold,

a new creation.

[under construction]

About a boy

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."

C.S. Lewis

Hmmm... where to begin? I am thoroughly enjoying life in a northern town. Summers are much, MUCH more enjoyable here. The people are extremely nice (the ones I've met, at least). I am living with such people-- so grateful to be on the receiving end of biblical hospitality! It's a huge part of my heart to practice this in my own life when I have a home that is mine to open up to strangers and wanderers. Amazing gift to experience! I feel His hand of blessing so heavy on my life. Very humbling. Very, very thankful.

Kip asked me once if I've blogged about him yet. I haven't. And I suppose it's time to!

I think it's because I can't quite put words to this time of life. It is completely foreign to me to be in a relationship. A real one. And yet it feels so natural. It's strange only when I think about it and compare my life up until now to where I am and what I am doing. I asked a friend before I left home if he thought I was crazy. He said yes, but then he brought up the point that since I graduated high school, I haven't stayed in one place for very long, I've traveled the world, so no... it's not really that crazy! Minus the fact that now it's about a boy.

I've asked Kip several times if he's sure about this. About me. Because though I seem to have it all together, most of the time I feel like a "small, emotionally disturbed child" to quote Julie & Julia (which we recently watched, which Kip really liked!). It's pretty amazing to be with someone and know that they adore you-- not just the you that other people know, but the you that often stays hidden and quiet and only comes out when it feels safe or is provoked. The good, the bad, and the ugly-- the tired, the annoyed, the overwhelmed. He's seen most of that by now and still calls me beautiful. And I feel the love of my Father.

It's a very interesting process to go through... I wish I had no fear, but somehow it's a blessing. I'm leaning on Him, clinging to the truth that no matter what happens, He has me. I am opening myself up to another person in a new & deeper way, which simultaneously teaches me to trust in the Lord and not in myself. It's exciting and fun and terrifying, much like my walk of faith thus far. I feel so blessed (I can't seem to find a better word!) to know a man with a heart like his. He probably wouldn't want me to tell this to the world, but I'm going to anyway. We biked to the Twins game last week and on our way home we stopped to chat with a homeless guy named James. Kip immediately asked him if he wanted a new shirt, and James was really confused! He was like, what are you doing? Why are you being so nice? And Kip gave him his Twins shirt. We hung around and listened to his stories for a bit, then walked the rest of the way home. It's especially in moments like that when I'm so blown away by his love for people. My favorite thing is being in conversations with others and watching him put all of his focus and attention on that person, in that moment. I both envy and appreciate that about him, because I don't feel like I love people that much.

I still have so much to learn about love, but it seems like we're on the right path. There's a reality that we don't complete each other-- that's Jesus. But we do compliment each other very well (example: in the library, he grabbed a baseball stats book while I was nearly crying over a Mother Teresa book. There has to be a balance there!)

So this is my life at the moment. I'm growing. I'm loving being in a new place with new people. It's oddly comfortable, while at the same time still very challenging. I miss my home community, but I know that I'll be back soon enough. I want to keep moving forward. There will always be an ache in my heart for what/who I've left behind, but God is so good. I can't get over how great life is. Even when circumstances aren't the greatest, life is such a beautiful gift.

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger,

strike the bell & bide the danger

or wonder, till it drives you mad

what would have followed if you had..."

Tookish

"Is it possible that God's dream for human destiny is more than just believing a message?

What if He is inviting us to participate in some kind of divine quest?"

There's something Tookish in all of us...

Call me a nerd. Go ahead. But I get so inspired when I watch Lord of the Rings! Return of the King was on tv, and I was reminded of why I used to watch those movies over and over (on VHS).

I somehow identify with Frodo at the end, when all is said and done and he returns to the Shire & to all that is comfortable and known. He says, "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I seem to live in that very kind of tension. I've seen what many have not, and I have yet to see what many have. There is no going back for me-- no rest in riches, no peace in prosperity. I am constantly burdened for the world that is so far removed from what I know and what I see in my daily life. There is a burden that I carry that few truly understand.

Though I'm following His path the best I know how, I still know that it's my decisions and choices that keep me where I am; in the normalcy, in the easy.

Tolkien writes, about Bilbo Baggins, "Something Tookish woke up inside him and he wished to go and see the great mountains and hear the pine-trees and waterfalls... and wear a sword instead of a walking stick."

I'm afraid something Tookish woke inside of me a long time ago. And yet here I am. It's so difficult to realize that adventure lies wherever we wish to acknowledge it. Very often, it lies hidden in the mundane, the everyday things, and some of us (like me) so easily overlook it because our hearts and minds are on things elsewhere. I ache when I think of not being able to travel. I can't explain why, it's just what I want to do. What I feel like I should do. And at the same time, it's a blessing and an honor to be anywhere, to just be living and doing life with people.

Tension.

Can you feel it?

I sure do.

"My dear Sam, you cannot always be torn in two; you will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy, and to be, and to do. Your part in this story will go on."

Precisely what I need to hear. Words of promise to my restless, torn soul. Just be.

And dare to dream big dreams. There's more to this story.

"I think there is something in us that wants to be part of saving the world...

We can be spiritual pioneers, adventurers who dare to explore what a life fully committed to God can really look like."

--Ed Gungor

Wishlist

A quick note:

Dear Etsy, get thee far from me! Not really, because I'm thoroughly enjoying spending afternoons and evenings getting lost in your handmade jewels and vintage treasures. Ohh lala!

I find myself getting inspired in a new-ish way. I'm not a crafty type, but I really appreciate those who are. Etsy is my new weakness. I am very thankful that I have neither the financial backing nor the house ownership needed to purchase the wonderful things I find.

However, I want to share a few of my favorite finds, more on the affordable side, from random sites and such. In time, I might invest!

Mmmm coffee

[Love this website! Check out their products & read about the many different organizations they are supporting. Fav quote: "We aren't asking you to buy more stuff, just change the products that you already buy." Let's move from being convenient shoppers to conscious & responsible consumers. This is my goal!]

Tumbler Cup

[Have you read Katie Davis's blog? You should. It's listed in my favorite sites. This is the organization that partners with her: 147 Million Orphans. I love the hearts of these women-- adoption! And, I find myself reusing my venti Starbucks cups over and over for iced water. Why not use one of these?]

Spend Wisely

[My Etsy fetish here. I really like this lady's store! I think it's ironic that I would be willing to spend $15 on a checkbook cover that says "spend wisely." Is it worth it? It's SO cute!]

Do gooder

[I've had my eye on this shirt for a while now. Really like the design, colors, & Desmond Tutu quote on the back. And Land of a Thousand Hills is one of my favorite organizations!]

Press It

[This has been on my mind... I think I will label it a temptation. But maybe since I'm moving, I could use it? Yeah? I'm just making excuses. I want it!]

Bookworm

[Here's my Amazon.com wishlist. I go through books like crazy. My mom constantly scolds me for not using the FREE library. I tell her that I like to write in them and keep them as long as I want, and then have the freedom to give them away if I so choose. It's gotten out of control at times. I should really go to the library more often.]

Artsy fartsy

[I wish I was a painter. The truth is: my sister inherited that talent. So for people like me, who so desire to be artsy but end up ruining most things when they try, they made wall decals! Wooooooo! I think trees are so lovely. What a fun room!]

Dress me up

[Old school/ vintage stuff has captivated me. And dresses are just fun! & breezy.]

Bag lady

[I really have a lot of bags, but specifically have been wanting to find a longer, messenger-type purse. I have yet to find one in a normal store that I love, and I would much rather spend a little more on something like this-- handmade by these lovely women.

Ok, enough treasure-hunting for now. I'm peeling myself away from the computer now full of endless possibilities of finding precious, creative things that express my style and life perfectly. Until next time!

take the world

Beloved child of the Most High God

your hour has come.

"What are you afraid of? Let God act. Abandon yourself to Him. You will suffer, but you will suffer with love, peace, and consolation. You will fight, but you can carry off the victory & God Himself will crown you with His own hand. You will weep, but your tears will be sweet, and God Himself will come with satisfaction to dry them."

--Francois Fenelon

Take the world, but give me Jesus.

full words. bitter & sweet. afflicting and freeing. I sit here, tears streaming, suffering with others, fighting within myself. Discovering the depths of life, the expansion of a heart. I want it to be all for Him.

"In that lonely place, no friend can go, no brother can help, no loved one can know. I must crawl on while you stay-- further still, just watch and pray. In that lonely place the cup is fought to sip the pain or choose my lot; to claim my rights or cast them down, to gain my loss or scorn my crown. Life pivots there in further still, face to the ground, fighting His will. Can't choose to return the same who went, once further still the old is spent...

There's so much more to Him and to the life He's given us than we have yet discovered. So, with that in mind, let's you and I go further still."

--Beth Moore

O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee.

I give thee back the life I owe,

that in thine ocean depths

its flow may richer, fuller be.

my life, it's not my own.

I know it's Yours.

O light that follows all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to thee.

My heart restores its borrowed ray,

that in thy sunshine’s blaze

its day may brighter, fairer be.

so light a fire in my heart

and I'll burn for you.

O Joy that seeks me through the pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee.

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

and feel the promise is not in vain,

that morn shall tearless be.

So annoint me with joy,

and joyful I will be.

O Cross that lifts up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from thee.

I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

and from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be

and we will sing holy, holy

is the King of kings.

one thing remains

The love of God is greater far

than tongue or pen can ever tell;

it goes beyond the highest star,

& reaches to the lowest hell;

The guilty pair, bowed down with care,

God gave His Son to win;

His erring child He reconciled,

you & I pardoned from our sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!

It shall forevermore endure

how measureless and strong

the saints’ and angels’ song we sing

Holy, holy.

When ancient times shall pass away,

And earthly thrones & kingdoms fall,

When men here refuse to pray,

On rocks and hills and mountains call,

God’s love so sure will still endure

all measureless and strong;

Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—

shall be the saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

Were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above

would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!

It shall forevermore endure

How measureless and strong!

The saints’ and angels’ song we sing...

Holy, holy.

The love of God, hymn

though fallen low, He raises us up

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

out of chaos life is being found

in You.

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust.

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us.

from Redeeming Love:

"I'm going to need to your help," Angel said to Johnathan.

"First I have to tell you what happened today."

She told them about meeting Torie and lunching with her. She told them of the young prostitute's dejection and hopelessness and how she had felt the same way for so many years.

"She could have had a job with Virgil if she had known how to cook. As it is, he was kind enough to let her stay if I'd go down and work with her for the next few weeks until she knows what to do. She's quick, she'll be able to handle things on her own in no time."

"You're losing us," Jonathan said. The girl was so excited that she was making little sense.

"Torie said if she could find a way out, she'd take it. Virgil asked if she could cook and she said no. And it came to me, right there in Virgil's! Why not?"

"Why not what?!" Susanna said, exasperated. "You're making no sense."

"Why not give her a way out," Angel said. "Teach her to cook. Teach her to sew. Teach her to make hats. Teach her anything that would give her another way to make a living. Jonathan, I want to buy a house where someone like Torie can come and be safe and learn to earn her own living without selling her body to do it."

Jonathan grew thoughtful. "I have some friends who might help. How much do you think you'll need to get started?"

... Another look at Angel and he knew he couldn't say no and blot out the look of hope and purpose in her eyes. "We'll see to it tomorrow morning."

Oh, God. The sudden insight hurt. I'm going to lose her after all. Not to a wild young zealot, but to Angel and others like her.

He wanted his daughter married and settled with children of her own. He wanted her in a house close by so she could come visit frequently.

He watched Susanna pace back and forth, plans gushing forth like a fountain. Angel was laughing and tossing in her own ideas, one on top of the other. They were both so beautiful, it was hard to look at them. Light shining in the darkness.

Jonathan closed his eyes. Oh, God. It's not the way I had things planned.

But then, what of real, lasting value ever is?

First of all, if you have not read this book, YOU MUST! This is my 3rd or 4th time to read it, and it is even better (and harder) to read this time. To give you a very, very brief overview of the story, Angel is a prostitute who was sold at the age of 8 and lived a life of constant fear, abuse, and degradation. I will not tell you how, but she was rescued, out of her physical surroundings and out of the darkness and horrors of her own soul. It is a beautiful, tragic, hopeful story. Seriously, read it.

This part I wrote is towards the very end of the book. I cried when I read it, like I was hearing the revelation, excitement, and purpose from the heart of one of my very own friends. Angel decides to use the pain of her past to help change the futures of others. How amazing. It reminded me of how I know both the desperation of searching for what I should be doing, what specific plan He has dreamed for me, while at the same time experiencing the joy of knowing parts and pieces of the plan and taking steps to follow His leading. All the while, the entirety of the plan eludes me, which makes life even more frustrating and exciting!

I keep feeling Him break my heart. It's all too wonderful for words... and simultaneously one of the scariest, most difficult things to experience. But is this not what we were made for? This stirring in my heart is uncomfortable. I long to go and do the things He has laid upon this broken, bleeding heart, but they are things that will cost everything. Sometimes I think I am such a crazy person for caring so much, crying so much, being this in love with a God I cannot see and am unable to fathom. Ok, I really think I am a crazy person, but in some strange way it's starting to make sense to me. This faith explains so much, while still leaving so much to question. But I feel the weight of it's truth and I see the evidence of evil and I experience the hope of resurrection. It's all too real now to turn back. Oh God, help me.

Help me to be as courageous and bold as Angel, to let You use whatever You find in me-- whatever You have formed in me for such a time as this. I am willing.

"Love the Lord your God and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion, and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life."