As our own. As ourselves.

I hated my life since the third grade when I was unmercifully beaten. I felt then that life is lost and death is looking for me. And my tears were telling me that life is nothing in comparison with death. I felt like a little cockroach which responds to fear when seen.

A bunch of American people came to our school. I thought these people wanted to laugh at us. But I was mistaken. They are people willing to give up the most precious gift a person can possess: love.

Their intentions to share seemed strange as they had their own kids.

But these people have such big hearts to give

that there is still enough room

even for us little cockroaches.

For those of you who have been following my life as of late, you most likely have realized some reoccurring themes. Love. Faith. Justice. Serving. Compassion. Action. I've come into deeper heart, head, and life knowledge of these words. They are synonymous yet can be seen so differently and shown in many different ways. It's all still a very big mystery to me... how I'm even here right now thinking about these marvelous ideals, which are more than ideals, they are pieces that make up the very identity and character and Being that is our God. Too wonderful for words. I have yet to know why I even try to write about it!

Tonight I want to share something that has been so very heavy upon my heart these past few months: adoption. Only the Lord Himself can put such a burden and passion and desire in someone's heart, and it seems that this desire is growing by the day. No, by the minute! I was given the indescribably great opportunity to spend my weekend with a group from Romania. I will not call them orphans, because they are not. At least not anymore. They now reside at a beautiful place called Caminul Felix. This organization took on the much needed task of rescuing children from the streets and abusive/ neglected home situations, and has placed them in homes. Real homes. With a real, loving family. I don't think I have ever had people bless my heart as much as these! Though the language was messy, they were so much fun to be with. I could go on and on about them, really. Looking at their faces, their laughter, wondering where they might be or who they might be had someone not stepped in to save them. That thought brings tears to my eyes. You would have to meet these precious ones for yourself to understand how absolutely delightful they are! And to think... just because they were in situations beyond themselves, they could have had their very lives taken from them because no one cared enough to be the hands and feet of Jesus. That blows my mind.

Which brings me to the book, Fields of the Fatherless, by Tom Davis. I bought this book several weeks, if not months ago. The Lord and His timing-- so brilliant. I will, of course, share some of his words with you:

"In this world, you are an orphan-- eagerly anticipating your adoption as God's child.

In this world, you are a widow-- longing for reunion with your Bridegroom.

In this world, you are a stranger-- a pilgrim waiting to become a citizen of heaven.

And in this world, God has called you to care for the orphan, the widow, and the stranger."

"... All she & the other little girl wanted was the chance to have a family... I decided right then in that orphanage that I would do whatever I could to help orphaned boys and girls around the world who were hoping against hope that someone would love them."

"One of the best definitions of justice I've heard is implied by the definition of it's opposite: evil."

"When it comes to caring for the people on God's heart, indifference is a sin."

"God gave us the responsibility to care for the defenseless. It's through our hands that the Father's love touches, it is through our voices that His voice is heard, it is through our efforts and those of the church that His care is revealed to the ones the rest of the world has forgotten."

"Why do so many of us look for the easy way out, for a way to be let off the hook rather than living out of our compassion?... Once the words of Scripture are illuminated, the truth of what they say doesn't allow me to make excuses."

"Can you remember what it was like to not know the peace of God, to face your days alone? ... Your gratitude will make you sensitive to the needs of others-- you can't help by feel compassion and act on it."

"The great news is that a sacrificial life is the freest way to live. A sacrificial, giving life is a life filled with the most meaning and significance. And it's the life Jesus blesses. "

"We see Jesus in the eyes of the poor because we see in them who we really are. We are able to have genuine compassion as Christ had compassion on us, because we see ourselves."

"Well guess what... true joy doesn't always come through the things that give us warm fuzzies!"

*Heb. 12:2

"If only 7% of professing Christians around the world responded, every single orphan in the world would have a home."

"The word compassion is derived from the Latin words 'pati' and 'cum' which together mean 'to suffer with.' Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion requires us to be weak with the weak, vulnerable with the vulnerable, and powerless with the powerless. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human."

"How do we overcome fear? We start by making others' pain a priority in our lives. People are eternal; fear is not."

"He is here, with you. As you walk through the fields of the fatherless, your light will break forth like the morning and the life you live with no longer seem mundane and meaningless. Instead, every minute will be filled with joy, purpose, and significance."

"So what does God look like?

He looks like the Romanian orphan who doesn't have a hope in the world unless someone enters his life and reveals to him the love of the Father. He looks like the little girl in Africa who has no father, who has watched her mother's body being ravaged by AIDS for the last five years, and has been crying over and kissing her since she took her last breath about ten minutes ago. Now she has nobody, she's only seven, and she's standing all alone on a dirt road as they carry her mother away.

He looks like the struggling single mother who is hanging on by an emotional thread. She is mother, father, protector, and provider, and to top it all off, she has to leave the child she loves so much in the hands of a stranger all day just so she can work and put food on the table.

Oh, look! Another glimpse of God. Do you see Him in the eyes of that young Palestinian student who left his family to study in America. He's isolated, a stranger. And in need of someone to show Him what the real love of God feels like.

... Will you do what it takes to minister to Him? For the joy set before you, search for the treasure in earthen vessels. When you do, you'll find Christ Himself."

Because you saw the face of Jesus in the face of the lost and lonely,

God will see His Son in your eyes.

Because you cared most about what He cares about,

God will recognize you as His faithful partner.

And because you made every effort to express the Father's love, even the smallest deeds you did for the least of these will count greatly for all eternity.

so I'll sing You a love song.

Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. (gal.5)

"May my life be the song of Your love."

I've been at loss for words here lately. Very odd, considering I usually can form any one thought into a multi-paragraphed blog entry. I don't know the cause. I think I am overwhelmed, really. Nervous. Excited. Thrilled. Scared. Intimidated. So very happy. I am a big, huge, conglomeration of emotions! I am taking a new step. Though it is not technically new, I have been there before, but it's a new direction. And though this direction terrifies me, I cannot escape it. It's in my thoughts, my dreams, my words-- my whole life feels engulfed by the cries of the hurting. They are everywhere, you know. Have you seen them lately? I spoke with them today. I offered her a ride, I played with his dog, I told her thank you and to have a great day. The hurting. The broken. The people. Though it does not take a Ywam school or a college education to know how to help and encourage people, I believe it is a blessing. And it is a learning experience of other people's stories and how they live to help and encourage others, just as I feel I should.

I was told today that I was "glowing" as I shared with an old friend the direction I feel God moving me towards. It reminds me of how people often compliment about the glow of expecting mothers or newlyweds. I am expecting: expecting God to teach me, humble me, show me more of His heart, show me more of how I carry His heart in mine. I may not be married, but I am very much in-love: in-love with Him who is the greatest of all lovers, a Light to the world, a Father to the fatherless-- Him whose name is above every name. I don't know much about the love of a man, because this Love is more than I could ever ask for or need. And I want my life to be spent by giving away my love. His love in me.

"But I am very sure of God. I trust His love... In Him & with Him, I can do all He wants me to do."

"I know what I want is above my strength, but He who has given me the desire will also give me strength to do the impossible."

"Do we see Him in using our eyes, mind, and heart as His own? Are we so given to Him that we find His eyes look through ours, His tongue speaking, His hands working, His feet walking, His heart loving? Do we really see only Jesus in us?"

"His ways are so beautiful... to think that we have God Almighty to stoop so low as to love you & me and make use of us. As I grow older, my wonder at His humility grows more and more, and I love Him not for what He gives, but for what He is..."

"Keep giving Jesus to your people-- not by words, but by your example, by your being in-love with Jesus, by radiating His holiness and spreading His fragrance of love everywhere you go. Just keep the joy of Jesus as your strength..."

"It is such a beautiful thought for us, and a conviction, that you and I can be that love and compassion. We need to tell the poor that they are somebody to us. That they, too, have been created by the same loving hand of God- to love and be loved."

~ Mother Teresa

So how can I thank You?

What can I bring?

What can these poor hands

lay at the feet of a King?

I'll sing You a love song

It's all that I have

to tell You I'm grateful

For holding my life in Your Hands.

Bound for a place called somewhere.

"I remember the sweet sensation of leaving years ago for who knows where. I could not have known about this beautiful place... and I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here, gone someplace (else). I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way. All my life I have been changing... everybody has to change or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning. And the closest thing I can liken life to is a book, the way it stretches out on paper, page after page, as if to trick the mind into thinking it isn't all happening at once.

Time has pressed you and me into a book, too, this tiny chapter we share together, this vapor of a scene, pulling our seconds to minutes and our minutes to hours. Everything we were is no more, and what we will become, will become what was...

Life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers. It's a living book, this life; it folds out into a million settings cast with a billion beautiful characters, and it is almost over for you. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is coming to a close quickly. So soon you will be in that part of the book where you are holding the bulk of the pages in your left hand, and only a thin wisp of story in your right. You will know by the page count, not by the narrative, that the Author is wrapping things up.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving & some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God.

We get one story, you and I, and one story alone... it would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?

It might be time for you to go.

It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:

Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back.

It is you who will have changed."

(Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts)

Strategic Nonstructure

"Know who you are and use what He has given you to speak to the world."

--The New Rebellion Handbook

I'm pondering the meaning of my life tonight, and I'm going to let you listen. Today was a great day for me: I was able to work, get paid, chit-chat with friends, eat, relax, etc. I came home with new groceries and made myself a delightful sandwich along with some coffee. Then I turned on the television, hoping to find a nice movie. Maybe a romantic comedy. Yes, that would be nice. Those always make me feel better. I did not find one of those movies, however. I stumbled upon one titled Human Trafficking. And now, with bitten down nails and random bursts of tears, I am sitting here wondering why I'm living the life I'm able to live. God's grace? God's purpose? But why are millions of people right now this very second being abused, starved, sold, and neglected? Why am I not one of them? This question haunts me, when I let it. When I'm not being distracted by my wonderful little life. I am not saying this out of bitterness or anger (ok, maybe a little bit of anger), but with a broken heart and a desire to not just be wasting away in a nice house surrounded by nice things, doing whatever I want to do with the time allotted to me on this earth.

Which brings me to why I need to stop and consider a few things. What do I love? What do I hate? What do I think would be a worthy cause to give my life for? Unfortunately (or maybe not) I do not get to choose how long I will live. I do in some ways, but you know what I mean. So how can I be intentional about my life? How can I live blamelessly before my God, doing everything I can where I am to serve Him and be a physical embodiment of His love? What do I want to be as I grow up and grow old? Are my desires for my life righteous and just, or self-serving and meaningless? I have a lot to think about... I won't bother you with the entire extent of it.

I mainly wanted to make a list. I'm often asked the question of what I like to do or what I want to be doing one day, and my answers are less than satisfactory. Either I have too much to say, or I don't have anything to say at all. Let's hope I can organize my thoughts & heart a little bit tonight.

• Loves:

Children. Worship. Nature. Writing. Cleanliness. Flowers. Sharing my heart with others. Reading. Giving things away. Hospitality. Relationships. Music. Intercession. Traveling. Graphic art. Decorating. Tea and Coffee. Meeting the physical needs of others. Researching & learning. Laughter. Seeing people experience the love of the Father.

There are so many directions I could take between those things. I could write books. I could work with/ create a non-profit organization. I could move to Africa and teach children. And adopt children. :)

I could open and run a home for rescued girls. I could travel the world and document about the horrible and the amazing things, and help to open the eyes of the ignorant. I could become a nurse or a doctor and allow the underprivileged a better life. I could work in a coffee shop, serving it with a smile and the love of Christ.

And/Or... I could choose to live every single day with the conviction in my heart that God is bigger, this world is not my home, my identity is not found in what I do but Whose I am, every single person I meet and talk with needs to know how beautiful and awesome my Jesus really is, that I need never to forget to pray for those who suffer and are in need all over my world, and that changing my world for the better is just one person away.

"The real danger in all this, and the potential danger in your life, is that the circumstances in your life begin to define who you are. Instead, who you are needs to define what you do in life... Whatever the cause, there are few things more tragic than leading a 'normal life.'"

When are the moments that you feel most alive? I have to think about that as well. I would say that when I am the happiest or feeling the most joy, but honestly, I think it's the pain more than the joy. Because without the pain there would be no realization of joy. When my heart is aching like it is tonight, for all those precious people living in such darkness... I am so aware of life and what makes it worth living. And I want to fight for that.

So here I am, living a life of strategic nonstructure, waiting on the Lord and for His strength, seeking to please Him always, wandering but never lost.

I'm going to continue my pondering session alone. Thanks for listening in. Pray for me-- that I would not be so blind with privilege & that I may continue to have the courage to follow Him with each step I take. I will pray the same for you, too.

Blindly.

I raised my hand this morning. Not for salvation, but in desperation. I've lost count of the months that I've been in the same position-- tears on my face, an ache in my heart, and a prayer on my lips. "Father, I'll go wherever, I'll do whatever, please just speak to me."

We had a missionary couple from Ecuador with us this morning. His words fanned the fire in my heart as he spoke of thousands of girls in this country who are mindlessly sold or given away to the sex slave industry. Joil shared about taking risks, about leaving your comfortable life, because when we're comfortable God doesn't get the glory. He used the analogy of eagles and what happens when it's time for the babies to learn how to fly. There isn't a safe, tranquil training session. They are pushed, thrust out of the nest. This is the same wordage that is used in Matthew 9:38 when Jesus tells his disciples about the harvest field & says to pray that workers may be "sent out." In other words, pushed from their normal, calm lives and thrown into a world that desperately needs the very body of Christ present and ready to help. I love the simplicity of ministry-- find a need and do something to meet it.

Back to the eagles: if the youngster doesn't succeed on the first try, the mother will take it higher and drop it again. But she never leaves; she picks up her young again and again until they learn to fly. Or, if they won't leave the nest, she will tear it apart piece by piece until there is nothing comfortable left and they have no other choice. This is sounding all too familiar, isn't it? Yet as much as this message made sense to me, what I can't decide is where my comfort resides. I really haven't been completely comfortable with any place that He's taken me. It's not comfortable for me to be here with no specific career path or plan. I think of all the groups and organizations who are fighting for the same passions of my heart and wonder if I'd be too comfortable there. Maybe it's the fact that I'm so uncomfortable right now writing this in my comfortable home that tells me I'm where I need to be.

In the words of a country song, how do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly? I do not know. Some days I feel like I'm hopelessly jumping here and there, trying to find my wings and my way, and then I'm reminded that when it's time, He'll give me a good shove.

I raised my hand to receive grace in what I am to do, to let go of fear and striving. I placed my hand on my heart to promise my obedience & my whole life to His call. I will fall, I will fail. But His love never fails.

You are walking on water. And You are calling me after. May I learn to trust You with everything in me.

I close my eyes

everything disappears but Your smile.

I raise my hands

on a cliff I stand.

Arms open wide.

You're the Father, I'm the child.

You whisper to me...

step off the edge.

Leave it all behind.

So much more has been waiting

on the other side.

I think it's time

we cross this river so wide.

Leave these shores

step off the edge

Leave it all behind.

Let go.

Fly.

-Jonathan David Helser-

still You whisper Your peace to me

Can there be any preparation for the unexpected? I think yes and no. It seems impossible to prepare for what our physical selves feel. But our true selves can rest assure. I find myself questioning and challenging my faith today. Would I still be able to praise Him? Would I still have my exuberance for life? Would I still trust Him with my whole heart? Thankfully, our Lord is not scared of our questions. We shouldn't be either. My goal is an unshakable faith. I have a feeling everything must be shaken before it becomes unshakable. Let only the eternal things stand. Let only my love for Him and His for me be enough. Let only His peace and nothing less calm my soul. Let me only live for Him, no matter what comes my way.

"Surely goodness, mercy, and unfailing love will follow me all the days of my life. And through the length of my days, the house of the Lord and His presence shall be my dwelling place." Psalm 23:6

Turn your eyes.

When I see Him I shall be made like Him. Soon and very soon.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus..."

Daily I am faced with inadequacy. My love towards others falls short, my speech is less than encouraging, my grace is limited, my time & resources aren't used responsibly. How easy it is to get lost in self-accusation and condemnation! To think of how He loves us, how His grace is abounding, His eyes locked on each of us with such caring intent, His hands holding our world, His Spirit active in the innermost spaces of our lives. I am amazed. And I believe it is this amazement that we need to consistently have to live a life of freedom and growth. This is Truth: He is perfection and we are not, but we are to pursue Him, and in pursuing perfection, become more like Him. Will we reach our goal? Not on this side of heaven, I don't think. But it is in the pursuit of holiness that we become holy, whether we know it or not. In humility and discipline and love we must fix our eyes on Jesus, live a life worthy of our calling, and let Him have His way in us.

Though we have not seen Him, our hearts can know Him well. And someday soon, we'll be with the One we love.

“Like the eye which sees everything in front of it and never sees itself, faith is occupied with the Object upon which it rests and pays no attention to itself at all. While we are looking at God, we do not see ourselves-- blessed riddance. The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul & looks away to the perfect One.”

On repeat.

My heart is so blessed by music. This song is really messing me up right now. I've needed a rebuke-- my time has not been well spent. I've needed a reminder-- He is worth everything. I need a retreat-- to just get away with Him. My devotion is so easily distracted. Forgive me, my Lord. This is my returning. This is my true longing. I love You.

All My Devotion

by Kristene Mueller

Beautiful Man, beautiful God, You're more than worth my time.

More than worth these longings of my heart left unfulfilled, just for a time.

And I know You don't come

as easy as some

but I will watch and pray.

Take it all, take it all,

just give me Jesus.

Just give me Jesus.

I don't want any other lovers...

for all my devotion belongs to this Man.

And I know You don't come as easy as some,

so I will watch and pray. I will watch and pray.