today, we got it wrong.

we did.

but tomorrow, there is grace waiting,

and we can do much better. 

-Elora-

This morning, I get to work, first one here. Turn on the t.v. to watch the Olympics, of course, while maintaining full multitasking function. But the channel had been changed and the 700 Club was on. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I really liked the 700 club at one point in my life. I still appreciate a lot of things they have to say & the resources they share. Oh, but today... I'm still recovering from my stomach dropping and tears filling my eyes, pain overwhelming my heart. My heart is still beating at an unusually fast rate.

Chik-fil-A. 

Enough said, right? 

Wrong. I have so much to say, and I say it with conviction and out of a broken soul that has been shown more grace than we stubborn humans ever should be given. I speak from knowing other precious souls who are the beloved of Christ, who have endured much pain in their life and have overcome, and now they have chosen their path in life which is different than mine, but our struggles to be close to our Creator could not be more of the same. 

I am not upset with Christians. I am so grieved about the ideas of some Christians, the opinions of some Christians. Why is it so terribly hard for us to just accept each other? Love each other? Welcome each other despite all of our baggage? Because, news flash people, we ALL have baggage. 

Where I stand, before an Abba that is defined as love not hate, a Being far beyond us that is both mother and father, lover and friend, so very close to the hurting and hungry and ignored, I cannot continue to make judgments. My thoughts, my views, are completely irrational in the presence of love. Because love does not condemn. Nor is it easily angered. Nor is it exclusive. Nor does it care about fried chicken in the midst of a never ending battle that is turning more people away than humbly beckoning them to come in. 

I heard a man who is employed by some research group comment about this whole extravaganza. He spoke about GLBT people as a forceful group who just wants to pick a fight, stir the pot, experience even more brutality from Christ followers. Regardless of whether that is an honest stance of some, I understand. If I had experienced what others have experienced in life - hatred, rudeness, blatant rejection - I'd be out to pick a fight, too. Wouldn't you? 

Where is the love, people? Seriously. Can we continue (or start) praying for these bridges of humanity that have been burned to be reconciled in Jesus? Because that's what he came to do. This is the exact message we carry in us-- these broken, fragile bodies. It's not about us and them. It's about us and Him, all of us, and how we can restore what's been destroyed. 

Not keep destroying.

Healing.

Mending.

Loving.

"If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience

for yourselves

the Truth

and the truth will free you."

John 8:32

We are born
by some strange, miraculous conception.
With friends having babies, I cannot get this mystery out of my mind. I float between two extremes : immense joy and complete terror.

How on earth are we trusted to bring other people into this world?

I hear people talking ... "How many do they have now?" Almost like children are property, or simple things. Oh... these little beings are precious beyond measure, and we are somewhat recklessly creating them and hastily ushering them into this horrific world that we ourselves are struggling to navigate and come to terms with.

Dramatic? I would think so! Have you heard what can happen to a child? Do you remember what happened to you?

Yes... "people are fragile things you should know by now. Be careful what you put them through."

And as I was contemplating the drama and awfulness of it all, I couldn't help but let peace peak through and mingle with my anxiety.

We are miracles. From dust we were brought forth and to the dust we shall return. Our time is short but can be sweet for certain, should we so desire to fight long and hard for ourselves and the ones we love. This mess of a planet is able to destroy us and delight us, break us and build us. How can we witness the powerful, awe-inspiring beauty of a dazzling sunset, then hear news of the latest mass-shooting and not sense the quakes of an eternal battle between love and hate, goodness and darkness?

We are born as children of a vast, vast universe. As vulnerable as we are, so strong is He. As we painfully bring life after life into this time-capsuled reality, may we find freedom in knowing that this is not the end. With each cry and first time breath of harsh humanity, may we continue to release these tiny people (and ourselves) into the arms of the unknown, the unpredictable, the Un-perishable.

Though tragedy takes, may we trust we're not left empty-handed.
Though sickness suffocates, may we trust in a final healing.
Though all may abandon, may we trust Love is here.
And we will find love there, too.

Though we are daily dying, may we know : we will rise, as Christ was raised to life.




[ PS: this story brings hopeful tears to my eyes: everything matters.]

Rachel's wells

hi. welcome back to reality.

If I could write a love-note to who I was a week ago, it would go something like this:

Dearest Self, 


Hi. I want to kindly and not-so-gently (but sort of gently - I know your tenderheartedness) remind you that the world does NOT revolve around you. Your bitterness is not helping you or anyone else around you. Rest in His love, rest in knowing you are not alone, even when you feel forgotten. News flash: you're never forgotten. There is a rich community both near & far who support you.


Be kind to yourself. Forgive your fiancee. And for the sake of all of us, stop brooding. Rejoice in today.


With love,
Yourself. 




I have seriously been consumed with emotion. I'm allowed to be emotional, but for goodness' sake, it's driving me crazy! I've been considering medication. *not kidding*

I was listening to a song today, as I labeled car air fresheners at work, and nearly burst into tears. After Elenowen's anthem of What We Hope came the song, Cripple Me. It was one of those sacred moments where the reality of your life, the reality of what you've been feeling and thinking, sinks in deep and awakens you like a punch in the gut.More emotion for the already emotional - hooray!
For reasons so far beyond what I know, I am being crippled. Not for the purpose of inflicting pain - that is just cause & effect - but for the hope & promise of "breaking out of the darkness and out of our skin." My Abba is drawing me in tight while simultaneously letting me wander into the hard, dark places, for my growth and my benefit. It freakin' hurts. And I've been freakin' angry at times. But I'm over that [for now].

Now, dear self, be patient. Be loving. Be gentle, especially with others. Most importantly with your own soul. Hold everything - the events of today, the plans of tomorrow, the hurts and the joys from yesterday - close to your heart, for all is good. And all is holy. And all is grace.

My Love,
cripple me
so I cannot keep running
away.



"let everything happen to you, beauty and terror, just keep going. No feeling is final."

-Rainer Maria Rilke-

celebration

THIS is very near and dear to my heart. Maybe I mentioned it last year around my birthday as well. I follow and support these amazing people too, who are also working alongside the Sudanese people to protect, restore, and heal their land, their bodies, their precious hearts. May peace continue to come to them. May we stand with them, believe with them.

I was grieving a bit last night, as I stared into the sky with wonder, watching the fireworks. My dear Kip mentioned how amazing it is that we were able to have the day that we did-- a day filled with ease & ending in such a sweet time with family and hundreds of others who were gathered to simply sit and enjoy the night, enjoy the freedom. My empathetic, tender heart (or that of the Spirit in me) was still, but is rarely forgetful.


There are so many who will never experience this kind of sweetness-- the richness of ease, wealth, and happiness. Don't forget. 


My thoughts wandered to those at war. Those in the middle of extremes, sharing in the goal to protect but lacking the peace. Not sure how to restore or heal when their job is to tear down, destroy, and remove the enemy. Those living every day in the midst of conflict; the equally precious people who had to spend yesterday's holiday away from the joys of family and close friends, burgers and fireworks, boats and fun.

It's not my intention to ruin a celebration. These thoughts of mine increase my gratitude greatly. And they also move me to live from that gratitude, to live from the reality of what's happening in our world and move towards a better world-- to pursue the peace my heart desires, to help restore in others what I desire to see restored in me, and to trust that His protection is strong, His love is stronger, and the healing that He brings is happening all around me on levels far beyond what I could see or know.

Whether it's my brothers and sisters in Sudan, or my brothers and sisters in Iraq, or my brothers and sisters on the streets of Minneapolis:
sweet Savior of mine... let me be moved with your amazing compassion; moved to powerful action. Let my eyes see, my ears hear, my heart feel, my feet go, my hands serve, my life love.


dream through us, Abba.
recreate in us so that we may recreate our world with you.

"and since we are people of expectation, we are so convinced that another world is coming that we start living as if it were already here."

I claim love & He claims me

from sweet Henri :

"Calling God Abba Father is a cry of the heart, a prayer welling up from our innermost beings.
It has nothing to do with naming God
but everything to do with claiming God as the source of who we are.
This claim does not come from any sudden insight or acquired conviction; it is the claim that the Spirit of Jesus makes in communion with our spirits.
It is the claim of love."



My journey all along, specifically since January, can be summed up in this short paragraph; not fully explained, but fully felt and experienced, thanks to Henri Nouwen's superb wordage. Emotion welled as my eyes moved forward past each group of letters...
He is the Source of who I am. Not the me as I see-- the me He sees. And he has claimed this me.
His grip is strong but never forceful or angry.
His grip is simply gripping to keep me from slipping back into a slur of unfortunate s-words. The dark places. The lonely places. The foolishness of forgetting his fondness.

As I inelegantly seize moments of vulnerability, sometimes most unhappily,
I feel a steady shift in my soul. There is movement. There is change. There is life.
And he is the reason for it all.


from Rob Bell's, Love Wins :

"What is John telling us? It's the 8th sign, the first day of the new week, the first day of the new creation. The resurrection of Jesus inaugurates a new creation, one free from death, and it is bursting forth in Jesus himself right here in the midst of the first creation.
The tomb is empty. A new day is here. A new creation is here. Everything has changed. Death has been conquered. The old has gone. The new has come.
John is telling a huge story, one about God rescuing all of creation.

When we say yes to God, when we open ourselves to Jesus's living, giving act on the cross, we enter into a way of life. He is the source, the strength, the example, and the assurance that this pattern of death and rebirth is the way into the only kind of life that actually sustains and inspires. He talks of the life that will come from his own death, and he promises that life will flow to us in thousands of small ways as we die to [ourselves].

There can't be a spring if we're still stuck in the fall."

come on New Man

where have you been

help me wriggle from this self I'm in

and leave it like a skin upon the ground.

Who will I be?

On my final day as a full-time nanny, my thoughts are focused around the idea of being a parent to my own children one day, in the not-so-near future. I've tried to gather some aspirations of who I will be when that day comes. Which means that I should probably start becoming that woman today, because she sure isn't going to appear suddenly after she births a baby. Amen?


My hopes of parenting far exceed my list of 20+ names for my future children.
I hope to be a mother who will be on their level, spending extra strength in understanding. I hope to be a mother who listens. I hope to be a mother who is constantly reminded that sometimes I must let go of my own plans and agenda, and that this letting go can be the perfect soil for miracles and for more love to grow. I hope to be conscious of my own pain, willing to be vulnerable with my kids, never forgetting to show & tell them that I do NOT know all; letting them unmask the perfectionist and see my tender, broken places; living out the truth that I am just another traveler, sometimes struggling beside them and sometimes confidently & joyfully leading them. And sometimes laid out on the floor, not able to give anything else, choosing to accept their belief in me.
I hope to embrace my humanity, but never use it as an excuse.
I hope to be a mom who will turn up the music louder, dance longer, and laugh harder. I hope to be a mom who gets out, who plans adventures regardless of inconvenience or missed nap times or improper hygiene. I hope to rise early and rejoice with the morning (this is a lofty aspiration!)
I hope to fiercely protect the love that brought them life-- maintaining a deep, intimate, honest relationship with their papa. I hope to be a mother of great affection, of loving in healthy boundaries and refusing to let boundaries become walls that separate and seclude.
I hope to be a mother of open opinions and unrestricted faith. I hope to cultivate conversations without controlling the outcome. I hope to love through the disappointments, the failures, the hurts. I hope to forgive quickly and completely.
I hope to be a mother who some days lets her house get destroyed by imagination and creativity, and who teaches her children how to care for and respect and enjoy ALL things, especially each other & this beautiful earth in which we live.
I hope to invest and help grow the knowledge of their true Abba's love and acceptance of them...
that His love for us is not based on what we do but who we are. And we are His. Forever.


I hope all of these things & more, knowing my fragile condition as well as theirs, knowing that all families have their own s***, and there's no way of completely escaping that truth.
And maybe it's the s*** that will bring them closer, draw them deeper, make them softer. I hope they will put forth the energy to be propelled by this s*** and not get stuck in it. I hope they will have the ability to see a great story, His great story, being told amid & amongst their s***.
I greatly hope that for myself as well.



May we love like that. Each and every day, with each & every person we know & newly meet.
Amen.

a bit dicey

Reminder:

"the life you've been waiting for is happening all around you.
This is it,
This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us
disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events.
But pull off the mask, and you will find your life, waiting
to be made
chosen
woven
crafted."

--Shauna Niequist



It's interesting to me how predictions can be so wrong,
i.e., the weather.
Today it was predicted that it would rain. If I noticed correctly, it mildly sprinkled for 5 mins earlier this morning. But the rain could still come, for the day is not yet over. So sometimes it's not about predictions being wrong but that they are wrongly timed.

I've avoided making many predictions for my life. Well maybe that's not true. I haven't had many specific predictions for my life. I think I remember having conversations at the age of 16, saying I wanted to be married by the age of 22 and have my first baby before 25. WHAT was I thinking?! Approaching the ripe old age of 23 this year, I cannot imagine that life for me. Possibly the marriage part, but definitely not the baby-making part. I am coming to terms with the fact that everyone's stories are so, so different. And we cannot predict or define what is best for us, for only One knows that, and His ways are very unconventional.
Unpredictable, in fact.
[ note: looking up "unpredictable" in the Thesaurus, I found "hanging by a thread" and "whimsical" both as synonyms. I would never put those two together. ]

I've been obsessively and repetitively reading Shauna's speech to a group of college graduates. (see; above)
It fit for them on graduation day and it fits for me right here in a different graduation of sorts.
I'm moving on from the life of a nanny to working at an office downtown. I'll soon be living with not just one other person but two lovely friends. I am moving down from one layer of my heart deep into the originally created me, going scared but going nonetheless.
And when the going gets tough, I need to be reminded of truth like this:

"Commit to being a lifelong learner, a person of relentless curiosity.
And become a student of your own developing self. Pay attention to what moves you, what you love, what makes you angry, what makes you exhausted. There are no right answers to those kind of questions, but if you don't pay attention, you may find yourself several years down the road, living a life that looks good on paper but doesn't ring true to the deepest parts of you. That's a terrible place to be.
Become a student of what you love, because what you love flows out of the way God made you.

That wiggly, sometimes scary feeling like anything could happen and you don't totally know what's next, that feeling is called Life, and it would be best for you to make friends with that feeling
because it will be with you forever. It would be best, as well, for you to remind yourself that you're not the only one feeling it.

You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given today."

Slayer

Today: more from a followed blog. This brought rest to my soul, knowing that in my current mind/heart battles, I am well-equipped to overcome. Not only that, these current mind/heart battles may not be life and death after all. They may just be the mirage of a giant wall, not really a giant wall at all.

Thankful.
Enjoy these reassuring words:

My best friend sent me a sword a few months ago. In the card she told me I could slay dragons with it. When I got it, I instantly thought, "Psshhh. No I can't. Not these dragons..."

I felt a nudge in my spirit. You know that feeling, the slight correction from our Divine Madman. The whisper came quiet.

Oh, daughter. Yes. If you only believed in you as much as I do. If you only saw the strength... 

Wait, me? Can I? My heart started pounding in response--

her own war dance in preparation of our battle.

Yes.

She joined in the whispers of the One who holds her hand when I've forgotten.

I've learned something over the past few months. You know when you're listening to the wrong voices. You get antsy, confused, dragons come out of nowhere and their fire-breath feels hot and your heart gets all blistery.

Even your body responds-- nervous stomach, headaches, exhaustion.

Danielle Laporte mentions in her book The Firestarter Sessions, that the phrase, "It just doesn't feel right," has been down-played by far too many people. I agree. I've also heard that the "gut feeling" we experience doesn't come from our actual gut, but from our brain.

Hmm.

So this brick wall of conflict you're experiencing... could it be a mirage? Could it tip over with just the slightest touch? What would happen if you just tried to give it a little nudge?

Sometimes, the man behind the curtain is just that-- a man behind the curtain. There are no monsters here. 

And if they do show up? (because they sometimes do, they're pesky like that)

You have what it takes to slay them.

Amen, Elora.