th-needs

(the above title doesn't make any sense unless you've seen The Lorax. If you think I'm weird, 1. you're right, and 2. just say it a few times-- it gets funnier)

"... And so I just wanted to tell you that story today, on my birthday, and ask you to really think about what you need, and ask someone for it. If you have no one to ask, ask us."

-- Momastery

To quote my dear, sweet, loving boyfriend, I've been a bit needy lately. And apparently it's an underlying relationship rule that you cannot both be needy at the same time because that's plain disastrous. Too bad there are some days we just can't control it. Or entire weekends, in our case.

I am learning how to better communicate my needs, as most people learn in relationship. I have recently discovered that something was instilled in me as a child, either from inside myself or from those I grew up around, that taught me that my needs & feelings weren't a big deal. I should be quiet and be compliant and go with the flow, even if that meant getting hurt in the process. I am healing from seemingly small habits such as this-- habits that have forfeited, in some way or another, who I am and that have muffled the voice within me. I am finding this voice: not a rude, my-way-or-the-highway type, but a deep and genuine tool for which I share my heart and soul honestly in the midst of everyday life.

I think we all struggle in finding this voice. In school we're taught to "stand up for ourselves," but I still think those are poor words to describe what it means to speak from the place of your humanity. A place of truth.

So how do we do this? I don't know. I told you, I'm just now learning! But I do know that sharing yourself comes from a place of love and acceptance. If we have unhealed wounds and unresolved struggles in our lives, we will forever live from places of anger, hurt, and fear, and we will miss out on the beauty of trust, love, and grace.

I read this quote today and definitely think it fits:

"When we tell the truth, even the uncomfortable truth, the truth sets people free."

What uncomfortable truth do you need to tell today-- first to yourself, and then to others?

prep, then step

If any of you reading this have spoken with me recently, you are aware of my present life situation. I am in counseling (and beginning to think it should be a lifelong involvement), I am in a serious dating relationship, I am living in a new place, and as much change as I've had in the past 6-ish months, more change is on the way.

Can you believe it?

Just moved into a house with a quickly passing lease. Hopefully finding a job come June that lines up with not only my learned skills but my passions and beliefs as well. Mending relationships, building new friendships, and trying to discern when planning for marriage crosses over from convenience to a deep, honest commitment. Timing can be such a bugger.

I'm not sure what to think about my life some days. I've been told that I've lived in insecurity (outward and inward) for most of my life and I will continue to seek that-- which was said in a not so good way. I agree with this observation, but I'm not quite sure that I see it as a major hindrance. I know there is a part of my soul that would rather not get too attached to one place or one person. There are many broken parts of me that I've picked up and moved around so often in an attempt to avoid the painstaking focus that it would require to sit and put myself back together. I also truly know that I'm a wanderer on earth, that this is not my home, and I feel like there is too much to be done to be settled in one place. Oh, duality.

I have realized that I've convinced myself of my potential, my worth, the greatness placed inside of me, but now see that convincing myself is not the same as believing it and living from that belief. A lot of things have come crashing down. I find it so interesting that I am where I am. Abba has sure put up a fight for me--

a fight to tear down my deception, a fight to free me from the way I've always been. And He is the energy propelling me forward into a hopeful, beautiful future.

This process, though frightening and awful most days, is also providing space to dream. Sometimes I'm so focused on this day that I cannot bear to think of having to take on yet another day, but today is not one of those days. Today began badly-- I had to release anger, forgive and let myself be forgiven, all before 10 am. But as I walked briskly in this Edina neighborhood with Lulu and Lucy in tow, my heart was renewed. Fresh air does amazing things for me. Add this springtime warmth and a few cheery birds and I'm a new woman!

A woman who can't stop thinking about the possibilities of a life well lived. Dreams, ideas, and plans of purpose and intentional living are filling my mind and heart. I have learned so much about myself, and putting together who I am and who Kip is gives me such excitement. We're gonna change the world.

Many options lie before us and as hard as it is for me to talk about options without planning for them, I feel like it will be beneficial. There's the option of joining staff with YWAM, which would be challenging, adventurous, and would allow us to participate/ facilitate what we both think is uber important : discipleship. We've also dreamed of creating a specific discipleship experience that goes even more in depth with people in helping them discover their gifts, strengths, and passions in life. Kathy described it as a "gap year DTS." We are fiercely disturbed by the fact that our society doesn't really know what to do with people our age-- people seemingly too young and inexperienced to really contribute or who even know who they are-- so we're all told to go off and learn, yet are usually placed in environments that are far more destructive than educational. Counterproductive!

We are also very passionate about community-- living in close proximity with others, opening ourselves up to constant accountability, authenticity, love, and joy. It's been a recently repetitive conversation about the annoyance of suburbs. Not that they are evil or wrong, but for us, we don't want to feel cut off from the world ( which seems to be their intent ). We want to live in the nitty gritty, the sometimes dirty and uncomfortable, because that is true and that is hard. We don't want to miss out on the developmental experience of sharing life with those who are much different than ourselves. Small groups and corporate worship times just aren't enough for us. We want to daily grow and be an intimate part of the growth of others.

There is honestly so much that I feel called to ...

ministry to orphans, structural and health-oriented development for the poor, building relationships & providing care for the homeless, teaching & educating, being a voice to the privileged about the majority of our world population who are unprivileged and connecting those two opposites in genuine love and understanding and support.

This next one might seem a bit morbid, but I want others to come to a knowledge of the powerful hope in Christ, specifically in the face of death. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved and he speaks about our deaths as being a gift to those who knew us. He describes a mystical happening of our spirits and our memories still ministering even after we're gone. I thought this was really strange at first, but then I thought of people like Tiffany and Phil whose life values and purpose still encourage me today even though they died their physical deaths 4 years ago. I feel like I have a peace and a comfort about eternity that most do not possess, and I desire to communicate and share that in a way that brings hope to the hopeless and hurting.

The flip side to all of this is that I am just another person with big dreams and a big heart. I struggle with shame and defeat just like the next girl, but I am promised a full life in the midst of my broken reality. Although I have the willingness to dream, it takes much work and discipline to make these dreams happen. I daily must remind myself of truth-- the truth of His love and affection for me. I need to be still and know who He is, listening for and receiving His blessings, trusting His grace. That is what changes me. And that is what will change the world.

Maybe this weekend I will sit down and share with you about Nouwen's book. It's great & it's putting so much into a right perspective for me.

May you be filled this Thursday,

even to overflowing. Our God is great & greatly to be praised.

love!

authenticity

Preface:

holy guacamole, I love my community here. My heart is deeply, profoundly blessed by so many that make up this place that I continue to grow to love.

Our message last night at Upper Room was about willingness. Katie brought to life the story of the man with leprosy who humbled himself at the feet of Jesus and asked, Lord, if you are willing, You can make me clean. "Can" means being able to, having the power to. And of course, our loving and merciful King said yes. But even more noble than this God-man being willing to heal was the action of the sick man being willing to ask for the healing.

How many times do I shy away from Him because of fear that He can't, or won't? Too many to count, actually.

Our God is able. And willing. And His love never changes.

I wanted to dance like a crazy person when we sang His Love Never Fails because it's true and it's freeing and it's healing like nothing else!

"I don't have to be afraid, because I know that You love me. And Your love never fails."

[repeat to self]

We also did something that would probably be considered vulgar or "too open" in other communities. We sent texts to a phone number knowing that in a few minutes the secrets of our hearts would be displayed for everyone to read. It was anonymous and still very hard to do. We wrote, "If people knew _____ about me, then ____ ..."

This is communal authenticity. And the funny thing is, as those texts rolled across the walls and as my heart sank deeper into my chest, I realized the absurdness of our doubts and fears. So many of those secrets were my own. We all have so much in common, and it is a lie that we believe we will not be loved or accepted for who we really are. Because though we are different in many ways, in just as many ways we are exactly the same.

& He loves us.

So cheers to a Monday:

a day of grace, a day to be loved and to love

a day to rest in the knowing

a day to choose freedom from ourselves

a day to listen for Him and to look for Him

because when we seek, we find

when we listen,

we will hear His beautiful whisper.

beneath the willows

"Do not allow your harp to hang silently from the weeping willows (ps. 137:2)

but take it down and with a grateful heart do your best to make beautiful music.

Arise and sing His praise as each morning dawns, lifting up your notes of thanksgiving.

And may your songs follow each day's setting sun as well.

Encircle the earth with your praises, surrounding it with an atmosphere of melody,

and God Himself will hear from heaven and will accept your music."

Beautiful music is born from deep heartache.

Beautiful writing is formed from depressive minds.

Beautiful art is created by tortured souls.

Why is that? We watched Midnight in Paris (great movie!) and discussed this phenomenon. Some of the best artists/ poets/ writers throughout history were extremely unstable. Do you find that strange? Because I do.

Unless...

there truly is a beauty to be found through a suffering soul. This is a mild and somewhat incorrect example (because many of these such artists had mental problems and were possibly influenced by multiple not-so-healthy substances) but I find truth in it as well.

When a person is among "weeping willows," under the burden of grief and loss, yet chooses to pick up their harp and play, there is a strength and a power that I don't think we can recognize or see fully in this realm. I believe there is a spiritual affect that happens in the universe (is that too New Age-y?) when we choose to create beauty from our sadness, whether that's physical beauty or relational beauty. We can reach out and connect and produce change-- a change in ourselves and for the world around us.

This is something I want to be mindful of... creating instead of wallowing, loving amidst the lamenting; not secluding but opening and sharing myself, my heart.

We were made to worship, and I think the most beautiful worship comes from beneath the weeping willows.

I was with You last night and You caught my tears.

I saw the bottle where You store them-- each one a precious sign to You of my fragile, precious humanity, and my need for the ocean of love that is You.

You see me and You've memorized me. You know me, God.

You silently and strongly wade with me through the muck of my shame. At times, You pick me up and hold me above it, but You love me too much to just make it disappear.

You are forming me on the way. We are, together, struggling and working,

making more room for You in my heart.

This brings You joy. And this is what You've promised me:

those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy.

Sow in me the good things, the hard things, the beautiful things.

And help me to grow towards You.

this burden of hope

Can it be...

that those of us who are most hopeful are also aware of the most horrifying?

I read, almost daily, of individual stories around the world that are alarming, angering, even disgusting. And I sit and let them sink down into me. These are real. Someone like me has experienced this.

Oftentimes I even let myself feel their grief and pain. Not always, though. I just read an update sent from southern Sudan about a woman who has lived through so much physical and emotional pain. At the end of the email, the writer says, "I am privileged to carry an ounce of her story with me, and help her, at least through my prayers, to carry her burden of hope."

You see...

Hope is a gorgeous, glorious thing. But it is also a burden. Many are grieved without it and many are grieved because of it. This hope is a heaviness, a joy and a throbbing pain. I hope for myself and for others, yet still am not immune from the disease of despair in this world and in those around me. In my knowing that restoration is both here and on its way, I trudge through my life with two tired feet and a bright smile, with an aching heart and a soaring spirit. I hope for many things while maintaining an understanding of my reality. Even still... I hope. And hope is my anchor-- the grounding weight and the steadying force.

Most of the references to hope in the Bible are of a hope in life not on earth. The saints and the sinners looked beyond this struggling place to one of peace, rest, and eternity. They hoped in Jesus. They hoped in a future kingdom. They hoped in healing. We must hold onto hope for these same things, for life is a crap-hole without them.

Let's carry hope with us, sharing it freely and lovingly, even when people refuse it's wonderful weight. And let's ask Jesus, who daily bears all of our burdens, to carry us through.

things unseen

We sang Hosanna last night at Upper Room. I have an emotional connection to that song, especially the bridge part:

heal my heart and make it clean

open up my eyes to the things unseen

show me how to love like You have loved me...

I've thought before about the phrase "open up my eyes to the things unseen." Before, it made it think of crazy, spiritual realm things. You know... angels and demons and what not. But I don't really desire to see those things. Now, that prayer makes me think of people.

I want eyes to see the hidden things inside of people: their true selves, their gifts and strengths, their God-made beauty. Sometimes that's really hard to find because of what's going on outside of them, so I desire the ability to look past, look in, and love. For each person is a treasure. EACH person. Even those who are caught up in extreme evil, they were once a miraculous, lovely dream in God's heart. And He still loves them. Oh what a hard truth to grasp.

So that's my thought for the day, for life:

may we allow our eyes to be opened and made sensitive to those we see. May we be on the lookout for those in need. May we pray for more love like the love He has poured out on each of us, more grace to forgive, more trust to surrender it all.

Happy President's Day!

take a moment

Driving on the weathered streets of yesterday's groggy Sunday morning, my heart was expectant. As I struggled to remember where my friend's house is located, my eyes frantically searching around each stoplight for the hidden street signs, I noticed the aged roads and buildings more than I usually do. Who else has wandered these streets through the decades, visiting dear ones, waiting for buses, going about their lives? There are so many of us, so many specific, individual stories. Sometimes that overwhelms me, but mostly I'm overcome with awe. How are we all here? How has our world survived and sustained all these years?

I have my theories.

The good news is that I found her house, yet parking was an adventure all it's own. Grateful there is no snow, I ascended the steps with ease, once again admiring the loveliness of an old house with a big old porch, and joined the beauty that was happening inside. Friendship. Community. Love.

My coffee date times with the 20-ish different women who come is always a fantastic beginning to a new week. Scones, tea, cider, granola, muffins, fresh fruit-- we have a feast of both treats and sweet fellowship. A synonym of fellowship is communion. Very fitting for us, I say.

Communing together we dive into the depths of our hearts and our minds. "What makes you feel known?" We discuss the joy and the pain of life as it pertains to us here and now-- how we feel both appreciated and alone, both hopeful and somewhat despairing. How we are very thankful for our jobs, for our loved ones, for the truth and reality of God's presence, though we occasionally forget the power and freedom which accompanies that truth; how we can continue to dig out the rich meaning of living in this time and in this place with these people. What a wonderful gift to enjoy.

I was reminded by one of these dear friends how special the writings of the Bible are to us. Though it seems as just a book written many years ago by normal people like us, it refreshes my soul and corrects my actions-- reminding me of the foundations of life, the truth of life. This time is fleeting. We must love each other so much, not seeking out vain possessions and costly things, but giving and giving and giving. We must pursue the Father's heart and how He has formed us, what He has dreamed us to be and how He has equipped us to fulfill those great & victorious dreams.

I am so encouraged by these words today. I hope you are, too!

from 1 John chapter 2

I am writing to you, my children, because I want you to know the truth about Jesus and how your sins have been forgiven by the authority of His name.

I am writing to you, fathers and mothers, because you have known Him as the Creator, the one who started everything.

I am writing to you, young people, because He has conquered the evil one and has given you the power to conquer the evil one as well.

I have written to you, my children, because you have known the Father.

I have written to you because you have known Him, the Creator.

I have written to you because the voice of God remains and is heard among you. Remember that you have conquered the evil one.

This corrupt world is already wasting away, as are it's selfish desires. But the person really doing God's will-- that person will never cease to be.

You have been given an anointing, a special touch from the Holy One. You know the truth.

Let the gospel, the story you have heard from the beginning of your journey, live in and take hold of you. His teaching is: "remain connected to Me."

So now, my little children, live in Him.

united pursuit

Not only am I an avid blogger, I also avidly read the blogs of others. I came upon one of my favorite band's blogs yesterday and would love to share their message with you. They are known as United Pursuit, which is such a fitting name in my opinion. Something I've heard a lot lately is "we're all in this together." Lovely encouragement. I am not alone. Though I might feel that ache, it is not what is true. I am surrounded by brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers. Friends. Networks. People with likemindedness and like passions. We're all in this together. And God is for us.

Sift & Dig, from Nate [ United Pursuit ]

A brother is a true brother when he digs for the gold inside of another. He diligently sifts through the rocks, dirt, and the all around rubbish for the hidden gold on the inside. He never gives up. He doesn't back away when he comes up empty. He keeps trying, month after month, year after year. And when he finds the gold, he does what Jesus would do. He hands it right back over and says, "This is what I've found in you. This is the gift of God inside of you. This is what I see. This is what I know."

A sister is a true sister when she digs for good soil in another. If she finds toxic soil, she keeps digging. It doesn't scare her. If she finds dry and barren ground, she brings her sister water for her soul, words of life. And the water sees fruit grow from the good soil of commitment and pursuit. Toxic soil isn't to be so scary that we run the other way. The Holy Spirit is the master gardener and is asking if you would be the rookie apprentice. We have much to learn, and the Holy Spirit is ready to teach.

"May your love still abound yet more and more in knowledge and all discernment."

Philippians 1:9

A part of being in a real community is that we see the "stuff" in others. This is all part of God's healing plan, because through relationship and the gift of trust & acceptance, we can help see the hearts of others healed. We will never know the joys of community if see the crap in each other's lives and run away. No, Jesus calls us to sift for the gold and dig for the good soil.

This is our crossroads, a place where this knowledge can either cause offense and the withholding of love, OR it will cause love to abound all the more.

Here the healing continues. Here is the joy of relationship.

Amazing. And amazingly difficult! For me, it takes an ample amount of energy, patience, and relying on a love & strength not my own to sit and sift with/ through a person. I love it. Yet I don't like the reality of it. Does that make sense?

In this time of my life I feel like I've reverted back to years of hurt and pain that I could have sworn I had forgotten about. And yet here it is, swirling around inside of me. A huge, dark, destructive tornado threatening to suck all of my joy, ruin my relationships, and send me running. It feels like I am back at the start, just standing at the starting line & feeling queasy about the long race before me. There was a time when this type of journey excited me. 'Tis not the feeling now.

I'm grateful for all of the friends in my life who aren't scurred to dive into the depths with me. Especially for my sweet boyfriend who I want to push away & who still refuses to budge. This is both annoying and speaks of God's persistence towards me in a way I've never experienced before.

So, friends, may this be our "united pursuit" :

to continually dig into our own lives, searching for the pearls & gold of his kingdom, reminding each other of the everlasting value we find,

seeking to accept the ever greater reality of his love for us and the love he calls us to for others; to pursue his truth, his heart, his life. For he is life and brings new, full life to us if we ask for it.

May we never tire in these things. Never tire in doing good, pursuing good, repaying good for evil, trusting in His goodness towards us. Amen.