[ enter ]

"And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet, I can enter in. I can enter into someone's pain and sit with them and know. This is Jesus. Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that He enters in. He comes with us to the hard places.

And so I continue to enter."

- Katie Davis -

Entering in. Phew, that's messy. And it makes me uncomfortable. Of course it would be required of me-- in my own heart and in the hearts of many. I want to enter, and I'm afraid of what I might find.

Less distractions, more stillness.

Less overlooking, more searching.

Less of what I'd rather have. More of what I need.

I have this curious thought:

Jesus is both coming and here. He is coming to me in my heartache and fear. He is my future hope and words on a page that promise redemption and love and grace like snow. And yet He is already guiding me, healing me, near to me. He is my comfort amidst the discomfort of growth and life. Here now and forever to come.

He is in the repetition and also in the newness.

He is not hidden from me, but still asks that I look for Him-- that I never stop looking for evidence of His goodness and presence, never stop wondering where He might meet me. Always remembering that I can meet him wherever & whenever I want.

I can see where He's been: in the tears of a grieving yet grateful friend. Speaking from the mouths of the encouragers and prayer warriors. He's mingled in the conversations and hugs, dug His hands in the soil of our hearts. I've noticed Him in a tiny snowflake and in the warmth of a home. In music and diction, yoga classes and the gentle touch of a child. Sometimes I even visit Him in my imagination, sipping coffee and basking in the affection of His smile. He has a beautiful imaginary smile!

He's more real than anything else I know. In fact, I know nothing else but the truth of His words to me and the faith to keep going, He is enough.

I breathe You in, God. You are there. You're all around me.

And You are good to me.

"You repair all that we have torn apart & You unveil a new beginning in our hearts.

We stand grateful for all that has been left behind and all that goes before us.

You've got all things suspended.

All things connected.

Nothing was forgotten cause Your love is perfect.

You are our Healer and You know what's broken.

We're not a mystery to You."

trust is a must

[ When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for 3 months at the house of the dying in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how to best spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "What can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. "What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the Unites States:

"Pray that I have clarity."

She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of."

When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said,

"I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God." ]

This small story might have just changed my life entirely. My view of faith. My opinions of what it means to live a life devoted to my God.

Western Christianity is steadily angering me. Call me judgmental, I'm working on that, but to me it seems like we tell ourselves (and teach others) such a selfish, superficial way of following Jesus. This is what I'm realizing, which happens to go against most of what I've been taught my whole life. We don't love people like we love & take care of ourselves, which is a clear command throughout the entire Bible. We typically don't make the poor a priority; we just keep amassing and creating excess in our lives. We spend lots of time, energy, and money trying to avoid conflict, pain, risk and inconvenience. And we sit around waiting for God to tell us what to do, like that's the example we have been given by the early Christians.

Where do we get this stuff?

Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning is continuing to tear down my misconceptions and revive my spirit. I am convicted and motivated to live my life in greater abandonment-- not worrying, planning, or saving up for tomorrow, but giving, loving, and living in today. He is greater. He is with me. And He will take care of me, like the loving parent He is.

I hope the following words also move you closer to Him who is most trustworthy, all loving, and all good. May we each day accept His unchanging love for us & grow to know His heart, and in return, give His grace to a graceless world.

Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.

The basic premise of biblical faith is the conviction that God wants us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. However, that kind of trust is acquired only gradually and most often through a series of crises and trials.

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future.

The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment.

With a strong affirmation of our goodness and a gentle understanding of our weakness, God is loving us-- you and me-- this moment, just as we are and not as we should be.

"To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives-- the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections-- that requires hard spiritual work... Let's not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God."

To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, the cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness.

Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded... On the last day, Jesus will look us over not for medals, diplomas, or honors, but for scars.

Trust means the willingness to become absolutely empty of all terrifying and comforting images of God that we have held, so that the gift of God in Jesus Christ may come to us on God's terms.

the way I am

Side note: Yes, I am writing nearly every day,

but not publishing it to this blog.

You people don't really want to know all those personal details,

do you?

I'm marveling this morning at the reality that in a few years, I will not be the same person. Next year I will not be the same person. Maybe next month, even! We are aging, learning, moving. Changing.

I'm reading over my strengths [ yet again ] because I'm not sure that I really know myself. Friends have told me that recently: "Candice, you seem to know yourself really well." And I do intentionally take time to reflect and learn who I am, but it also seems like once I think I've got it, something changes again. Ah, life.

So this phrase caught my eye as I was reading about Positivity:

"You think in terms of possibilities."

I love that at first. And then I think about how so many times it has set me up for frustration, usually in my relationships with others. I believe everything is possible, but I fail to accept the present reality of a person or a situation. How do I have realistic expectations when I was created to dream and believe?

And then my Developer comes in:

"Your developer talents might lead you to become so invested in the growth of others that you ignore your own development... Don't over-invest in losing causes; your natural inclination to see the best in people and situations can create a blind spot that will keep you from moving on to more opportune situations."

I suppose this is where having a Counselor comes in. Only God can help my heart discern where I should stay and when I should go, who I should stick with or how to move on. It's not about figuring out myself as much as it's about growing in my love and knowledge of Him. Growing in the humility needed to lay down my own understanding and trust.

Just trust.

sit long.

Thank you for Your death and resurrection

Thank you for the power of Your blood

and I am overwhelmed by Your affection

the kindness and greatness of Your love.

Jesus, You make all things new.

-Bran & Katie Torwalt-

I've started one of my top resolutions of taking time every day to write about my life here & now. Yesterday's blurb consisted of a question I could not get out of my head: What is good? I remember being challenged in my last YWAM school about how suffering is considered good in the Bible. Jesus said it. Paul said it. James said it. Peter did, too. It's a theme of the New Testament. And it's called good. Beneficial. So why do I label things good only when they make me happy? That's not what "good" really means...

[ Hmmm, I wonder what good is. It's not usually how I would define it. I define good as feeling happy. Being healthy. Life is easy. No frustration. No sorrow. All laughs and no pain. But that's not good. That's fake. And I don't want a fake life. ]

Anything that brings us closer to the Father is good. And most of the time, those aren't the things that make us feel like everything is right in the world. Or with ourselves. Because the truth is: it's not right! We're not alright. We need Him so much more, each and every day. When I wrote "fake" I was also thinking "fleeting." I was thinking about how most of life is extremely hard, yet we go on with a smile trying to convince everyone that it's ok. For some reason, I can't do that. My heart gets to a point of such overload and exhaustion and it's hard for me to function. I am overwhelmed, truthfully. I don't have it together, and I don't have to. I make mistakes. I sin. And I am covered in love and grace. But His grace is not cheap. I want to go back to the place of daily putting myself at His feet, asking Him to transform my life. I have pretended that it's fine to avoid doing that, and I feel so removed from His presence. The phrase that comes to mind is "sit long." We are SO distracted, wanting results so quickly, and that's not how this thing works. Sometimes we must patiently wait with Him, just be with Him, while He restores, removes, replaces and redefines us.

There is always a way back. There is constant renewal available to us. But what does it take to sit determinably at His feet until we get what we want, or better yet, what He wants to give us?

I have this song on repeat: Nothing Holding Me Back by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. When I don't understand, I get to choose Him. And He brings peace to me. I take You at Your word, Father. You are for me. And You makes all things new.

God, I look to You. Give me vision to see things like You do.

Moxie

Preface: I'd like to start using fun words in my everyday verbage. Like moxie. And verbage. (which is apparently not a real word...)

My goals for 2012 include the following:

1. I want to avoid shopping for myself for at least 6 months. This includes all clothing, especially jewelry, other accessories and things I do not really need; excludes food, occasional coffees, and the like. (though we're being abstemious with that as well)
   Purpose: to be more responsible with the money entrusted to me. To learn contentment and simplicity.
   
   
2. I want to blog about my life every day, or every couple of days. I'm not a disciplined journal-er, but I can type!
   Purpose: to remember my life, not just the big things. To have specific details and recorded thought patterns and struggles and small victories (which in the end can be the biggest victories.)
   
   
3. I want to risk more; in giving, in living and pursuing my heart's desires. I want to have more moxie.
   Purpose: To live greatly, and learn greater trust in my Father.
   
   
4. I want to make healthier choices-- eating, drinking, exercising (isn't this on everyone's list?)
   Purpose: ... to be healthier. Duh.
   
   
5. I want to increase my knitting skillz.
   Purpose: To busy my hands & give myself something to do when Lucy is napping. AND to have cute things that I created from nothing. Oh the joy.

There are so many more things on my heart, including dance classes But I'm going to focus on these for now.

I have actually looked forward to this year. 12 is one of my favorite numbers, and I know it will be a year full of beauty and tragedy, hopefulness and excellence.

A precious truth: He follows behind us and is traveling before us; we are hugged by God in this time and space of our lives-- totally surrounded by His living presence and pervasive love.

Let Him care for you this year, for He is good & those who trust in Him lack no good thing.

(Psalm 34:10)

a space provided

1 Timothy 2:8-9

Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray-- not shaking angry fists at enemies, but raising holy hands to God.

And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God,

not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions,

but doing something beautiful for God

and becoming beautiful doing it.

One of my new favorite things to do is meet with a group of lovely women from my community. Every other Sunday morning we gather from all over the cities to be real, be heard, and be fully present in this time of life. It's a space provided to sit and dwell, to listen and comfort, to cry and giggle.

In our last meeting we began with the song Bones from Hillsong. Just being quiet and careful to hear each word was refreshing...

"Oh Jesus, alive in me."

We asked ourselves the questions: how are you letting God soften your heart (when previously asked "how does your heart need to be softened") and, what makes you feel beautiful?

I struggle with answering questions. I think it's my perfectionist nature that feels like I should always have the right answer or something profound to say. And then I always think everyone else's answers are way better than what I said. Like it matters?!

But I love it. Hearing each heart-- the passion, the conviction, the truth of Him in each of us, working in us. It's like being a part of a pottery class, molding the clay and making something lovely with time and heart and pain all involved; except the amazing creation is us and the Potter is our God.

As we sit together, sipping coffees and chai teas, baring our souls and asking the tough questions, I feel like I'm understood, possibly more than I understand myself. Women's hearts have a unique way of connecting with one another. I'm so thankful for that.

Breathe in me Your life

I can feel You are close now

I can never hide

You are here and You know me

All I need is You

& I love You, I love You, I love You.

Breathe in me Your life

til Your love overtakes me

Open up my eyes, let me see You more clearly

Falling on my knees

til I love like You love

like You love me.

Oh Jesus.

Alive in me.

the Singer

Started a new book: The Singer Trilogy by Calvin Miller. Enjoy, for my next month of posts will probably revolve around this. :)

"He met a woman in the street. She leaned against an open door and sang through her half-parted lips a song He could barely hear. He knew her friendship was for hire. She was without a doubt a study in desire. Her hair fell free around her shoulders. And intrigue played upon her lips.

'Are you betrothed?' She asked.

'No, only loved,' He answered.

'And do you pay for love?'

'No, but I owe it everything.'

'You are alone. Could I sell you an hour of friendship?'

Deaf to her surface proposition, He said,

'Tell me of the song you were singing as I came upon you. Where did you learn it?'

His question troubled her. At length she said,

'The first night that I ever sold myself, I learned it from a tall impressive man.'

'And did he play a silver pipe?' the Singer asked.

She seemed surprised. 'Do you know the man who bought me first?'

'Yes. Not long ago, in fact, he did his best to teach that song to me.'

'I cannot understand. I sell friendship and you, your melody. Why would he teach us both the self-same song?'

The Singer pitied her. He knew the World Hater had a way of making every victim feel as though he were the only person who could sing his song.

'He only has one song; he therefore teaches it to everyone. It is a song of hate.'

'No, it is a love song. The first night he held me close, he sang it tenderly and so in every way he owned me while he sang to me of love.'

'And have you seen him since?'

'No, not him, but a never ending queue of men with his desires.'

'So it was no song of love. Tell me, did he also say that some day in the merchandising of your soul, you would find someone who would not simply leave his fee upon the stand but rather take you home to care for you and cherish you?'

Again she seemed surprised.

'Those were indeed his very words-- how can you know them?'

'And have you found the one that he has promised?'

'Not yet.'

'And how long have you peddled friendship?'

'Some twenty years have gone since first I learned the song that you inquired about.'

The Singer felt a burst of pity.

'We sometimes give ourselves to hate in masquerade and only think it love. And all our lives we sing the song that we thought was right. The Canyon of the Damned is filled with singers who thought they knew a love song...

Listen while I sing for you a song of love.'

He began the melody so vital to the dying men around Him.

'In the beginning was the song of love...'

She listened and knew for the first time that she was hearing all of Love there was. Her eyes swam when He was finished. She sobbed and sobbed in shame.

'Forgive me, Father-Spirit, for I am sinful and undone...

for singing weary years of all the wrong words...'

The Singer touched her shoulder and told her of the joy that lay ahead if she could learn the music He had sung. He left her in the street and walked away, and as He left He heard her singing His new song. And when He turned to wave the final time He saw her shaking her head to a friendship buyer. She would not take his money.

And from His little distance, the Singer heard her use His very words.

'Are you betrothed?' the buyer asked her.

'No, only loved," she answered.

'And do you pay for love?'

'No, but I owe it everything.'

praise is befitting

You are good. You are holy. You are worthy.

Praise is befitting.

I'm having a precious moment of listening to Will Reagan and remembering how awesome He has been, realizing how awesome He is, believing in how awesome He will forever be.

Life sucks. Each day is another opportunity for my joy to be squelched, my mind to be wearied, my body to be beaten down. Each day brings me another day closer to death. Each day heightens my awareness of the darkness in the world, in my neighbor, and in myself.

This day specifically brings me a grief that grips my heart and forms a constant knot in my throat. Lives that were taken too soon. A rampage of violence with no explanation.

I lean not on my own understanding.

I give it all to You, God

trusting that You'll make something beautiful.

The reassuring news is that grief is good. It's one of the things that, in my opinion, makes us incredibly human. My Jesus was a man of many sorrows, I am told. And that gives me hope. He felt. He cried. He grieved.

And I believe that He is here with us in the tragic and in the unexpected. He is here in the memories and in the daily experience. He is here. How that changes everything.

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears.

I will heal you."

2 Kings 20:5