shake it out

Another favorite song.

Shake it out, shake it out

It's hard to dance with a devil on your back

so shake him off.

I'm done with my graceless heart.

Shake it out, shake it out.

begin again

I need to restart.

& most gratefully, I will accept His new mercies for me today.

I am realizing a lack of creativity in my life. Lack of motivation. Lack of being true to myself and who I am called to be. Lack of love for others, and love for myself.

I have a passion for learning and exploration, of giving of myself and serving more than receiving.

These things haven't been happening much.

Change needs to occur. Ideas need to be formulated. Vision sparked and goals determined.

I've lately been more tense and controlling than I prefer. Kip's area of employment has not allowed for much planning, and often postponed plans that were made, which if you know anything about me, is the exact opposite of my personality. I get pleasure and purpose from making a plan and sticking to it. It's been a tough couple of months... resulting in frustration with situations that are completely out of my control, and depression because the one I want to spend time with the most is mostly not here.

I have to constantly adjust my attitude about life and ask, "are you really willing to grow, no matter what the cost or how uncomfortable it makes you?"

Fortunately the growing processes of life will never cease, if I remain open to them. It's just always harder than I imagined! [or prepared for]

But there is good news: his last day is THIS WEEK. Along with cold weather will also come freer schedules and more time together. mmmmmmm.

So, here in my thinking space, I'm going to imagine what can make our relationship lighter, fuller, more "us."

I am somewhat [haha] of a realist which seems to keep me grounded in a good way. Relationships are hard, no matter what kind they are or who they are shared with. Communication is key-- more than I wish it was. And physical separation is difficult-- whether it's being too close or being too far.

I'd like to hope that imagination and creativity, paired with more understanding/adjusting of how we desire to share/receive love, and a little [or huge] side of fruit [self-control fruit, that is] will keep us centered and well-balanced and much, much happier people.

Here are some extra thoughts on how we could begin again:

• taking turns to plan dates-- learning and keeping in mind what the other enjoys most
• cheerfully allowing for bro time and babe time with others
• intentionally pursuing time with couples who are inspirational and wise [and fun!]
• firmly and respectfully maintaining healthy boundaries
• creating together. [Stumbleupon has some great art ideas!]
• engaging in meaningful & deep conversations often, as well as taking time to talk about silly things. Maybe even using weird accents.
• grace, grace, grace.
• Patience, patience, patience.
• asking the hard questions and being willing to give honest answers
• praying for & encouraging each other
• practicing selflessness
• trying new things
• pursuing ways to be involved in this place at this time

Any advice from you out there would be appreciated as well. :)

May our gracious God continually teach us how to live by His will,

to live in love.

And to fervently pursue His heart

for He is relentlessly pursuing ours.

crags & clay

"for beauty is simply reality, seen with eyes of love."

My folksy music taste has me currently appreciating the band called Gungor.

Their song, Crags and Clay, has recently been played repetitively.

Have a listen & a read:

Crags & Clay

Standing up from crags and clay, the peaks of Earth in full display.

They break the lines that break the sky, that's full of life.

The chaos of creation's dance: a tapestry, a symphony

Of life himself. Of love herself.

It's written in our very skin.

All praises to the one who made it all

All praises to the one who made it all and finds it beautiful.

Soil is spilling life to life; stars are born to fill the night.

The ocean's score, the majesty, of sculpted shore. Mystery.

All praises to the one who made it all and finds it beautiful.

Fearfully and

wonderfully and

beautifully made.

"They stepped into the Garden again. The Maker looked earnestly at the clay creation. A monsoon of love swelled up within Him.

He had died for the creation before He had made him.

God’s form bent over the sculptured face and breathed. Dust stirred on the lips of the new one. The chest rose, cracking the red mud. The cheeks freshened. A finger moved. An eye opened.

But more incredible than the moving of the flesh was the stirring of the spirit. Those who could see the unseen gasped!

Perhaps it was the wind who said it first. Perhaps what the star saw at that moment is what has made it blink ever since. Maybe it was left to an angel to whisper:

“It looks like… it appears so much like… it is Him!”

The angel wasn’t speaking of the face, the features, or the body. He was looking inside, at the soul.

“It’s eternal!” gasped another.

Within the man, God had planted a divine seed. A seed of His self. The God of might had created earth’s mightiest. The Creator had created, not a creature, but another creator. And the One who had chosen to love had created the one who could love in return."

-Max Lucado-

you are worth exploring

I think Mondays will officially be my "sermon sharing" day. It's just so good, I have to tell!

I will preface this entry like so: I felt like I was in a YWAM class last night. My heart was so heavy, tears brimming, truth blaring, soul searching.... Greg will be speaking on Hearing God's Voice for the next several weeks, and last night he totally went there. There being the place that most of us don't like going, and if I could be judgmental just for a sec, most people didn't go there last night. I'm sorry, but 5 mins is NOT long enough to let Him walk you through your **** and the depths of your hurt from this life. Freedom is ours to have, yet so many either believe it's not attainable, or they don't have time to sit long and let Him work. Tragic.

Greg went so very deep in sharing about his own pain, his own story. He also brought some interesting thoughts to a few verses, one being Proverbs 20:27,

the spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord

searching all the inner depths of his heart.

Greg's take on this was that our spirits, in being united with God's spirit, is the light that searches through our deepest, darkest places. In a way, our own spirit evangelizes to us. There are parts of our being that have yet to be reached with freedom, with the gospel, so healing and restoration is an ongoing process in our life. It's a lot to explain, and I won't go super deep into it, because you can listen to his message { here }.

I just thought it was so intriguing, and there was a lot going on inside of me as he was speaking. I love when people talk about how to use our imaginations to connect with God. It makes total sense! If God is Someone that we can't quite wrap our heads around, and if He's Someone we can't see with our physical sight, where else could we get to know Him best except in our imaginations? That seems childish. And I think that's the point. This faith thing is simple, really. We are the ones who make it too complicated.

So after that beautiful, hopeful message at church, I read this today: Don's blog.

It goes along pretty perfectly with my mental processing. I like his words...

"We do know a lot about space, and we are learning more about the oceans, but I don't think either of these territories are the least explored. I still think the least explored territory is humanity, both collective and individual. It's not physical territory, I know, but where is there more fearful darkness or illuminating beauty than in the depths of the person sitting next to you on a bus?

Where is there more evil and more beauty than in the unexplored cosmos of a human being?"

Tough question: do you know that you are worth exploring?

We have so much more to us than we could ever know. We are complex, God is complex, but the interaction between the two doesn't have to be. This is relational. We can know Him, and as we get to know Him, let us open ourselves wide to His love and healing. He is gentle. He will make you new.

O Light that follows all my ways

I yield my flickering torch to Thee

My heart restores it's borrowed ray

that in Thy sunshine's blaze

it's day may brighter, fairer be.

So light a fire in my heart & I'll burn for You.

O Joy that seeks me through the pain

I cannot close my heart to Thee.

I trace the rainbow through the rain

and feel the promise is not in vain

that morn shall tearless be.

So anoint me with joy & joyful I will be.

In the life of a nanny:

I set my alarm to wake up 10 mins before I actually need to get up, just to get the process going. I push myself out of bed (and into my slipper boots) with just enough time to shower (only if I didn't do it the night before), create a 5 minute hair-do, and slip on my yoga pants/ t-shirt/ sweater, because thankfully my job does not require me to look my best. Make-up usually doesn't even make it onto my face until around 10 0r 11 am.

If I'm feeling inspired, or extremely tired, I will brew a small cup of coffee for the road. This doesn't normally happen, because thankfully I will have plenty of time to make a pot at work. I will also have time to eat breakfast when I get there, maybe check my facebook, write a blog, read a book, call a friend...

I know you must be thinking I've got it made. And let's face it, I pretty much do! There is no running around involved, unless I want to go somewhere. No practices or homework or messy play times. Just lots of bottles and a few much needed naps; keeping up with the pacifiers and making sure the house is tidy.

Ok, sometimes there is screaming, puking, diaper rashes, explosive poo, teething pains, drool, more screaming, odd smells, leaky diapers, the occasional short nap, and even more screaming.

But everything considered, I have a dream job. I so enjoy coming into a home and a family, keeping a car seat base in my backseat, and experiencing the pure joy of when Lucy smiles and laughs and loves life.

I am blessed.

Because of my belief, I sometimes struggle with ease and peace in my life. I live with the constant conviction and heaviness that most other places in my world are not peaceful; people are hurting, help is needed, hope is scarce, desperation is real.

I am a doer. It's hard for me to just be, to trust that prayer in and of itself is a powerful tool. I long to be there, physically present in their pain, and use my hands to help them heal. Use my faith to give them strength.

But I am here. And there is purpose.

"the poor you may have in your own family; find them. love them."

"love begins at home..."

"be faithful in the small things, because it is in them that your strength lies."

Thank you, dear Mother Teresa. Love is always brought to a closer and greater reality in her words. All that I do, if done in love, is kingdom work.

"May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and in others.

May you use the gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content with yourself, just the way you are,

Let this knowledge settle into your bones

& allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.

It is there for each and every one of us."

nEw

all that I can do

is give it back to You

You've taken my old skin

& made it new again.

all that I can do is give it back to You...

You have made me new.

A new creation.

Why is it that I so often forget who I am?

I need to listen so much more.

Last night we were reminded of this; of the truth that we are not just what we do. And seeking God's will is not just about what we need to do, it's about who we are.

What both disturbs me and brings me comfort is the mystery of my faith. Verses like, "set your minds on what is above not what is on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden in God," and, "you took off the former way of life, you are being renewed in the spirit... you put on the new man, the one created according to God's likeness," don't really make sense.

But then it happens to you.

There is life in His words; His words are meant to speak into our life experience.

I have experienced many little deaths and also felt the brightness of new life. There is an understanding that comes with this life for Life trade that helps me to see, not with vision but with faith, that there is nothing better than becoming the pencil in the hand of a writing God, used to bring the reality of His story to earth, through my little life. I sometimes feel the ache and growing pains of letting go of what I know, of opening my hands to drop my control and hold tightly to trust.

Life is hard. Life in God can be harder.

And yet...

I have been given all that I need. I have the power to love and forgive and have joy in the midst of pain.

I have hope despite the worries and troubles in our world.

I have acceptance, whether I am surrounded by friends or alone.

I have peace even when there is war.

I have steadfastness even when I want to give up.

I have blessings though I may be poor.

I have strength, especially when I'm weak.

I have confidence because it is He who lives within me

and it is He who has overcome.

I have life even in my death.

I had Pandora on the other day and a song came on that always makes my heart sink. I don't know if I'll ever get over the emotion brought up with this music, the memory of this precious woman. I am amazed, though, at how near to us He is in our grief; how great He Himself felt and feels grief. But oh what joy awaits us. I feel like I am more keenly aware of death recently, and I am grateful that there is no fear. It would be nice to avoid the pain that often comes in dying, but both a physical death and daily death to self are richly rewarded. This in and of itself is a great mystery... and there are many questions. But my heart holds to hope. This is not all there is. We already know how this will end.

"Now when this corruptible is clothed with incorruptibility

and the mortal with immortality

then the saying that is written will take place:

Death has been swallowed up in victory

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

For the trumpet will sound

and the dead will be raised

and we will be changed."

1 Cor.15

messy

Sometimes I wonder how much I miss because I'm not willing to get messy or be uncomfortable.

I am a clean person, or like to think I am. I like washing my hands, brushing my teeth; REALLY enjoy a frequent shower. But often I think fun and significant things in life happen when we are willing to get down and dirty, either physically or metaphorically. I have many, many awesome memories from being in villages overseas and having so much fun playing soccer in 130 degree weather, or walking around and meeting people in the pouring rain. Even being home and serving hot chocolate to random strangers in freezing cold weather was extremely uncomfortable for me, but great conversation always came of it. In a metaphorical sense, prodding a little more in talking to friends when they don't seem to be doing well, or intentionally journeying with people through hard seasons of life. Entering into the beautiful mess of our world, of our own hearts.

I want to be more willing to do stuff without contemplating how messy, or hurt, I could get in the process.

This is a silly example, but a few minutes ago I came downstairs to check my email, look up a few blogs, etc. Abby, the dog, followed me and seemed very perturbed that I was not in a convenient position to constantly pet her. After much wining and sad-eye contact, I finally patted my bed and she enthusiastically accepted my invitation. Even though I just washed my sheets, and even though she is in heat (don't worry, diaper is on!), and even though I'm wearing a black dress and her white hair will be ALL over me, I feel good about my decision. She was feeling ignored and unloved (so I think) and I just needed to let her lay next to me. As insignificant as this may seem, it was a great reminder.

Thanks Abby.

materialistic madness vs. unnecessary poverty

Tonight I saw Isaiah 58:, a beautiful and hopeful film about the Church rising up to end extreme poverty. So many stories of lives around the world, our world, living in desperate places, many holding still to their faith. I left inspired. Heart-wrenchingly inspired.

I both love this and hate this, if I'm going to be honest.

I love the message, I love the stories of success. I love that people in affluent countries are mobilizing to reach out and share what they have. I love God and His ways of connecting all of us. And I love the meaning of Jesus-- that He was born into poverty, in a skeptical situation, and that He chose the message of love for the broken and rejected, which caused Him to Himself be broken and rejected for all.

I hate that this is our reality. I hate that this rips my heart into pieces. I hate that I have to make unselfish and unnatural decisions if I want to work in this for the rest of my life, staring at million dollar church buildings and walking around useless malls full of things I don't need (don't even get me started on TV commercials). And I hate that I judge. I hate that people are as broken as they are, and that the journey to healing is long, complicated, and will hurt me too. I hate the corruption of societies that makes doing good so difficult.

Something happens to me pretty much on a regular basis. I lose all sense of what is going on in my life here and now and it's like I'm taken outside of myself to see from an eternal perspective. (I've written about this before: my eternity moments). I realize that my life is truly "but a breath" and that there is SO MUCH TO DO. I don't know why I think about this... it's not normal. But it can be a gift. I don't easily get caught up in so-called unimportant things, but it also seems to make me fiercely blunt in conversations about those so-called unimportant things that most other normal people care a lot about. I sometimes hurt feelings and cause angry outbursts. But it's part of who I am. I can't separate my belief from myself. I can learn how to be humble and when to shut my mouth, but I cannot change the fact that I don't believe everyone should own a house, or drive a nice car, or save for retirement. Get over it.

Watching and hearing the stories of fellow human beings who do not have basic needs of survival just because they weren't born in a certain country or to a certain class of people is one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I want to "spend myself" on their behalf, not because of a guilt-conscious or because it will make me feel better-- because I have been given, so therefore I give. Because life means nothing with a whole bunch of stuff. Because God loves us so.

Or maybe just because.

Call me rant-y. I want to make the world better.