nEw

all that I can do

is give it back to You

You've taken my old skin

& made it new again.

all that I can do is give it back to You...

You have made me new.

A new creation.

Why is it that I so often forget who I am?

I need to listen so much more.

Last night we were reminded of this; of the truth that we are not just what we do. And seeking God's will is not just about what we need to do, it's about who we are.

What both disturbs me and brings me comfort is the mystery of my faith. Verses like, "set your minds on what is above not what is on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden in God," and, "you took off the former way of life, you are being renewed in the spirit... you put on the new man, the one created according to God's likeness," don't really make sense.

But then it happens to you.

There is life in His words; His words are meant to speak into our life experience.

I have experienced many little deaths and also felt the brightness of new life. There is an understanding that comes with this life for Life trade that helps me to see, not with vision but with faith, that there is nothing better than becoming the pencil in the hand of a writing God, used to bring the reality of His story to earth, through my little life. I sometimes feel the ache and growing pains of letting go of what I know, of opening my hands to drop my control and hold tightly to trust.

Life is hard. Life in God can be harder.

And yet...

I have been given all that I need. I have the power to love and forgive and have joy in the midst of pain.

I have hope despite the worries and troubles in our world.

I have acceptance, whether I am surrounded by friends or alone.

I have peace even when there is war.

I have steadfastness even when I want to give up.

I have blessings though I may be poor.

I have strength, especially when I'm weak.

I have confidence because it is He who lives within me

and it is He who has overcome.

I have life even in my death.

I had Pandora on the other day and a song came on that always makes my heart sink. I don't know if I'll ever get over the emotion brought up with this music, the memory of this precious woman. I am amazed, though, at how near to us He is in our grief; how great He Himself felt and feels grief. But oh what joy awaits us. I feel like I am more keenly aware of death recently, and I am grateful that there is no fear. It would be nice to avoid the pain that often comes in dying, but both a physical death and daily death to self are richly rewarded. This in and of itself is a great mystery... and there are many questions. But my heart holds to hope. This is not all there is. We already know how this will end.

"Now when this corruptible is clothed with incorruptibility

and the mortal with immortality

then the saying that is written will take place:

Death has been swallowed up in victory

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

For the trumpet will sound

and the dead will be raised

and we will be changed."

1 Cor.15

messy

Sometimes I wonder how much I miss because I'm not willing to get messy or be uncomfortable.

I am a clean person, or like to think I am. I like washing my hands, brushing my teeth; REALLY enjoy a frequent shower. But often I think fun and significant things in life happen when we are willing to get down and dirty, either physically or metaphorically. I have many, many awesome memories from being in villages overseas and having so much fun playing soccer in 130 degree weather, or walking around and meeting people in the pouring rain. Even being home and serving hot chocolate to random strangers in freezing cold weather was extremely uncomfortable for me, but great conversation always came of it. In a metaphorical sense, prodding a little more in talking to friends when they don't seem to be doing well, or intentionally journeying with people through hard seasons of life. Entering into the beautiful mess of our world, of our own hearts.

I want to be more willing to do stuff without contemplating how messy, or hurt, I could get in the process.

This is a silly example, but a few minutes ago I came downstairs to check my email, look up a few blogs, etc. Abby, the dog, followed me and seemed very perturbed that I was not in a convenient position to constantly pet her. After much wining and sad-eye contact, I finally patted my bed and she enthusiastically accepted my invitation. Even though I just washed my sheets, and even though she is in heat (don't worry, diaper is on!), and even though I'm wearing a black dress and her white hair will be ALL over me, I feel good about my decision. She was feeling ignored and unloved (so I think) and I just needed to let her lay next to me. As insignificant as this may seem, it was a great reminder.

Thanks Abby.

materialistic madness vs. unnecessary poverty

Tonight I saw Isaiah 58:, a beautiful and hopeful film about the Church rising up to end extreme poverty. So many stories of lives around the world, our world, living in desperate places, many holding still to their faith. I left inspired. Heart-wrenchingly inspired.

I both love this and hate this, if I'm going to be honest.

I love the message, I love the stories of success. I love that people in affluent countries are mobilizing to reach out and share what they have. I love God and His ways of connecting all of us. And I love the meaning of Jesus-- that He was born into poverty, in a skeptical situation, and that He chose the message of love for the broken and rejected, which caused Him to Himself be broken and rejected for all.

I hate that this is our reality. I hate that this rips my heart into pieces. I hate that I have to make unselfish and unnatural decisions if I want to work in this for the rest of my life, staring at million dollar church buildings and walking around useless malls full of things I don't need (don't even get me started on TV commercials). And I hate that I judge. I hate that people are as broken as they are, and that the journey to healing is long, complicated, and will hurt me too. I hate the corruption of societies that makes doing good so difficult.

Something happens to me pretty much on a regular basis. I lose all sense of what is going on in my life here and now and it's like I'm taken outside of myself to see from an eternal perspective. (I've written about this before: my eternity moments). I realize that my life is truly "but a breath" and that there is SO MUCH TO DO. I don't know why I think about this... it's not normal. But it can be a gift. I don't easily get caught up in so-called unimportant things, but it also seems to make me fiercely blunt in conversations about those so-called unimportant things that most other normal people care a lot about. I sometimes hurt feelings and cause angry outbursts. But it's part of who I am. I can't separate my belief from myself. I can learn how to be humble and when to shut my mouth, but I cannot change the fact that I don't believe everyone should own a house, or drive a nice car, or save for retirement. Get over it.

Watching and hearing the stories of fellow human beings who do not have basic needs of survival just because they weren't born in a certain country or to a certain class of people is one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I want to "spend myself" on their behalf, not because of a guilt-conscious or because it will make me feel better-- because I have been given, so therefore I give. Because life means nothing with a whole bunch of stuff. Because God loves us so.

Or maybe just because.

Call me rant-y. I want to make the world better.

back & forth & in between, like my emotion

This makes me think of you.

Thank you.

We're part of a tragedy

living our stories

searching for hope

and not sure of our wanderings.

Beautiful roses

full of thorns

Shining sunflowers

scared of the storms.

It's good to know

that even when I make you sad

you won't go.

And the truth is

I would have let you leave;

closed the door to my heart

it only swings one way

that would have been it

back to the start

but you wouldn't let me leave.

There we were in the car

for hours on end

spitting out frustration

and not giving in.

My heart was breaking

though I wanted to pretend.

You become so honest

you stare your fears in the face

and I make you a promise

that I won't let you leave.

Another day painted over with His white grace

angry words

defeated pride

sullen souls

and tired minds

He brings water for our dry

He brings truth to our lies.

Whether it's wrong or right

love is teaching

love is changing

and love reminds me

the Lord turns my darkness into light.

We never have to leave.

22

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and a contrite heart.

These, O God, you will not despise.

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

[Psalm 51]

I'm reflecting on a few things I've learned in the last year. Since I'm 22, I'm challenging myself to come up with at least 22 things. This won't be hard. :)

1. Redemption is real & really happens.

2. I can pull off straight across bangs.

2. Contentment is difficult to attain.

3. No matter how much you hope for something, sometimes things just don't work out. And that can be a great thing.

4. Timing is a curious thing.

5. Portuguese is a confusing & beautiful language.

6. The Amazon isn't as scary as I've always imagined.

7. Chocolate cake for breakfast is allowed in some countries. (and this is one reason I could stay in Brazil forever)

8. The resilience and joy of children will continue to amaze me.

9. Hair really freezes in below zero weather.

10. I can survive without having a plan or knowing how I'm getting home.

11. I will never tire of seeing my YWAM friends; they are truly a treasure.

12. Homesickness never goes away, even when you're happy with where you are.

13. God's grace is most generously displayed through people.

14. There are so many great friends to be found in this world.

15. Empathy has boundaries, which are very ominous and difficult to define. And still even harder to implement.

16. "This I know: God is for me."

17. I might not have one passion or one thing to do for the rest of my life. Still learning what to do with my many things...

18. Joy is both a gift and a determination.

19. Sailing is very fun.

20. God's love for me is beyond anything I could know or understand.

21. "We have forgotten to think relationally." By simply knowing people, appreciating their gifts and differences, choosing love rather than hate, life will be much richer.

22. Great is His faithfulness.

on a lighter note

I've discovered possibly the best blog ever! It's called Today's Letters, and was created by possibly the most adorable couple ever. I thoroughly enjoy reading their posts, all in letter form to each other and other random people/ things/ places in their life. SO CUTE. Click here to see!

I'm needing some kind of pick-me-up today, so I think I'll write my own version of today's letters to lighten my spirit and most likely crack myself up as well:

Dear Fall,

You warm my heart, even though my feet are usually cold.

I like your colors and, most of all, your fresh feeling and smell.

Thanks for being here. Please stay a while.

Dear Lucy,

You are a precious child. Sometimes your fussiness makes me go cross-eyed and gives me a headache, but mostly, I love spending so much time with you,

even when at the end of the day I'm covered in your spit-up and boogers

and sometimes carry the faint smell of poo.

You are teaching me a lot about babies. I know I will be a better mother one day because of you. So thanks for that.

And thanks for occasionally taking 2 and a half hour naps. Those are good days.

Dear Audi A6,

I'm so glad I have you in my life. I apologize for not coming up with a cute name for you yet...

I'm sure once winter comes (not for a long, long time) I will affectionately refer to you as Kathy Jones does:

the Tank.

I know you will be a faithful mode of transportation no matter what kind of horrid weather comes my way. I promise to be a safe driver and take good care of you.

PS: please keep the seat warmers working; I don't think I could survive without them.

Dear Kip,

I think you're cute, even with long hair and an unruly beard. But that is not encouragement for you to avoid the razor.

I appreciate your kind heart and eagerness to do fun things with me.

I'm mucho looking forward to our dates this weekend.

I'm trying to be an easy, go-with-the-flow kinda girl.

Forgive me when I'm not.

Seeyoubye.

Dear yoga pants,

YOU ARE MY FAVORITE.

I'm going to wear you until you are hideously faded

and barely held together.

Then I will lovingly replace you

and continue wearing them day after day.

Dear Africa,

I keep dreaming about you.

My heart longs to see you and serve your beautiful people.

I know not when, or if my heart will ever be ready,

but I will come to you one day.

Hopefully soon.

Dear Caribou,

Your iced americanos are quite a treat.

A poor man's latte; guilt-free and caffiene-charged. Yum.

Dear YWAM Denver,

I think I should be one of your recruiters.

Is it an official position?

Because I'm pretty good at it.

Take care of Lydia and Colby, and soon to be there, my dear friend Krysta.

I wish I could see you again.

I'm always hopeful for a road trip to your mountains

and your staff members whom I love so much.

You have changed my life. And you'll always make me feel at home.

Miss you.

Dear Panera Bread,

Thanks for the extra goodies that accompany our Panera card!

I know it's because we visit you way too often,

but I'm ok with that.

You are deeeeelicious.

Dear Whitney and Chad,

Can't wait to see y'all!!!

We will have so much fun. I anticipate much laughter

and good conversation.

Can't wait to see the love in your eyes-- very happy it's only taken a few years to make this happen.

Dear Lover of my soul,

Can I just say...

You are the best.

& words fail when I think about You

and remember all You've brought me through.

It's only by Your grace that I'm where I am.

You have so much for me...

I know You believe in me & Your love never gives up.

Forgive me for holding onto silly things,

for judging myself too harshly,

for not taking time to love and give to others

as You've loved and given to me.

I want to follow Your way,

whichever way that takes me.

Use me to shine forth Your hope & Your beauty.

Finish what You've started.

I'm yours, I'm yours forever.

Love you always.

Candice Mae.

heights & depths

"And so, a curse settled down around all Eve's children.

The harmony was gone & thorns began to grow,

for part of the curse was the prick of the thorn.

But God didn't take away the rose.

Since then, beauty and pain have grown in our world

side by side.

Suffering and joy exist on the same vine,

and tears can taste either bitter or sweet."

-Steven James-

Joy comes to those who in a sense forget themselves and become totally aware of the other.

-Mother Teresa-

"Maybe girls, with their tears and laughter, were getting more out of life. Shattering! He checked himself: showing one's emotions was not the thing; having them was.

What is beauty but something that is responded to with emotion? If the best of life is, in fact, emotional, then one wanted the highest, purest emotions. And that meant joy.

So, if he wanted the heights of joy, he must have, if he could find it, a great love. But in the books, great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hand with frightful pain.

Still...

still, the joy would be worth the pain-- if indeed they went together.

If there were a choice- and he suspected there was- a choice between the heights and depths, and on the other hand some sort of safe cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths.

He had had, was having, all the sorrow there was. And yet, the joy was worth the pain. Even now he reaffirmed that long past choice."

-A Severe Mercy-

"We have loved the stars too fondly

to be fearful of the night."

"Joy must be one of the pivots of our life. It is the token of a generous personality. Sometimes it is also a mantle that clothes a life of sacrifice and self-giving. A person who has this gift often reaches high summits. He or she is like a sun in a community."

-Mother Teresa-

"As the fire scorches the wood, it burns away all the natural saps and juices proper to the wood. At first the wood is charred and ugly. Each time it is thrust into the fire, the purging process continues. Finally, when all the natural juices that have been resisting the action of the fire are burnt away, the wood takes on the qualities of the fire itself. And glows.

God does not leave us until He has broken our hearts and our bones."

-Brennan Manning-

But the path of least resistance wasn't meant for me to take,

I'm learning who I am

On the way.

1 year

I really enjoy the new facebook thing of showing you your old statuses in the right hand column. I have been refreshed of some great quotes from the past, as well as reminded of where I was when I posted them. Today, a year ago, I posted something along the lines of: saying goodbye to Alabama, I will only miss your beautiful beaches & your people.

I hopped on a plane and headed to St. Louis to see my dad get married and spend time with my grandparents & wonderful stepmom, then proceeded to road trip with them to Colorado! I can't describe the way it felt when we finally got to the west end of Kansas. The air was cooler, the sun was setting amidst rain clouds over the vast, flat plains, and my heart was pounding with anticipation. Maybe some anxiety, too. I was nervous about going back to the place I had known so well and missed so much. I was different. I knew it would be different, too.

So there I was, eating pizza in downtown Golden with my father, whom I was not on speaking terms with when I was last in YWAM, and his new wife-- and I'm now realizing what a redemptive moment that was. I must not forget what all has happened, how so many things have come full-circle in my life. These are holy. These are blessings. And I count them with awe.

Even now, sitting in the home of an amazing family, thinking about all of the precious relationships in my life, new & old ... there aren't really words. I could endlessly breathe "thank yous" to God and never feel like it's enough. For reasons so far beyond me, I am here and I am so richly surrounded by His goodness. Uncomfortably happy. Joyful and somber. Life and its issues sure aren't easy, but it sure is good.

"In this place which you say is ruin... there will be heard again a sound of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the bride, and the voice of those saying,
Praise the Lord of Hosts, for the Lord is good! His faithful love endures forever!"
Jeremiah 33:10-11

I hope to be a voice to the world that declares joy and gladness in any and every circumstance. I fail miserably in the way I use my words-- too much complaining, not enough appreciating. Too much self-pity, not enough encouragement for others. So grateful for grace.

I think it's interesting in those verses that a bride/bridegroom relationship is mentioned. For all of the times I've doubted my desires for marriage, that it something I come back to: my passion for marriage to be a window into the love of God, to be a picture of hope and trust and commitment that we lack and honestly don't believe in anymore.

So today I am pensive, reflective, appreciating where I've come from and delighting in where I am. Expectant of whatever the next days bring. Loving Jesus and His redeeming love.

You will be delivered by returning and resting;

your strength will lie in quiet confidence.

Isaiah 30:15